Wow, it's amazing how good I feel right now. I got home from work, picked up the husband, returned our movies, rented some more, went to Checkers for some food, came home and I took a long bath. It was hot and relaxing. I even took time out to shave, which, I hate to do by the way. Once done with that, I put on my new pajamas and just, melted into them, it's a delicious feeling.
Work was hell. I ran 416 people through my register, not to mention all the managerial duties I did. I was so mad when the third shift people came in complaining about how they need someone else on their shift because they are so busy. I did nearly twice as many transactions as he did, what the hell is he talking about? I really need to talk to the boss and ask about a raise. I think I should tell him I was offered another position. What if he shrugs and tells me he wishes me luck? I am so paranoid that I'm not as important as I think I am and he'll just say okay and let me quit. I would be so screwed. Someday I'll just put my foot down. I just got my one year pin and yet, have only been raised 50 fricking cents. He promised me when I started that I'd be raised at least a dollar by the end of three months. Doesn't he realize I'm the only one working to support a house of five?
Apperantly my youngest son, who is four, decided to flush his big brother's hulk sock down the toilet. Came out very proud of himself. Turns out he was mad because big brother took of his socks and wouldn't be the hulk anymore. Daddy threatened to give big brother HIS socks and he promised to go and get the sock. Dad explained to him that it is in the sewer now, he didn't care, he'd fight the monsters, and snakes and rats, as long as dad didn't give big brother his spiderman socks. Glad I wasn't here for that, I got to see the funny side of it.
Well, I guess I should go. They are going to inspect the apartments in the next couple of days and I have to make sure everything passes. Trust me, not my favorite job.
Nikki
TW: Abuse/SA/Language/Suicide/Death A place to put down my thoughts about my past and current place to deal with my trauma and healing.
Monday, May 24, 2004
Training
I started training a girl at work today. I had been dreading work all day because of this. Not because I'm not damn good at my job, but because I am >too< good at my job. I don't have the paitence to train people. I expect too much out of them. I don't want to have to baby people. I want to tell them once how to do something, and have them catch on. I don't want to have to explain something simple to them while I have a huge line forming.
How little did I know that it was my lucky day. This girl was quick and fun to hang out with. She did so well that I ended up splitting my drawer with her and letting her do most of it on her own. I showed her once the proper way to take a check, that was all that was needed. She took the rest of the checks without a problem, when I checked them, she had all the needed information on them. At the end of the night, we balanced out our drawer and we ended up being only fifty six cents over. Which, by our standards, is damn good. Not only that, but we managed to run nearly three hundred and fifty people between the two of us. Now, that isn't a whole lot, considering I can do four hundred and sixteen on my own, but, it was pretty good for her first day. She even managed to catch a shoplifter.
The worst part of the night was about ten minutes before I left. I went over to the deli to get it all ready for the next shift and some asshole was complaining about how weak the coffee looked. Not in the mood to put up with his shit, I went and drained the coffee, using a small piece of garden hose. Then I started a new pot with a little extra grounds in it, and went back up to help customers. Then a customer comes over and tells me that the coffee pot is overflowing. No big deal since it happens all the time, if it is not COMPLETELY empty, it overflows. So, again, I start to hook up the hose so I could drain enough to stop it from leaking and this asshole reaches over just as I am about to connect it and says " Let me help you" just before he flips the spout and coffee starts flowing out, all over my damn hand. It hurt like hell. I jerk my hand back and he starts laughing and walks away. The pain was so intense I nearly passed out. I am a woman who has given birth to three kids with no drugs. One of them weighing in at one ounce shy of ten pounds and the little buger was only an inch shy of two feet. I can take pain. So, now I have a nice big burn on my hand and wrist. Should make work interesting tomorrow.
Well, I think that's about all I have to rant about for now. Too tired to do much else. Hubby and kids cleaned house today. Even moved the stove to clean, and cleaned out the fridge. I love inspection time.
