Christmas Day

Christmas was wonderful, one of the best that I can remember having. We were still dirt poor through it all but it didn’t really matter.

The children lacked for nothing this Christmas and when they came down the stairs on Sunday morning they found so many presents that they were spilling out from under the tree that was sparkling. Mind you, this was mostly due to my mother and their Godfather, but it was still there and their stockings hung on the wall filled to the brim with treats, small presents and candy.

Chris and I curled up on the couch together and watched them open their things. I took almost 250 pictures on my digital camera. I loved the look of shocked pleasure on their faces as they opened their gifts. I was amused at the fact that each time I took a picture, all three of the kids would set down what they were doing and rush over to me to see the picture.

After presents were opened and we cleaned up our mess, we set about getting food placed on the table. Chris delighted me by bringing out the window markers and drawing festive pictures on our glass table. I carefully arranged all of the appetizers and cookies the children and I spent all of Christmas Eve making.



Chris did most of the decorating, with some window markers that one of the kids had, though the kids and I took turns writing Merry Christmas under the tree.

A girl that I work with was invited to our home for this Christmas. Through casual conversation with her, I had learned that all she had for family here was her father who she had not seen in many years, and it was the first Christmas that she would be without her grandmother who raised her. This just did not sit well with me and I insisted that she come to our house. It is a sad thing to be alone on Christmas and I would want someone to do the same for me if the situation were reversed.

She arrived and of course, the children excitedly welcomed her. I got up to check on the ham while they filled her in on all the goodies that they received this year. We sat around visiting and just talking with one another. Chris, as usual, kept us laughing and joking.

After a while the children convinced us that a movie was in order and we put in Fantastic Four. During which time Grandma came and I went out into the kitchen to make the rest of the massive feast we were going to have.

My friend from work left early as she has been suffering a sinus infection for a little over a week, so dinner was served, followed up by the wickedly delicious Black Forest Pie that the kids and I made from scratch. Sinful is the only way to describe it.

After dinner, I sat at the computer and showed Grandma all of the pictures that we took. She laughed at the look on their faces and it wasn’t long before the children had all crowded around us to look at themselves on the big screen.

Cousin finally came for Grandma and all the food was put away, kitchen cleaned and all that was left to do was enjoy our kids, which we did immensely. Even if that does mean that as a team, Chris and I collectively got our asses handed to us in “Harry Potter’s Scene It” game. We turned our attention to the video games they got and played with them until bedtime.

After they went to bed, we came online and spent the rest of the evening with our friends.

So all in all, it was a good day, full of love and quality time with our family. The way that Christmas is supposed to be.

So forgive my delay as I hope now that each of you had a very Merry Christmas, and I am sending out waves of love and good thoughts for the New Year.

As it was suggested to me in earlier comments, it is our year, and we will take it by storm, starting with taking names and kicking asses.

Peace

Right, so, update on my current life situation.

I got a call last night from the big wig at my job. She offered me the position that I applied for and of course I happily agreed. It does come with a substantial pay increase and my hours are going to be different, but she has assured me that I will continue to have Sundays off as previously arranged.

I went to my first day of training today.

Let me explain what this position is. It is officially called Assistant Team Lead, or ATL from here on out. The Team Lead, or TL, is responsible for a set number of people, making sure that they are making their conversion goals, showing up for work on time, working their scheduled shifts, taking their breaks when they are supposed, and keeping the quality of their calls up.

My job is going to be to do whatever they do. I will, in effect, be a substitute for when they go on vacation, or are sick, or are simply short for one reason or another. I will be taking calls from angry customers; I will be doing their data entry into the computer, and everything else they do.

I am dammed excited. I work my ass off, no matter what position I am in and I feel that I have very commendable leadership skills. I have simply needed a chance to prove it at this job. I guess I did that pretty well already since; there were only two of us who were hired.

I started the training today, by Friday I will be with a TL who will begin to walk me through the ropes. I am very excited, have I mentioned that yet?

