Up and Running

Well, here is the finished product, links and all included. I am excited to have it up and once more I want to thank Mija for a fabulous job done!

I was looking at my new look today, enjoying the change and it dawned on me that in the last year I have made a tremendous amount of change.

So much so that sometimes it scares me. What if I change so much that my family, my friends, and my coworkers no longer recognize me? What if I change so much that >I< don't recognize me? Is there such thing as too much change?

I have never thought of myself as a bad person, with the exception of my seriously depressed days. So it stands to reason that I wouldn't really need to change who I am. Yet, I found myself not liking who I was. I found myself wishing I was a better wife, friend, lover, sister, daughter, but most importantly, mother.

Am I becoming that? Do my kids see a change in me? I don't know, but I hope so. My kids are my life. Granted, I have a great husband, and awesome friends and that helps me in so many ways, but I can not imagine my life without my children.

In reading the news today, I saw three stories of mother's who have killed their children and I sat here in stunned silence. I read Lili's post today and yesterday, and I wanted to cry for the little boy she wrote about. (If you haven't been to Lili's blog, it's on my side bar under "Lee" and I highly recommend it.)

What the hell goes through the minds of these monsters? Do they feel anything but evil? How can anyone harm a child?

They blame it on depression, or a mental disorder. Well I have both and let me tell you my friends, I can say honestly that never once have I thought my kids would be better off dead. Sure I've thought they might be better off without me, but never would the world be a better place without my kids.

I have a lot of random thoughts zipping through my head. We filed our taxes today and that means as soon as we get them back, all three of the children get new clothes. I will have to sort through and get rid of the ones that don't fit them anymore. I hate donating to good will and salvation army because they do turn around and sell them for profit. I think I will make some phone calls and see if there is a domestic violence shelter nearby that I can give them to. A lot of those women leave home with no money and just the clothes on their backs.

I went to a domestic violence shelter once. Not because my ex-husband beat me up, but because I was afraid he would take my daughter away from me if I tried to file for divorce. Much to my shock, the house looked like any other on the block and was only four blocks from where I grew up. I remember as a kid I used to be envious of the kids that lived there because it had a huge fenced in backyard and one of those great big jungle gym type things. It wasn't until I was inside that I realized that they had so much more sadness there then I did.

My daughter and I shared a room with two other women. We slept in the same bed, her little body curled up against mine. I can remember the smell of her as I lay in the dark listening to her breath. Wondering where it had all went wrong. I was young when I married her father, and by then we had only been married a couple of years, yet there I was, hiding from the man who fathered my child. The women that were there with me were also hiding. Hiding from the monsters that they lived with. Their black and blue and broken faces told the story that many of them didn't have courage to speak out loud. Their children, fearful of going outside, fearful of the ringing of the phone, still breaks my heart to think about.

When does it all stop? When does the hurting each other stop? When will our children feel safe again? Why are more people not concerned with it? Why does it all have to hurt so much?

Almost complete

So, construction is nearly completed here on my blog thanks to Mija, who I can't link for some reason because I'm to lame to remember how to do it. However, she designed this great layout for me and I searched for a long time to find a picture that I liked and when I saw this one, I knew it was the one, even though I can't see it on my own website I have been assured it was there.

Thank you Mija, you did a stunning job, I am so happy with it.

I have not been around because my financial aide came through for my schooling and I was tossed right into doing assignments. I have literally spent every single free waking moment doing homework. Sacrificing my blog, my games, my movies, and well, everything but my kids.

Thankfully it is already paying off as my first round of scores came back from two classes and I am getting an A+ in both. Let's see if I can maintain that for the rest of the semester. It will be a huge boost for my self esteem if I finish these classes with all A's, although I will be satisfied with B's.

Kids have had some kind of stomach bug, so for two days, amidst trying desperately to prepare for a test and complete assignments, I have been cleaning up after them and trying to comfort them. I don't think anyone likes to throw up, but I cry when I do and my kids are just like me. So off I run to hold their hair and rub their backs. It's about all the comfort I can offer to the situation, though it seems to be fading now.

Work is the same; always busy doing much of nothing. They did lay off a manager, the official reason was cutbacks, however, I don't really buy that since only one was let go and he was the least, productive shall we say. He is friendly as all hell, just not productive.

