Charlie

I had fully intended that the next post was going to finish up the "Nikki and Chris' first Valentine"

However, life has a funny way of throwing you a curve ball when you least expect it.

One week ago today was my beautiful sister's birthday, I have tried hard not to focus on this and stay positive, knowing it is what she would want.

Let me tell you about someone else in my family. Charles Byron Shilling. Charlie is what we called him.

I remember my cousin Charlie fondly. He was a great big guy, at least to me, which wasn't hard since he was 10 years older then I was.

Always a great deal of fun, but, too much fun can bring trouble knocking on your door.

His home life was not stable. His parents were constantly fighting, his dad an alchoholic. It was his job to look after his two younger sisters as he was the oldest of the three.

He took this job very seriously and it wasn't long before it began to extend to the rest of us. When my sister was killed, leaving me as the only girl in my family, it was as if suddenly all the male cousins and upgraded themselves into being my brothers.

Charlie seemed to be there more, perhaps only because we often found ourselves at the same parties. The differance was, he was old enough to drink and do what he wanted and I was not. I did them anyway.

He made damn sure that I was always looked after during these parties. I heard stories whispered about girls who were taken advantage of, but never me, and I knew that it was because people were terrified of Charlie, and Nick, and David, and Angel, and the rest of my older cousins who were well known as scrappers.

Not only were they serious scrappers, often striking out in anger rather quickly, but, they also had each other's backs. Everyone knew that *IF* they managed to beat one of us down, they would eventually get it anyway, that's just the way that it was. We didn't go out looking for trouble and we never threw the first punch, that was the rule by then, we didn't hit first, however, my family had suffered enough and while unspoken, we knew that none of us would ever allow anyone to get away with hitting us again. My sister taught us all that lesson.

So, tonight I say goodbye to Charlie, who was my friend, my cousin, my protecter. Here is his story, and my little tribute to him.


Charlie's Story


MY TRIBUTE TO CHARLIE

You took my hand and walked me through
The hardest years of my life
You had the words
You made the sacrifice

You made me laugh
Now I will cry
My heart is broken
I must say goodbye

Time will heal the wounds
That is what they say
All I can do is kneel and pray

Dear Lord,
Please watch over my cousin Charlie. I know he's done some bad things in life, but as your earthly children, none of us are perfect. Yes I know, he neglected many of things he should have paid attention to and gave more attention to things he shouldn't, but I pray that you open up your arms and welcome him home. Reunite him with those he's stood beside me and mourned, they will teach him the way now. Thank you for giving us this time with him, short as it may seem to us and please forgive me if I selfishly weep for my loss, even when those above rejoice to see him once more. Finally Lord, give him the love he has always felt lacking, heal the wounds of his soul. Make him whole again. He will forever stand above and watch us, another guardian angel in our lives. Seeing his daughter's grow. These are things that I pray for now, for a man who gave so much. Please Dear Lord, let him in.


Dear Charlie,
Too many years have passed, but please know that you have never been far from my thoughts. Our lives had no choice but to go seperate ways, but I have always and always will love you. I will not be able to see you laid to rest, you know we can't afford it, but my heart will be there and I will kneel and pray during that time. You were always loved, I wish that you could have seen it. I wish you could have seen how much you were worth to those in your life. I wish that you could have let go of the drugs, the alchohol, the resentment, the anger and hurt. As much as I wished for those things when you were alive, I know that they are now simply a given. Please give my love to Melody, and Grandma and Grandpa, and Aunt Pearl and Uncle Jack. I will do my best to watch your daughter's from afar, being here if there is anything I can do for them. Somehow though, I know that with all that they have above us, I will probably not be needed. Look down and smile, even at our tears, for you were so loved, and always will be. Forever loving you. Nikki.

I'm Sorry

I had left on my anonymous comments on because I know some very good people who sign their name at the bottom but according to blogger are "Anonymous"

I did this because not only am I getting hateful comments, but I am getting spammed like crazy. If someone wants to leave me nasty comments, he/she is just going to have to suck it up and give themselves a name.

For those of you who normally post under Anonymous and are actually saying something useful, I apologize, I just refuse to go through what I went through before over this. Please understand, if you'd like, you can always email me at Nikki.Valentine@gmail.com.

Just a quick note to let you know I did have all four teeth pulled out and I'm still very sore and just now starting to get around. Thanks to everyone for their prayers and well wishes.

A Jumble

Well, so much has been going on I don't know where to start. I have so many thoughts and emotions right now that I am struggling to put them all down to words.