After training today, I went out and the man who was my TL stopped me and we chatted for a while. It seems that from the moment I turned in the application, the position was mine, there was never any question, the interview and waiting period were all simply formalities. It makes me feel good to know that out of the one thousand five hundred employees we have at this center, I stood out enough that I had a guaranteed spot.

I am thrilled and on cloud nine. I feel like life is fully coming together. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if this is a manic episode or not, I am going to enjoy it to its fullest. I am tired of living my life around cycles and it’s going to stop. I can do this. I might slip, I might fall, however, I will pick myself back up and I will continue on because I deserve this, my family deserves this and I have worked hard to get where I am now.

For far too long I have lived under a cloud of darkness, or at the very least, the threat of that cloud. I am tired of it. I am taking my life back and it is going to be what I want it to be and I have very clear cut goals in mind for exactly how I am going to do that. Closer to New Years I will be posting them here.

One thing however, is to remind those who have held my hand and offered a shoulder to cry on, who have supported me and encouraged me, just exactly how much I have grown because of them.

There are a few people who read this blog who give me that. Mind you, every single one of my readers are awesome people and I am lucky to have their loyalty.

Buffalo: You are a never ending fountain of support. Your words are normally few, but, have such meaning and are like small pearls of wisdom.

Lili: You tell it like it is. You may not always comment here, but, I read your blog and am inspired every single day by you.

Amber and Dan: Heaven only knows how much I owe to the two of you. I have expressed it to you privately in email, so I will not go into all the details, but, you have an amazing gift to show the world your love and for me, it makes me realize the potential that Chris and I have as a couple. Everyone can learn and grow, and while we are not exactly like you, I have learned a lot from you that has given my life a richer meaning.

Angel: You are always here to support me and I love you girl.

Xariklea: My sounding board, you are always here to listen, no matter what kind of news I present to you. You make me feel laugh and I know I can cry with you.

I have left out only Angeliano, and only because I recently dedicated an entire post to him, he knows very clearly how I feel.

I love all of you; you have given me so much in my life, simply by just being my friend. Your love, your support, your encouragement, has made a world of difference in my life. This year, I am grateful and better for having met all of you. Thank you for that.

Still Alive-Elaborated Version

Wow, where to begin. Life is full of greatness in my world right now.

Chris has finished his second semester of school. One of the classes that he was taking was to lead into what he was going to do for the next two years. The class was split in half, one half of it being classroom stuff, the other half being labs. To complete the class, he had to do certifications, six to be exact. Each certification has to be done on a different person, so we hauled all three kids in, and I also went in. With two days left, we felt good about things because he had only two remaining, we called his cousin, she said she would be delighted to come and let him do it. She would even pick us up and take us out there. I call her Sunday night, the night before we need her to be there, and, she assures me she will be there. So, come Monday morning, we wait, and wait, and wait some more. I call and get no answer; I call back, several times. To make a long story short, she never shows up, which leaves him with one day to complete everything. The one certification is an all day process, but, still he goes to the teacher on Tuesday, she informs him that since he needs two more, there is no point, he says he would like to try anyway, she tells him that if it snows the next day (we were scheduled for a massive snow storm) that she wasn’t going to be coming in. Have I mentioned that if he doesn’t complete the certifications, he fails the class no matter how good his classroom grade is? Oh yeah, it’s automatic.

So, we spent a lot of time worrying and stressing over his student loans. We really can not afford for them to come due right now. So, on Thursday we went to the school, so that he could take the very last finals for this class and another one. While we were there, I went down and spoke to them about it, and have found out that the Dean of the college can over ride him loosing his financial aide which he will surely do when he looks at the fact that last semester he took four classes and finished with a perfect 4.0 gpa.

Chris decided he would study something else. We talked about a lot of different options and after much debating, he decided on something. Ironically, it was one of the things that I had considered doing once he was finished with school. However, I realized that once he is done with school, he’ll make more money than I do now and we will no longer qualify for financial aid. Yes, it is all a twisted little path we walk along.