Nikki
How little did I know that it was my lucky day. This girl was quick and fun to hang out with. She did so well that I ended up splitting my drawer with her and letting her do most of it on her own. I showed her once the proper way to take a check, that was all that was needed. She took the rest of the checks without a problem, when I checked them, she had all the needed information on them. At the end of the night, we balanced out our drawer and we ended up being only fifty six cents over. Which, by our standards, is damn good. Not only that, but we managed to run nearly three hundred and fifty people between the two of us. Now, that isn't a whole lot, considering I can do four hundred and sixteen on my own, but, it was pretty good for her first day. She even managed to catch a shoplifter.
The worst part of the night was about ten minutes before I left. I went over to the deli to get it all ready for the next shift and some asshole was complaining about how weak the coffee looked. Not in the mood to put up with his shit, I went and drained the coffee, using a small piece of garden hose. Then I started a new pot with a little extra grounds in it, and went back up to help customers. Then a customer comes over and tells me that the coffee pot is overflowing. No big deal since it happens all the time, if it is not COMPLETELY empty, it overflows. So, again, I start to hook up the hose so I could drain enough to stop it from leaking and this asshole reaches over just as I am about to connect it and says " Let me help you" just before he flips the spout and coffee starts flowing out, all over my damn hand. It hurt like hell. I jerk my hand back and he starts laughing and walks away. The pain was so intense I nearly passed out. I am a woman who has given birth to three kids with no drugs. One of them weighing in at one ounce shy of ten pounds and the little buger was only an inch shy of two feet. I can take pain. So, now I have a nice big burn on my hand and wrist. Should make work interesting tomorrow.
Well, I think that's about all I have to rant about for now. Too tired to do much else. Hubby and kids cleaned house today. Even moved the stove to clean, and cleaned out the fridge. I love inspection time.
Nikki
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Motherhood
I would have to say the single most life altering moment in my life, was when my oldest child was born. She was so beautiful. Raven black hair and blue eyes. I actually assumed her eyes would change since mine are brown, but they didn't and within a year, she was as blonde as blonde could be.
She was such a good baby too. She hardly ever fussed. Was sleeping through the night at only a few weeks old. Little did I know that my peaceful world would turn upside within a few years. Hehe.
Now she is eleven and she is so much my daughter it scares me. I look at her and I see myself. I simply pray she does not make my mistakes.
I see a little girl who is full of love, and a desire to please, only, she wants to please those that make her insecure about their friendships, or their love. Like her dad, or her friends. She knows my husband and I love her. She doesn't have to >do< anything to be loved or liked by us. It just simply is. I see a little girl who is too anxious to be a grown up. Ready for her period. Ready for a boyfriend. I found a note she wrote to a boy where she said she loved him and he wrote back saying he loved her too. There was also a poster which one of her friends wrote on the back of, I'm not sure if it was a game or what, but, I would hope so, some of it left me disturbed. I will write more on this later.
Already though, she has passed over some of my mistakes. (knock on wood). I was no longer a virgin by the time I was her age. Yes, at the tender age of barely eleven I was "deflowered". Not that I had allot of choice in the matter, nor was I a stranger to forced sexual acts. My grandfather sexually molested me when I was only eight years old (thank god my daughter didn't have to go through that) and when I was nine or so, my older brother sodomized me in front of a couple of his friends. They didn't care that it hurt, or that I was crying for them to stop. This brother was only three years older then me and all these boys were in his class at school. To this day I wonder "What was he thinking about in those moments?" anyway, another horror she will never have to survive.
I may not always feel like the best mom, sometimes even paranoid and over protective, but, at least I know I am doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. She is growing up though, faster then I could have ever imagined. I'm so afraid of her growing up and us losing our connection. Even now, we don't talk as much as we used to. When I question her about things, she gets defensive. I want to transition into a place where she can confide things to me, come to me with questions, no matter what they are about.