I have been given such amazing support. The love and friendship I have been shown recently is beyond words. You see, growing up, I had alot of "friends", but, only because I was related to some of the biggest drug dealers in our town. I never paid for drugs, ever. I was so hungry for friendship that I didn't realize that I was simply being used until after I had given up drugs and watched my "friends" drop off like flies, save one.

This however is differant. Those here who have shown me friendship, love and support, gain nothing from me in return, except the return of love, friendship and support. I don't have to provide them anything in way of materialistic things. Simply my words, my love, support and friendship are enough for them. For me, this is a phenomenon. My heart feels near bursting with emotion over it.

The asswipe that left the nasty comment does not even deserve mention. I will however state that I agree with most of you, he/she is a sad pathetic soul and should seek some serious mental issues.

I had a hard time with what was said because as most abuse victims, I have felt that sense of blaming. Did I say something? Do something? Was it what I was wearing? Maybe I turned the wrong way and he saw too much?

I have been in sitations where I have been sexually abused, molested by people I loved and trusted, and yes, in some of those circumstances, I even orgasmed during some of these attacks. However, I will continue to call them what they were, attacks, abuse. I did not ask for them, I did not want them. With all but a select few circumanstances, I did say no. Despite what some people think, no can mean just that. NO!

I do not control my body however. When you are cold, the heat feels good, when you are warm, the cold feels good. This is a chemical reaction to stimuli and I refuse to allow some nameless person make me feel bad because of something I could not control. It was the chemicals in my body reacting, not me, not my heart that was breaking, not my soul that felt like it was being ripped out, not my mind that had to drift to other places just to be able to make it through the nightmare.

I am also struggling with why I am submissive after all that has happened to me. It is something that keeps coming up in conversations between me and those close to me who know about my life, as well as between myself and Chris. I have no answers.

My submission (if that is the label it is destined to have) goes beyond our bedroom. I love to serve Chris. I cook for him, I clean our home and take pride in it for him. His praise fills me with a feeling of love, acceptance and a warmth I have never before felt. I enjoy kneeling at his feet to watch tv, I love to serve him his dinner.

I have learned, in the beginning, from reading the blog of a woman named Amber, and then later on through blogs and conversations with others, that what I feel, what I want, what I desire, are healthy normal feelings. I am not hurting anyone. It makes me happy, it makes my husband happy, when you have happy parents, you have happy children. This has made my home full of harmony. No one will convince me that this is a bad thing.

Probably the best thing about this journey has been the fact that we have been forced to communicate alot more then we used to. It used to be very hard for me to talk to him about things. Sometimes it still is. Not nearly as bad as it was. I do not feel so alone anymore, and right now, I can honestly say that when I do feel lonely, it is more a product of my bi-polar than anything. Now, mind you, there is going to come a time when no amount of reasoning is going to convince me of that, it's just how my mind works.

I can say though, that while Chris and I have decided to give up the label of "submissiveness" for me, it does not change how I feel towards him, or him towards me. I was feeling constantly like a failure because he would want to have sex and I didn't want to, so we didn't. This felt as if I was running things but making him responsible. If he questioned me "I thought you were supposed to do what I say" I would freak out. This was not what I had intended, it was not what he had intended. For us, the label didn't work because then guilt would kick in, self doubts would rise, I would question myself and wonder why I was always failing at everything that I do. This just takes the expectation out of it. He will still spank me. I will continue to serve him as I always have, and we will be happy with one another. There may come a time when it changes again, so be it, good marriages are about change. Learning to compromise with one another, try new things. I feel as if I have one of the better marriages out there. (Not directed towards those I know, just, statistics in general) .

Speaking of which, Chris and I are nearing our 6th wedding anniversary in the next couple of weeks as well as birthdays for both of us. I don't think I've ever mentioned my age, but, I will be turning 30 this year and that is, as stupid as it sounds, heavy on my mind. I will probably post alot about this later on.

Bear with me for the rest of this week as we are still working overtime. I have to take it now because next week I am going in for oral surgery. I have to have four teeth removed immediatly, they are hurting so bad that it is keeping me from sleeping. Chris finally dragged me into the dentist today and of course he did alot of preaching about how I should have come in a long time ago to have them worked on. Well, I didn't have insurance. I am terrified of dentists. The pain wasn't so bad. I could go on and on about why I didn't go, but, the result is the same. I am going to have four teeth removed and then return to the dentist to see about getting partials put in.

I am reading each of you, maybe not everyday, but, I start at the top of my list and read as many of you as I can. Most of you know I am not a daily commenter anyway, but I am here, I am reading, I am bearing testimony to your stories and my heart is with all of you.

Thank you for being here for me.