So, how can I think that life is so great with all of this going on? Well let me tell you. On Friday we went down for him to take the last final he had for his online class, I went down and talked to some people.

I am now as enrolled as a student for college.

Crazy shit huh?

>shakes head at self<

So, then, in addition to this, I have also had big things happening at work. They recently opened up six new positions. The main boss brings me an application and orders me to fill it out. So, I do. It is a promotion for me and I would really like to have it, but, there are almost one thousand people where I work, I figured my chances were slim to none at best. However, I was chosen to interview for it. I don’t know yet if I got it, but, I was told by someone else that I was in the top three, so, all I can do his hope. It would be great to get. I work really hard at my job and am very professional.

Then of course, is the stress of getting ready for Christmas. The tree to put up, the presents to buy, then wrap, the stockings to fill, cards to get sent out. I am seriously overwhelmed with all of it as this time of year is always hard for me anyway.

On a plus note, the dear friend that I have blogged several times about, gave me my Christmas present today. I was taken out by Chris and the kids under the guise of needing to pick up my mother in law’s wallet from the theater where it supposedly was lost last night while she was at the movies. Instead, I found myself sitting in front of a screen waiting for “The Chronicles of Narnia” to start. I was so excited; I think I was worse then the kids.

It was a great day in general, and I am looking forward to Christmas this year, we might be poor as far as money goes, but, damned, I have blessings in abundance. I will revel in the love of my friends and family and bask in the light of harmony that shines in our home. Our life is not perfect, but, it suits me just fine and what doesn’t suit me, I am determined to make better. That is my creed now. If I don’t like it, I will change it.

I am slightly afraid that I am simply having a manic moment, because it is always hard to tell when it is manic or when it is real happiness. I feel freer then I have in such a long time. I do not feel emotionally crippled or held down as tightly as I was before. I know that it has to do with my purging myself. I also know that I need to get back to it before things go bad for me again, but, I have been so busy right now that it has been hard to focus.

All I can say is that life is good and I am so glad that I have all that I do. I am glad to know those of you who frequent me regularly, or allow me to regularly peek into your lives. It is one of the many many things I am blessed to have in my life. You know who you are, even if I don’t say it often enough.

Still Alive

Sorry all, I've had alot to deal with at home, it is probably going to be a few more days until I return. Just wanted to let you all know I am still alive and doing well.

Something To Start A New Memory With

Sometimes we meet people in our lives that are like a ghost, they come, they go, but they are not forgotten. Sometimes though, we meet people in our lives that become an intricate part of who we are.

The process itself is mind baffling. For me, I never intend for people to come or go in my life. When I first meet people I don’t make the decision or say to myself “Now that is someone that I am going to become close to” or “I’m going to be friends with the person and in a year they will go away.”

Instead, I take each person as they come into my life and simply accept who and what they are. I don’t always like people, so don’t paint me as a Saint. I am however honest enough to stay away from the people that I don’t like and I feel that I give everyone a fair shake.

Friendship doesn’t come easily to me. Not true friendship anyway. I can be kind and gentle, and offer friendship to many different people. For me though, true friendship is where they extend the offer back and a deep bond is formed.

Luckily for me, I do have such friendships in my life. One of them is what I want to talk about today though. Not only is a dear friend of mine, but, he is also Chris’ best friend.

This man is a regular visitor to my blog. He reads what I write and although he seldom comments here, he emails me, calls me, or, chats online with me about it; sometimes he says nothing at all about it. He has never judged me or my decisions, even if he doesn’t always agree with them. He has loved and supported me for nearly seven years now.

When I say that we are close, I mean that we are very close. I love this man. He does things that shock me, excite me, infuriate me, and like this, just simply touches deep into my heart and reminds me of exactly how lucky I am. I know that this man understands my battle with the darkness and not many people do

We have never met in real life, so it is strange to many people, the way that our hearts have touched each others. It goes beyond an internet relationship though. This man is a part of our lives. Not just mine, but Chris’ and the children’s.