So, little by little I am starting to pull things together. I want to find a routine that will allow me to do all the things I want to do and all the things I have to do, and somehow find some time to breathe. Not sure it is possible, might have to cut back on some stuff, but we'll see if practice really does make perfect.

Begining Construction

Okay, so, I am going to spend the next couple of days revamping my blog, so it may be down for a little while. Thanks to the beautiful and talented Mija I am going to be the recipient of a one of a kind blog template. So, in keeping with that update, I am going to work my ass off to get all my old posts moved to their new home, update my links, and just give everything a fresh new look.

Look for everything in the next couple of days.

A Little of This and a Little of That

Shades of Woe left me a comment that said “No to rain on your parade or anything, I admire your motivation, but why would you choose to be a FULL TIME student when you already have a lot to handle? Wasn't part time an option?” and I felt the need to address this.

I have never been good at doing anything at a slow pace. Going part time would have probably fit better into my schedule, but it is not within me to do something that will prolong the end result.

When I cook, everything is cooked on high if it is possible. I would rather stand over the stove for an hour and be done with it then have to run out and stir something for three hours. I realize that some things are not cooked well on high and for those things; I do force myself to slow down and flick the knob over to medium. I have no idea what the hell the “low” setting on my stovetop does.

It is the same with life. I jump in with both feet and do the best I can. I really do function better under pressure then I do without. In addition to this, is the fact that Chris is attending full time and we will be taking the same classes with the same teachers. This means that he can keep me up to date on when the assignments are due and help me if I need it. He is like my own personal tutor. The man is too smart for his own damn good.

I think this goes back to my bi-polar disorder. It is common for me to feel like I can take on the world during my manic episodes. Only when the depression sinks in do I feel like I am not capable of completing my tasks. I can honestly say that I have been doing very well at keeping the depression away from me.

It’s been hard and that bitch has tried to sneak up on me more then once in the last couple of weeks, but I am fighting back and for a change I am winning the fight. I am realistic enough to know that it may not always be this way. There is a very good chance that she will creep up on me and bash me over the head when I’m not looking, but for now I am going to keep my eyes open for her and try to head her off at the pass.

I look at my life and I feel good. We are not in the best financial situation right now, but, we have the basic needs for ourselves and our children. Our kids are good kids at heart, a little rough around the edges, but all in all pretty good kids. We have a roof over our heads and both Chris and I are working towards a life that will better us in the long run. I have great friends that I love and adore with all of my heart and every single day I am grateful for them. I have Chris who is the love of my life and my soul mate. He treats me like a princess and on the rare occasion that we do fight, it ends very quickly and things are always better between us. We never have to worry about fighting over the big things. Neither of us has a physical addiction that impairs us. Neither of us would dream of cheating on the other. Neither of us abuses the other. We do not fight about money. We really are a very good team and when I am not losing my mind, we work very well together to figure out a solution to whatever the problem may be.

Our latest issue is our daughter’s school work. Every day she comes home and every day Chris or I ask her if she has homework. Very seldom does she actually say that she does. Each of the kids have a ‘planner” that was bought at the beginning of the school year and every day the children are supposed to fill it out. She doesn’t refuse so much as she gets distracted and doesn’t do it. Oh she is responsible for not doing it; don’t mistake what I’m saying for an excuse. She does have ADHD and that means, by the doctor’s explanation, that her brain moves faster then it should and she has a hard time focusing on one thing. So, by the time she realizes the teacher has told her to get out her planner and fill it out, she’s forgotten what she is supposed to write in it. So, as a compromise, we agreed that instead of writing down everything she did do, she was supposed to write down everything that she is supposed to complete. Well, she’s not doing this either and we got a call from her teachers. Well, to be more precise, Chris got the call. Teacher informed him that my daughter has a 30% in her class. Now, this is a shock because my daughter tests very highly on all of her test scores. She is in the top 5% of her class. She does college level math. She speaks two different languages and she’s got a 30% in one of her classes?! So, stupid me, made the mistake of asking what class she was failing in. Health. She is freaking failing her HEALTH class!!! In hearing all the details, she is not so much failing as she is missing a ton of assignments. When we asked her why she didn’t have them turned in her response was “Because I already know all that stuff!” So, I let her in on a little secret that she didn’t know. She would be doing all the chores for the next week. Chris chimed in with something else she didn’t know. She no longer had a television, vcr, or stereo in her room.

Hopefully we will see some better results in the coming weeks.