Just Temporary

I apologize now, but I wanted to let you all know I will be gone for a couple of days, not because of AnonyAss, but because I am taking extra hours at work, 20 this week and 20 next week to be exact, so, that means I'll be working 120 hours in the next two weeks. I will barely have time to breath and sleep, much less post.

I will touch on AnonyAss when I return, but, for the moment he/she is not worth my time.

My readers however, who have rallied to my defense, I will comment. You all have made me feel very much loved and supported and no words will ever be able to thank you properly. I thought about giving up blogging but you all made me realize that if I did, he/she/they would win and I won't allow that, not in my life, not now, not ever.

Thank you, thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. I cried as I read each of them. Your words touched a place inside of me, and each of you holds a special place in my heart. Forgive my departure, but I will return soon.

Children

It is my opinion that nothing in this world is more important then our children. They are everything. They represent our future. The children we are raising now will become our leaders tomarrow. We must protect that with every means possible.

I do hold myself responsible for the raising of my children. My children have been taught to be independant, loving, compassionate, and self sufficiant. I do not think they are by no means ready to go into the world, but I am confidant that they are well on their way.

All of my children, including my boys, will have the life skills they need to live on their own. Since they were able to walk, they have helped me in the kitchen, learning how to cook. Perhaps this doesn't seem to be a big thing, but I can assure you that future spouses will appreciate this skill. My daughter can sew her own clothes, my boys will also be taught when they are old enough. They all have chores they are responsible for taking care and we rotate those so that they can each learn how to take care of each room of the house.

By the time that my children were three, they could bathe themselves. I remember a time when we lived with my inlaws, my son was about 5 and I sent him in for a shower, in the meantime I went downstairs to get my youngest boy settled in for bed. All the way downstairs I could hear angry shrieking and I rushed back up to see what was going on. Grandma, in her effort to be helpfull, went in to wash him. Of course, my son flipped out, he did not want anyone touching his body (we have talked about their bodies being their own since before they could talk). Grandma said she was trying to make sure he was cleaned and out in a hurry, and I do believe this, however, I explained to her that my children were taught that no one gets to touch them in the places a bathing suit covers, ever. Not even the doctor unless Mommy or a Nurse is there with them. She was astounded, she said "But he's a child" and I said "Yes, but he is my child, and his body belongs to him" She asked me how I make sure he is clean and I said " I send him in to shower Grandma, he's old enough to clean his own body"

But, I want to protect them. I want to keep them from the predators that we've been talking about. I do not mind being responsible for my children, getting to know the parents of their friends. However, I know that evil hides itself in many forms. My own grandfather, Angel's grandfather, both abused us respectivaly. These were men who where entrusted with us by our parents. Some people think I am fooling myself, but, I do not believe that my grandfather molested anyone before my grandmother died. That means, that my mother had no reason to fear her own father. I do not fear mine. How can I make good judgments if you don't know who to trust? I could limit my children to my next door neighbor that we've known for four years, but, does that mean I know if he is a child molestor or not? Does that mean I should keep my children from going anywhere?

I don't ask these questions just to be difficult. I ask because while my children were gone, I did alot of thinking about them and I realized that my daughter has only spent one night with a friend in her 12 years. Not that she hasn't been invited, simply I do not know the parents. I want to get to know these parents, but, I learned that when you say "I'm sorry but she can't stay the night until I know you better" is a sure fire way to lose your child's friends.

How do I know when I've went from "protective" to "smothering"? Am I impending their childhood with my own fears and insecurities?

I have had people ask me why I would want a Sex Offender Registry. I would look at the address and try to determine if any of them lived near me, I would read the names to see if I know any of them, then, I would be more cautious. I would not allow my child to play in their home, even if they had kids. Not that I wouldn't allow their children to play with mine just not in their homes. Would I tell my kids what it all means? Hell no.

It's frustrating, it's irritating, I want a solution, I want answers. I want the fucking system to do it's job so that I can do mine better. They need to seriously look at the system and realize what makes it so easy to victimize today's children. There are no clear cut laws. There are no clear cut consequences. Our prison system used to make it scary to go to prison. I have asked people and 7 out of 10 of them say that they have no fear of prison. People who are abused are afraid to come forward because our system fails.