My heart is so full of love for him that it is almost overwhelming to me. I will never be able to imagine my life without him and when I look back, I can’t see exactly where things changed, where we went from being casual friends to this. The testament to this friendship, for me at least, is the knowledge that Chris and I agreed that if anything were to happen to both of us, this man and his wife is where our children would go. We trust in him, in his love for us and ours for him, to know, without a doubt, that he would provide the best life possible for our children in the event of our deaths. He is full of love, and honor and faith. He believes in family first, and we all feel as if we are family.

We speak frequently on the phone. We spend hours with each other, laughing, crying, joking, mocking, and just in general, being together. He has never forgotten any of our birthdays, or our anniversary. He even helps my daughter with her Spanish homework.

I bring this all up because it was a few days ago that this man did something so extraordinary that it left me speechless for several days, if you hadn’t noticed.

A few nights ago I got home from work and as usual, I sat down at the computer and began to sort through emails. I called my mother and had a boring conversation with her at length while chatting with Chris and a friend of mine online. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the mail piled up on the chair next to me. The medium sized envelope caught my attention but I didn't pay it a whole lot of attention thinking that it was something that I had already opened and the kids just set the empty envelope there for lack of a better place to put it.

After some time, bored with my mother's complaints about my brother I reached out to lift up the package, causing Chris to sit up a little straighter when I gave him a curious look.

I turned it over and saw that it was addressed to me from Florida. I smiled faintly and began to open it. Not fast enough for Chris' taste as he kept telling me to just tear into it. I ignored him and kept at my slow pace, peeking in, inside I found a little note that read "Something to start a new memory with"

I peeked in a little further and my eyes welled up with tears as I pulled back the fancy tissue paper to reveal a brand new Mountain Dew shirt.

I stared at it for a long time, not even able to pull it out of the bag as my mind swirled with thoughts. He hadn’t mentioned that particular post to me, yet he had obviously read it. He loves me so much that in his own way, he is trying to erase the things that have happened to me.

Chris continued to beam at me as the tears slid down my face and I slowly reached in and withdrew the shirt. He didn’t understand the tears, because he doesn’t read my blog and a lot of the things that I’ve written here are things I can’t really talk about out loud. Chris seems content to know the general state of things, without all the horrible details and that works for us.

I slipped it on and it was as if his arms were around me. When I spoke to him later, he apologized for not being able to find a white one, but, as he said, “Something to make new memories with.”

I love you. Never forget that.

The Great Escape

The first time that anyone ran away while I was there, was indeed the first time that anyone had run away from the place at all.

I remember clearly that it was a boy named JJ and a boy named Leland. I had a small crush on Leland. He was one of those pretty boys. His family was well off and he was my first glimpse into the fact that even rich kids don’t always have it so good. I don’t remember why he was there, but, I remember him fairly clearly.

Blue eyed and blond hair with a dazzling smile, he could charm the Eskimos into buying ice. He had an easy laugh and when he smiled the corners of his eyes crinkled up and he had a dimple on each side that just made my heart go pitter patter every time that I saw it.

If my memory serves me correctly he was about 16 and I know that his parents were frequent visitors to the Academy, which in my mind meant that they cared more about him then my own parents did.

JJ was a small kid, he was about fifteen I think and man did this kid have ADHD of the worst kind. He could not sit still. He bounced from person to person, place to place, and thing after thing. He would make you tired and dizzy all just by watching him. Like Leland, I am sure that I at one time knew why they were there but the years have robbed me of some of these details. I can’t ever remember meeting his parents.

When I got up that morning, there was a whispered buzz going around. It seemed that sometime during the night while the night staff was doing laundry, they snuck out of the building and were gone.

Not a lot more was known other than that little tidbit of information, although Leland’s parents did come down to “supervise” the search.

A few days later, Leland was brought back and he looked a little worse for the wear. The grapevine story was that they had taken off and were walking along the interstate when a State trooper spotted them and called it in. When they saw him, they took off running, leaving the highway for rougher terrain.