So, I have also been thinking about what Chris said about resolutions. He knows that I have all these things I want to do to improve my life, but he insisted that I come up with one that will be fun for me. His “fun” resolution is to learn Japanese. So after a long time in thinking of it, I came up with something that will be a lot of fun for me. Now, don’t laugh, I’m serious about this. It is something that I did with my family a long time ago that I loved to do and have been wanting to go back to for a long time. Now, I know that getting Chris to agree is going to be about as easy as getting a plane to fly without it’s wings. However, I am determined to get him to go to square dancing lessons with me. That’s right folks, Nikki loves to square dance.

Now I shall slink of in shame and plot how to convince my husband that it will be fun.

A New Adventure

Right, so, deep wells of frustration and anger are festering like an infested simmering pool of hatred inside my brain. I hate this feeling. I am tried of the constant battle of trying to keep the things at bay is driving me mad. Is it just hormones or is it something deeper?

The college thing that I was so excited about is beginning to wear on me. I have done all that I was supposed to and I am still not enrolled. There was a “random” selection to have my financial aid reviewed. This entails me driving 40 minutes, filling out a paper, handing over my last year’s taxes and going about my merry way. Simple you think? Of course it is, but this “random” selection has selected us, randomly of course, three fucking times.

I am worried about Chris’ suspension. We did all the paperwork needed and turned it in and now it is up to the Dean of Student Services to decide if he is going to get it or not. My head is pounding from the stress.

I think I am smoking more now then before. I can’t help it. My nerves are shot. How am I going to juggle my family, a full time job, and be a full time student? I am scared, maybe this is not something I should have done right now. I am afraid of failing the classes, when will have time to study? I spend every waking minute working or taking care of things that need to be done.

I love Chris and he does help around the house. He makes the kid keep it pretty nice. He does not however, do the little things that I do that I like done. I don’t bother to bring this up to him, because face it ladies, I’ll be damned if I am going to bitch at my husband over doing the housework >my< way when most women are bitching at their husbands to get any of it done. I do appreciate what he does. He makes sure the floors are picked up, vacuumed regularly. I never come home to a dirty kitchen or a nasty bathroom. The garbage may not always be taken out to the dumpster, but it is pulled out the trash bin so that I’m not fighting to throw something away when I am cooking myself something to eat. I will not complain to him that they didn’t sweep along the edges of the wall, or the stairs before vacuuming, or that the entertainment center is not dusted.

This however, means that on my days off, I do all of the bills, I do the laundry; I have to do any kind of paperwork that might need done. Contact people by phone when it is needed. Like, today, I had to call the bank and ask them why there was $40.00 in overdraft charges for my account considering that the money was there. Once I found out that www.gamefly.com, which we have had a subscription through for a year now, charged us 10 days early, I had to call them and find out way. After 45 minutes on the phone with no real answer, and about six years of aggravation, I was hung up on when I asked her to cancel our account. We have been talking about it for a while; their turn around time is horrible. We dealt with that, but this, the way I was treated, was the icing on the cake and I will never go through them again, even if they built a shipping facility next door to us. I can not stand people who are rude and obnoxious. I think my biggest issue, next to the money, was this bitch had the audacity to ask me “Why didn’t you just call us?” to which my reply was “Well you have no number listed on your website anywhere to which you can be reached, it took me three days to find this number” “Oh, well I have an account and I know it’s on there” in her snotty little freaking tone. “Yeah? Well I’m on the website now, please direct me, so she gave me some bullshit run around “Click this, Click that” and I’m like “ Look, I did what you said, I even typed in “customer service number” and the only thing that comes up is “How Do I Activate Parental Controls?” so if that is your number, I got it lady.” Second person I spoke to assured me that the number is not listed on their website. I was so freaking pissed. Can we tell?

To add to the joy that is my life, my daughter started her period for the first time today. Here is a little excerpt from our conversation. Be forewarned if you are squeamish, this is not a conversation for you to read.

So, daughter calls me into the bathroom, shows me, and I respond with "Right, so, here are your pads we bought you, this is how you put them on your panties. Any questions?"
Her: >two hours later< this isn't so bad mom, I have this pain in my leg right here, but, it's just a small "cramp", I don’t see the big deal.

I look at where she is pointing to the outside of her hip “That’s not where it will cramp”

Her: >two hours later< MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM MY STOMACH HUUUUUUUUURTS! MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!