Chris and I had a lengthy conversation about this and this is how it went, best of my recollection.

me: So, I posted today about the Sex Offender's Registry
him: Yeah, how'd it go over, that's a pretty touchy subject
me: Yeah but it gave me alot to think about, I mean, there were some pretty good points
him: So are you for it or against it?
me: I am for it, but it would have to be restructured to be fair. This thing with Jetseta Gage just makes me sick, I mean, how can a parent NOT know what is happening in her own home?
him: Well, maybe like you, she worked second shift and saw her kids very little, maybe when she was with them she never really saw them when she was with them. Not all parents want to be, or are as aware of their children as we are.
me: What exscuse is there for allowing the brother of the man that molested your child to be a part of your life though?
him: I don't have an answer to that, but think of this, what would you do if our daughter came to you and told you I had molested her?
me: I would ask you to move out, or I would take the kids and leave
him: For how long?
me: Until I had it sorted out
him: Explain that for me, what do you mean by sorted out?
me: I would need to determine if she was being honest (my daughter does have issues with honesty) I would need to be able to work it out if it wasn't
him: So, what your trying to say is that you would want to work it out?
me: Yes
him: You see Nikki, this is the thing, even when these parents know, they want to work it out, like , in my family, we do not air our dirty laundry in public, if an argument breaks out in the yard, we go inside. Alot of people are raised like that, and, who wants to believe the man they love is hurting their child? So, maybe they did know, maybe they even talked to him about it and he promised to never do it again. Maybe the mom just couldn't deal with it so she turned her back on it, like your mom, to this day, she refuses to talk about your sister, it's like, if you don't talk about it, it doesn't happen.
me: But if I felt she was being honest, I would not try to "work it out", I would have you arrested
him: I love you and I know you love the children, but, honestly Nikki, I don't know if you could do that
me: I could Chris, I would have to
him: You really think you could have me arrested?
me: For that, yes
him: Tell me why, tell me why you sound so strong and sure when you say it like that
me: Because all I ever wanted was justice. I wanted my grandfather to be arrested.
him: I think you just wanted someone to believe you
me: Yes, and even if he didn't do jail time, arresting him would have proven to me that someone believed me, someone cared.

It is the sad reality that more often then not, even reported abuse goes unpunished. This opens up so much hurt and fear that I can not begin to describe it.

All I wanted was for someone to believe me, show me I was important, to erase the words of my mother from my mind. "You are sick to imagine something like that, you need help"

Our System

WOW! I have the most awsome readers, how lucky am I? Thank you all so much for your comments. This was exactly what I needed as a sounding board. I didn't agree with all of the opinions, but, I do believe that everyone has a right to their own and please do not think, if I disagree with you, that I do not respect you or your opinon, it is simply differant from mine. Many of the ideas and thoughts are the same however, so, here is part two.


First of all, this is part of the problem. Our system fails us so badly. They do convict the wrong people for the wrong reasons. The woman who took a picture of her son, I think that is just stupid. You see, I would never take those kinds of pictures anymore because it is considered sexual abuse, however, when my daughter was little it was not and I do have some pictures of her happily playing in bubble baths, grinning up at me through all the bubbles. You can not see a damn thing you shouldn't, but I love photos. They are art to me, maybe more so than paintings. They represent life as it is. My brother is married to one of the most wonderful women ever and she is obssessed with recording her children's lives through photo's and scrapebooking. I can easily see this kind of thing happening to her. Does she mean harm to her children? Hell no, she'd step in front of a bus or take a bullet for any one of her children. She is an attentive and loving mother, she just wants them to be able to see themselves in all facets of life when they get older.

Secondly, for those men/women who are guilty, how do we protect their families? Why should they be punished when they are victims as well? I wish I could have faith in people to know the differance between the men/women who commit the crimes and their families, but lets get real here folks, it seems people open up to a cause and many of them become fanatical about it. Hell, this country still suffers from hate crimes every single day of the week just because someone is a differant color, or religion, or has a differant sexual preferance then them. What makes us think they have judgment enough to let these people live in peace. A good case in point is posted over at my friend Xariklea's Angry Bitch blog. Just read her story and you'll see what I mean by total lack of judgment.

Then there is the wrongly convicted. No, this doesn't happen often, but, it does happen. Our system does fail us. It puts people away and lets them go on judgment. We decide, as a society, who is guilty and who is not. There is no other way for our system to work. I understand tht, I even appreciate that we have the chance to stand and defend ourselves in front of a group of our peers. Sadly however, because we are judged by people, convicted and defended by people, we are left open for interpretation. Interpretation of the law, of our motives, of our emotions. I know that I have flat out told judges that I am not fit to sit on a jury because all three times I've been called up for jury duty, it has been domestic violence cases. I know I could not be partial and fair, but some people, especially in high profile cases, >want< to be on those jurys, they want to see everything front and center, and they allow this to convince themselves that they can be fair, when sometimes, they just can't. Interpretation of the law is probably the hardest for me to swallow. Our laws mean different things to different people. It depends on if you're background. Rich people may not be as forgiving of a person who stole money or food and say that they needed it to take care of their families. Poorer people may not be as forgiving of someone who has cheated on their taxes.