Now, I’m not sure if I have mentioned this or not, but, Western Academy is located in Colorado in a very small town. The nearest large town is about an hour and a half drive and the highway runs along the Colorado river on one side and a cliff wall along the other side, for most of it, not all, but most.

This particular stretch was along the river and being the dead of winter, the river was “frozen”. Most people know that rivers don’t freeze well due to their swift movement, but, they can be very deceptive and these seemed to be the case as JJ and Leland tried to decide if they were going to try to cross the river to get away, or just run along the bank and pray for the best.

It was decided for them when the state trooper caught onto their trail in no time and had managed to catch up to them while they were deciding, so out onto the ice they darted.

Having grown up in Colorado, that river always looked pretty damned big to me. Now I live in a city that sits right on the Mighty Mississippi River and so it seems a bit smaller.

The fact remains however that as they darted out onto the ice, they realized almost immediately that there was trouble. JJ lost his footing and slid into Leland and they both tumbled to the ice with a thud.

Then there was a cracking sound. The officer froze, his expression one of mixed shock and horror as he tried to determine how much time he had before it gave away.

It was while he was trying to decide this, or, maybe he just went into that mode of panic that grips some people, there was another crack.

Then the ice underneath the boys gave way and they both screamed as they were plunged into the icy water.

Now, I’ve never been swimming in the Mississippi, but I learned how to swim in the Colorado, not to mention kayaking and canoeing and tubing on hot summer days, and let me tell you, it has a swift current.

By the time they managed to surface, which alone was a complete miracle, the officer was just a dot standing on the edge of the bank to them.

JJ, despite all the energy this little guy had, was just to tired to swim. I suppose this was because of the cold temperature of the water. So, Leland grabbed his arm and managed to drag them to shore, six miles from where they fell in.

Now, I can’t swear to >all< of this, but I do know that the majority of it is true because this officer was married to a wonderful woman who eventually came to work at Western Academy. So, while some of it may be embellished by the boy who brought the tale back to us, the fact did remain.

I never saw JJ again after that. Some people claimed that he died of hypothermia. I think that they just transferred him out to another facility. At least, that is what I’ve told myself all these years. It would suck to be wrong.

Steve

This is one of the memories that are just lingering here waiting to be told. I have felt sick to my stomach every time that I sit down to write about it and just to avoid confusion, this incident is not in chronological order, but as I stated yesterday, I just can't seem to get past the roadblock that is this memory.

Steve was probably one of the most Nikki-destructive people that there was at Western Academy. I tried to avoid him, but I really couldn't.

He was probably one of the biggest kids I remember having there. No I don't mean height. The man was severely obese and had dark beady eyes that seem to small for his overly heavy face.

He had skin the color of dark leather and he would start out walking very slowly, though he always seemed to pick up speed as he went along. I don't know if he just needed to get all that fat moving or what, but he could move when he wanted to. The boy was just fifteen years old and easily weighed two hundred fifty to two seventy five.

For the most part he kept to himself. He was also teased and taunted by the other kids, although I didn't usually pay it no never mind. If they were picking on him that day, it meant that I was left alone.

Now would be a good time to mention that at any given time there were only usually two or three staff members on duty in the evening. During the day there was more because of therapy and classes and administrative staff and such. One of them was the cook and that is all that he did, cook, he never even came upstairs to my knowledge.

This meant that in the evening, two staff members were left trying to control about twenty kids during what we considered to be our free time. It was the only time that I could go be alone without having to explain myself.

My favorite place was the hallway that led to the kitchen. It was dark and very seldom used. I would curl up against the wall with my knees drawn up to my chest and think about things. Usually these things consisted of trying to understand why my mother couldn't love me anymore, or where my life was going to go since she didn't want me, and other wonderfully destructive thoughts.

This is where Steve found me one night. I could tell immediately that he was angry. His face was bright red and those eyes were a dull brown color as he sneered at me. For a moment I felt a shiver of fear run through me and then I was just plain pissed off. I told him to get the hell away from me and he laughed and I started to my feet.