So, I force down a grin and hunt down Tylenol.

Daughter: mom, how do I know when to change this thing?
Me: well... you change it when it's full
Daughter: full of what?
Me: ... blood?
Daughter: well my teacher says it isn't all blood; it has mucus in there too
Me: that isn't the point!
Daughter: does that mean she was wrong?
Me: no, it means I didn't feel like saying "when it is full of blood and mucus"!
Chris >holds hands over ears< LALALLALALLALALALALLA
Daughter: what's wrong with him?


So begins a great new adventure in our household. Dealing with a hormonal girl who turns 13 in a few months.

Damn I feel old.

True Love

So, I’m not doing so well in keeping up with my New Year’s resolutions. I can tell because I am still not getting on to post every day. I have no excuses for yesterday other then I was busy spending time with Chris playing video games.

I am letting go of the hurt from my mom and moving on to dealing with other things. There was a glitch in my financial aid for school so I am still waiting to see if I am going to go this year or not. Chris was placed on suspension because of failing the one class so I have been working on his appeal. All I can do is pray that the dean reinstates his student loans, we can not afford to repay them all right.

So, on happier news, my five year old has decided he is going to read “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” all by himself, only, he reads out loud and he’s so funny. When his sister stepped in to help him, he told her she was reading too fast, there was no way for her “savor the story”.

The following conversation also took place.

Youngest son: I am going to marry you.
Daughter: You can’t marry me, I have a boyfriend.
Youngest son: Well I’ll beat him up and marry you.
Daughter: You’re too small to beat him up.
Youngest son: I’ll use Dad’s workout machine and get big, then I’ll hold your hand tightly and we’ll get married.
Daughter: >sounds exasperated< I have a boyfriend.
Youngest son: Who ZAAAAAACK? I’ll beat him up, I’ll use Dad’s workout and get big and strong and beat him up and he won’t be able to do anything but cry like a girl.
Daughter: >sounds irritated< You are NOT going to beat up my boyfriend and marry me, I like my boyfriend!
Youngest son: >sounds all hurt< But.. don’t you love me?
Daughter: >sighs< Of course I love you
Youngest son: >sounds triumphant< See! We will get married because you like Zack but you >LOVE< me! And I know all your favorite things, and I will make you dinner and let you take your bath before me. I'll even let you pick which movie you want to watch first.
Daughter: Talk to me when you’re 25

Of course, for him, he only understands that when two people love each other they get married. I found the interaction, and the fact that he doesn’t want to lose her very sweet. Chris and I were talking about it and I told him I wasn’t terribly worried, we’d see where things stand when he’s sixteen.

Let Down

Right, so it is not my fault that I did not blog. My computer has been being worked on since my last post. Not that anything major went wrong with it, but for some reason it wouldn’t let me play the game we pay fifteen dollars a month for.

So, I have been writing down what I was going to post about. Had something great written, but, then my mother called me. As I’ve mentioned, they have been talking about moving here for months. They said they we were just waiting for the spring to arrive so that they wouldn’t have to travel in the middle of winter.

Chris told me not to get my hopes up. I did anyway. Imagining all the fun things about being around my mother that I’ve missed. I would an adult to go to church with me and the kids. I would have someone to play cards with and cook for once in a while. Someone that spend time with my kids, my mother loves to sew and craft and I just don’t have time for it much anymore with me working and getting ready to go to school. My sewing machine hasn’t been threaded in probably two years. I miss her spontaneity, she shows up at the house, wants to take me shopping or to lunch, or to get my hair done.

I don’t go out anywhere, I stay at home with Chris. One reason is because he won’t allow me to, but also because it is where I am most comfortable. When we lived near my mom, she was the one person who could coax me out of the house and I was looking forward to it.

I was looking forward to spending time with my father, watching him interact with my kids. I miss his stories about when he was a kid and what it was like to grow up so long ago. I miss hugging him. He is the most huggable man I know besides Chris.

I am disappointed, but all I could say when she told me was “You have to do what feels right for you” It is what my dad said to me when we moved away. I couldn’t make him feel bad for his decision.

I worry about what my mother is going to do when my father dies. My brother’s will descend like a pack of wolves on his stuff, not offering any comfort to her at all. I worry that I have missed my last chance to see him alive and see him spend time with my kids.