Then yes, their are those odd cases where two consenting people have sex and one is convicted of sexual assault, sexual abuse, or sometimes even rape, because one of them is younger then 18. I have a friend who's husband is a loving, attentive, hard working, loyal husband and great father. He was found guilty of sexual abuse for making a smart ass comment about the chest size of someone he knew. They were words. Maybe not appropriate, which he owned up to, but, bad enough to be convicted and placed on the a Sex Offender list? They live in a fairly small town and she has suffered through hell because of this. There are also stupid laws, as was pointed out in my comments. My state is one of those were it is illegal to have oral sex. I mean, come on folks, if I want to suck my husband's dick, isn't that my own damn business as long as I am not exposing others to it? Why is someone labled as a Sex Offender if they go streaking?

These things make no sense to me. This is the problem damnit. We have so many ways to look at things, interpretation. They are too many loopholes in our system. Bad people get off, good people go to jail, it's crazy.

I do not feel that any criminal has any rights to privacy. I believe that they give up all rights to privacy when they commit their crimes. I do not feel sadness, or pity for them. Buffalo made a good point and it brings up the question of "When does it stop?" when do we say enough is enough? Is it one death? Two deaths? Do you have to compare yourself to Ted Bundy or John Wayne Gacey? How many more people have to die? How many children are destroyed emotionally for the sick satisfaction of others?


Whew, not done yet, hope your still with me here. I have to get ready for work, so, tomorrow I will work on yet another post on this subject, it is something that is eating at me, gnawing on my heart. I really want to get my thoughts and emotions out there about this. I will address it from my "parent view" tomorrow. Keep the great comments coming.

Sex Offender Register

This is a great idea. This should be federal law in my opinion. Every person who offends should be held responsible and forced to register. That information in turn, should be availible to the public.

Oh I know, almost half the states have this thanks to Parents for Megan's Law .

If you don't know this story, you should. A bright beautiful little girl was kidnapped, raped, and murdered by a convicted sex offender. She was seven years old. She lived in New Jersey. Across the street from her a predator lay in wait. Watching her, striking when the time was right for him. Her name was Megan Nicole Kanka.

Now, as great as it is that they have passed these laws in 22 states, that means that 28 states do not have this. The state I live in, does have one, but, it doesn't list the county I live in.

I wish I could believe that this means my county is free of these predators, but it doesn't. It simply means that the database hasn't been updated yet.

In Iowa, the state I live in, another story is made public. Jetseta Gage. A ten year old girl who had her whole life in front of her, was molested by her mother's boyfriend. I don't know all the details about how the molestation came out, but, they did report that this had been taking place for nearly 3 years.

The man has a record. He's done this before. He is arrested, all is wonderful right? Justice will be served.

No, you see, the man has a brother, and, the mother, took him in as her "friend". This man, who, also has a record might I add, kidnapped, raped, and then killed this beautiful child.

Now, they are saying that they might drop the case against his brother. For one, they say he has the right to face his accuser. Two, the only witness in the case can not testify.

This is probably one of the worst cases of gross misjustice I've ever heard. For those of you who are supporting the dropping of this case because of point number one, let me tell you something. Very seldom to they make 10 year old girls go in and stare into the face of a man who's been molesting her for 3 years. If they child >does< go in, it is their choice. They usually do a life feed from another room.

For point number two, I pray that they also charge him with accessory to murder. Maybe he ordered the hit, maybe he didn't, but it is clear to anyone that he was the cause of this little girl's death.

I fear however that I am straying from my subject. You see, both these men were on convicted once before. They were on the Sex Offender Registery lists. The mother says she didn't know this because she didn't have a computer to check the facts.

Now, I might have sympathized for the first boyfriend. These men are predators, they know how to lull you into a false sense of security, but why the hell would you, put your child, into the path of a man who's brother is facing charges for molesting your child?

This mother faces no charges.

I am so full of anger for this little girl. I am horrified that no one stepped in to protect her.

I read so many stories, I've met so many women, and even a few men, I myself have been down this road and it sickens me. When will it stop? When will we ever feel it to be safe for our children?

But, is a registry the answer? What about those who commited the act 20 years ago and served their time and haven't reoffended? What about their rights? Do criminals have rights? They are still people too aren't they? When do their rights end and the victims rights kick in? The right to go to school safely? The right to play in their front yard safely? The right to sleep in their own beds safely?

So many questions, and I am going to come back to this, but, for now, I am heading for work. Thanks for all the well wishes to get better. I am feeling somewhat better and I appreciate all the love.