His chubby hand reached out and pressed on my shoulder which forced me back down in an awkward angle. I had one knee on the floor and the other was tucked underneath that.

His other hand reached out to grab me by the back of my hair and although at this point in time, the only sexual conduct I had any experience with was my grandfather and my older brother, I knew what was coming and my mind began to swim. I needed to get away, but there was no where for me to go. I was afraid to scream as he leaned his face down into mine. I nearly gagged on the putrid smell of his breath. It was like something had rotted in there while he chewed on it.

"You all think you are so much better then me don't you?"
I shook my head in denial, unable to get the words out.
"Well your not and I'm going to show you, you're going to see what happens when you fuck with me"

I wanted to point out to him that I hadn't done shit to him, that if he wanted to go abuse someone, there were a number of people that could be rightly to blame for his misery; I simply wasn't one of them.

However, I was young and I was afraid and even now I have this lockdown mode. I will be honest, I didn't say no to him. People think that it means I was willing. I wasn't. I was just too scared to move, to think clearly. Sure the staff members could protect me that night, but, sooner or later he would get me and if I got him in trouble, it would be all the worse for me when he did get a hold of me.

I felt the hand on my shoulder let go and for the briefest of seconds I thought he was going to let me go, then I felt his hand come down across my face and had he not been holding onto my head with the other hand, I would have slammed into the wall.

"I didn't hear you" he hissed at me and I blinked, unable to say anything. Had he asked me a question? What was the answer supposed to be? Should I admit that I didn't hear him? Why didn't I hear him?

Over and over the question swirled through my mind and I felt him hit me again, and then again, and once or twice more maybe, I lost track because my head was buzzing and I wasn't even sure that I was still awake.

His grip on my hair tightened and he paused in his assault on me, I swear only long enough for me to be able to focus again and when I could, I saw that he had stepped closer and now I was face to face with the zipper on his jeans.

"Open it up bitch"

Numbly my hands reached up and I unzipped him. I felt tears welling up in the corners of my eye and I commanded them not to fall. I was not about to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. He could force me to do a lot, but he could not force me to cry. At least, that is what I told myself.

If I thought his breath was putrid, it was nothing compared to the smell of his unwashed body. I couldn't help it, I gagged and his hand tightened again and shoved my face towards his crotch. His pants weren't even all the way down, but he didn't care. He used his hand in my hair to rub my face back and forth until he was hard and I was struggling to breathe.

Not because he had anything substantially to choke on, even at the age of eleven I knew it was small, but because he used his free hand to lift up on the rolls of fat and there lurked a fetid smell. My eyes watered up again and again I forced them back.

"Open up your mouth and so help me to God if I even think your gonna bite down, I will fucking smash your face in"

This guy was big enough to do so and I believed that he would, and so I opened my mouth. He thrust himself into my mouth and jerked his hips back and forth. He tightened his grip on my hair and jerked me around, putting me into a position that was most pleasurable for him.

I tried as hard as I could to make it go fast. I wasn't really skilled at the age of eleven in the finer points of performing oral sex, but between my mouth and his hand, it didn't take long before he pulled out and slapped my face while he ejaculated all over me.

His breathing was labored and his eyes looked glassy when I looked up at him again. He rubbed himself on my face where his goo had landed and I shuddered, still too afraid to move.

He let go of my hair and I slumped forward on my hands and knees and began to gag. He patted my head and said "It'll take some practice, but, not bad for your first time"

I jumped up and ran into the bathroom where I hung my head into the toilet and threw up. I scrubbed at my face with dry toilet paper to get all of his semen off of me. My face began to sweat as I threw up. I stayed there a long time and I think I had fallen asleep with my head on the toilet rim because the next thing I knew a staff member named Mary was gently shaking me awake and asking me if I was all right. I numbly nodded and stood up on shaky knees and with her assistance I made my way up to my room. They left me up there the next day due to the fact that I was still vomiting and I had developed a fever.

I would learn years later that stress can cause some serious physical damage.