I wish I could change things, but, everything happens for a reason. I have to keep telling myself that or I will go absolutely crazy. I can only pray that God gives me strength to get through this disappointment.

I should be used to my mother letting me down, she’s done it to me my whole life, but it still hurts so badly. I wish I could stop needing her love and approval so much. Most of all, I pray that I never make any of my kids feel like this.

Training

In keeping with my resolution, here I am to write for today. Not a lot has happened. I went to work and had my first taste of my new position. I am scared and nervous. It is very challenging and I don’t feel like I am getting the proper training. I am also afraid to complain about the training because I do not want to be seen as someone who complains a lot. They trained me for 2.5 hours for a job that most people spend 40 hours training for. To top it off, I was informed that one of the team leads would be taking vacation and I would be taking his team for the next nine days. Oh hell.

>sighs<

I must work on my confidence.

I spent New Years Eve with Chris and the kids. We got them sparkling white grape juice. They called it champagne. We had wine coolers. Then we ordered pizza. It was so relaxing. We spent the night playing video games and rang the New Year in as a family and to me; it was one of the best ways I could think of.

Well, in keeping up with the resolutions, I am going to post each day on how I intend to achieve them.

The first goal is to quite smoking. In order to do this, I am going to wait until we get our taxes and then buy the patch. To keep my hands busy I am going to buy myself some puzzle books to work on when I need a smoke. I am also going to pray a lot. I know that I can do this, but it will be hard.

Well, I think this is about all I have to say for today. I am still waiting for some spare time to move all of my archives over to their new home so this kind of stuff can be posted over there. Hope all is going well with all of you.

A New Year

A new year is upon us much quicker then I had anticipated. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on 2005.

For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to the exciting things that will be happening this year. I am ready to put 2005 behind me.

So many bad things have happened this year. I lost my job of two years which caused me to miss my niece’s wedding. We ended up with mice when they cut the woods down near our apartment. I was sick several times. Chris failed on his classes. We went to war with my father in law. We were investigated by social services. I went to court for unpaid fines, driving without a license, driving without insurance, as well as driving with outdated tags. My children were exposed to, and allowed to handle firearms by adults in their lives who are not responsible enough to be teaching them that. My cousin Charlie was laid to rest.

However, despite all of the bad things that happened, there were a lot of good things that happened as well. Chris did finish the first quarter of school with a 4.0. I found a job that I like better, that pays more money, that is less stressful, that is more appreciative of the things I have to offer as an employee. At that job, I managed to get a promotion in less then a year, beating out others who have been there for nearly nine years. Our children spent the summer with my family, which gave Chris and me some much needed time. My cousin came and spent some time with us. I have blogged with more regularity then before. I did loose some weight. My youngest son started school. I started school. I met great people here in blogland and have made, what I can only hope, are life long connections. I have made huge strides in improving myself, how I look at things, controlling my emotions. I am not all the way where I want to be, but I am heading straight for it.

I like New Years because the last year I can set things that happened in the last year, on a shelf, and start over. I love having a fresh slate to work with and I am full of resolutions. I have a lot, but I also have an entire year in which to accomplish the things I want to do. So, here is my list of resolutions for the New Year.

1) Quit Smoking
2) Loose weight
3) Fix my credit
4) Get “temple ready”
5) Get Chris’ license back
6) Make it through the 1st year of school
7) Blog once a day
8) Buy a new vehicle
9) Sort through all my pictures and get them so I can make back up disks
10) Make scrap books for all my kids out of their old school work

I am going to keep coming back to these during the year, updating to see how I’m doing, but before I do that, I am going to put in a plan of action for each goal. Each thing has a detailed list of the smaller things I can do to help myself reach the big goals.

In my blogging goal, it is going to be extra hard because I am working on moving my past/present stuff over to a new blog so that this one can go back to being what it was intended for. Someday, when my ashes have been spread in the mountains, I want my kids to be able to read about my life, read about my past, their childhood, my marriage with Chris. However, I do not want them to read about the kinky sex stuff in our lives, or the fantasies that I sometimes have. I think that is a little too much information. So, for now I will keep updating here, but when I do get everything moved over, I will alternate where I post on my blogs each day. There is just no way that I can make two blog entries each day.

I hope and pray that all you have a great 2006. In my heart I long for peace in my life and that extends to those I love. I am looking forward, I hope you all are too.