I have been very candid about sex with her. When we caught her exploring her body, I sat down with her and talked about masturbation. I was gentle and loving. I never made her feel bad ( at least I did my very best not to) I simply told her that it is something we only do in private. That we do not do it where others might walk in and see us, but, that it was nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, now my stress factor has skyrocket through the roof, guess I'm gonna go before this turns into something other then a "motherhood" topic.
Nikki
She was such a good baby too. She hardly ever fussed. Was sleeping through the night at only a few weeks old. Little did I know that my peaceful world would turn upside within a few years. Hehe.
Now she is eleven and she is so much my daughter it scares me. I look at her and I see myself. I simply pray she does not make my mistakes.
I see a little girl who is full of love, and a desire to please, only, she wants to please those that make her insecure about their friendships, or their love. Like her dad, or her friends. She knows my husband and I love her. She doesn't have to >do< anything to be loved or liked by us. It just simply is. I see a little girl who is too anxious to be a grown up. Ready for her period. Ready for a boyfriend. I found a note she wrote to a boy where she said she loved him and he wrote back saying he loved her too. There was also a poster which one of her friends wrote on the back of, I'm not sure if it was a game or what, but, I would hope so, some of it left me disturbed. I will write more on this later.
Already though, she has passed over some of my mistakes. (knock on wood). I was no longer a virgin by the time I was her age. Yes, at the tender age of barely eleven I was "deflowered". Not that I had allot of choice in the matter, nor was I a stranger to forced sexual acts. My grandfather sexually molested me when I was only eight years old (thank god my daughter didn't have to go through that) and when I was nine or so, my older brother sodomized me in front of a couple of his friends. They didn't care that it hurt, or that I was crying for them to stop. This brother was only three years older then me and all these boys were in his class at school. To this day I wonder "What was he thinking about in those moments?" anyway, another horror she will never have to survive.
I may not always feel like the best mom, sometimes even paranoid and over protective, but, at least I know I am doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. She is growing up though, faster then I could have ever imagined. I'm so afraid of her growing up and us losing our connection. Even now, we don't talk as much as we used to. When I question her about things, she gets defensive. I want to transition into a place where she can confide things to me, come to me with questions, no matter what they are about.
I have been very candid about sex with her. When we caught her exploring her body, I sat down with her and talked about masturbation. I was gentle and loving. I never made her feel bad ( at least I did my very best not to) I simply told her that it is something we only do in private. That we do not do it where others might walk in and see us, but, that it was nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, now my stress factor has skyrocket through the roof, guess I'm gonna go before this turns into something other then a "motherhood" topic.
Nikki
Friday, May 21, 2004
New to this
This is going to be interesting. I have journaled alot in my life and never have I done it where other people can read it. I don't know how well it will work out but I am going to try. I guess I'll simply start with a brief bit about who I am. I am 28 years old, happily married to a wonderful man, I have three wonderful, though, energetic children who range in age from four to eleven. One girl and two boys. I work outside of the home and I am great at my job, though sometimes I hate it more then anything in the world. I have three brothers and one sister who is no longer with us. I have four nieces and nine nephews. One more on the way though I am not sure if it will be a boy or girl.
I don't speak to my family much, for reasons of my own which I am sure will come out sooner or later. I do however have a second family here online. A wonderful group of people I have known for about five to six years now. They are my family, the ones I cry to when I'm sad, the ones I laugh with when I'm happy, the ones I turn to when I need help getting through something. They are my family, more so then most of my real family, with the exception of my brother J.
Well, I think this is about all for now, I know it's pretty boring, but, still trying to get comfortable with the thought that anyone can read these entries. Guess we'll see how it goes.
Nikki
I don't speak to my family much, for reasons of my own which I am sure will come out sooner or later. I do however have a second family here online. A wonderful group of people I have known for about five to six years now. They are my family, the ones I cry to when I'm sad, the ones I laugh with when I'm happy, the ones I turn to when I need help getting through something. They are my family, more so then most of my real family, with the exception of my brother J.
Well, I think this is about all for now, I know it's pretty boring, but, still trying to get comfortable with the thought that anyone can read these entries. Guess we'll see how it goes.
Nikki
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