Being Alone VS Feeling Lonely

I am hardly ever alone.

I have three kids and a husband, and I spend alot of my time online in a chat room with people I've known for years. People I love and adore.

I feel horribly lonely though.

I feel like a third wheel in anything that is done or said.

I feel like an outsider.

Maybe it is my bi-polar sneaking up on me. I don't know. I have so many things going through my mind, my emotions are on a rollar coaster.

I feel disconnected.

Like a broken toy discarded on the floor. Forgotten. Abandoned.

The rational part of me tells me this isn't true. All those that I love in my life are still here for me, but I can't stop the way I >feel< about it.

I want to cry, I want to scream. I have to stay strong.

I'm tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong for me. I'm tired of doing the math in my head and trying to figure out how everything is going to be all right.

I'm angry.

I'm hurt.

I feel betrayed.

My whole family has been suffering from the flu and it's nearly impossible to tell where the sickness ends and where it begins anymore. Coughing over here, throwing up over there.

Nothing that I was supposed to do has gotten done.

Chris and I have been fighting like crazy because I can't articulate my thoughts and feelings properly.

Everything he says and does makes me feel bad. Even if that stupid rational part of me tells me I'm over reacting.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Take last night for example. We decided to go to bed. He goes in to the bedroom, I stop at the bathroom. When I come in I start to remove my clothes, he says "Put on something nice for me" which, in my fucked up twisted mind translated into "You are not sexy enough as you are, you are fat and ugly" and I wanted to cry. I didn't want to make love anymore. I ask him, because surely that isn't how it meant it. He snaps at me. Which, translated to me "Get your ass over here and fuck me because that is what is important"

I climb into bed and he reaches over and clicks the telivision off, which, translated to me to be "I can't stand to make love to you with the lights on. I don't want to see your fat ass"

I take a few deep breaths and wrap my arms around him, whispering softly into his ear "Just hold me, for a minute please"

He of course, starts rubbing my back, my ass, and towards my breasts while nuzzling and kissing my neck.

To me that translated to "I don't feel like just holding you, I'm ready to fuck, even if you're not"

I started to cry at this point and he stops, asks me what the hell is going on. I don't tell him all these little translations, because honestly, it wasn't so clear to me last night. I just explained I needed him to hold me. He said he was. We went over how his idea of "holding me" was very different then mine at the moment.

A few more misunderstandings and we were on our way. Of course, making love was beautiful as always and, I had an orgasm with him on top, which, happens maybe once a year or so.

Afterwards, I wanted to be held, to be cuddled and loved and cherished. All I got was "That took the last of my energy" just before he dozed off.

I barely slept all night, wondering where things had went so wrong. Am I not the women he wants me to be? Have I failed somehow? Have I gotten too fat?

I am so insecure about myself right now that I can't stand it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just take what is said at face value and leave it at that? Why is everything a battle?

I am so sick of this.

This morning, in my chat room. There were a couple of things said. Of course, somewhere, I read them all wrong and I got upset and I left.

It made Chris angry.

My friends were angry.

Even when you are surrounded by people you love, you can feel utterly alone.

Marriage

If you haven't read the most recent post at "According to Dan" you should.

I am but one person, so, my view is mine alone, but this is something I feel very passionate about.

When I married Chris, I had been through hell. Not only my childhood, but my first marriage as well.

I was the first woman he had ever been in a long term relationship with.

Things were not easy in the beginning.

He felt he had to provide money and material things.

He worked two jobs and I worked as well.

I was hurt and bitter because I felt he was avoiding me.

He felt unappreciated.

He wanted to bring me home roses and take me to dinner at nice places.

I wanted him brought home safely and be taken to our room for a few hours of peacefullness together.

It took us both a while before we were able to talk about things.

How much simplier our life has become since we did that. See, I do not need new fancy things, or expensive dates. I need to know that he loves me, that he finds me sexy and desires me. I want to spend time talking, playing games, and just being a part of each other's lives.

He wanted to know that what he was doing was making me happy.

I have to agree with Temptation. She said that "Men are relativly simple creatures (no offence intended, i simply mean in terms of their wants in life)."
To make Chris happy I need to remain faithful, take care of his children and home, and give him the love and respect that he deserves. That's it, that's all he asks of me.

There are times when we goof off and play around, we wrestle with one another and with our kids. Never though, never would I hit him in an attempt to gain control over him. That is simply not my place, it is wrong, I wont' do it.

I expect him to honor me the same way.

Neither of us are punching bags for the other.

So many times I see other women who give their husband's "the look" or a "warning smack" while out in public and I see the shame washing over their faces and the anger as they try to keep their calm in public.

Why do they do that? Because they are taught that women are independant and strong. Yes, that is true, but do we have to fight our basic natures? To love and nurture? To nest and build a home?

I don't think that we do.

As far back as man's exsistance reaches, women have been the homemakers, the caretakers. I do not believe this to be because it is something that is taught to you. It is in our primal urges. It is what makes us women. We can not change the fact that our bodies provide our babies with the milk they need as infants. It is the way it is. So plain and simple.

Time however, has changed that for us. I am grateful to have the right to vote, to work, to own property if I should so choose. But I also want to feel as if I have the right to choose to stay at home, raise my kids, dote on my husband, and not have people tell me that I am anti-feminism.
What good are all those rights if other women are simply going to go around telling me that I'm wrong for my choices?

Marriage is a give and take. It isn't 50/50 like some people think. It is 100/100. Each person has to be willing to give 100% of themselves to the other.

Sometimes it means giving, sometimes it means taking, most of the time, it means compromising.

I am proud to be Chris' wife. The very thought of it, even six years later, fills me with a joy that I can't properly put into words.

I hear alot of women complaining about how they wish their husband's did this, or did that, and I always wonder how much >they< are doing in their relationship.

Why is it always assumed to be the man's responsibility to be romantic? To take out the trash? To play catch with the boys?

A guy that I know very little, recently told me that he wants to move to another town and his girlfriend refuses to consider it and he doesn't understand why. I asked him why he wanted to move and why she didn't. He wants to move so that he doesn't have to drive so far to get to work (the commute takes two hours a day) She doesn't want to move because all of her family is here. He asked what I would do.

I would explain to Chris why I didn't want to move. Then I would trust him to make the best decision for us.

I did do this, I moved 26 hours away from my family to a strange city, a strange life, with strange new in-laws.

It was the best thing we could have done for our family.

Maybe this post won't make sense. Maybe how I view marriage doesn't make sense. But for us, it's what works and we are both happy with that. It's all anyone can ask for.

A Miracle

I have always known that the birth of a child is a miracle. I have three of my own to remind me.

Watching one come into the world is. . . so different.

At 2:25 pm today, Damien Xavier came into the world weighing in at 6lbs and 14oz and 19 1/4 inches long.

Sounds like an average baby, but, considering my smallest was 7lbs and 8oz he looked so tiny to me.

As I stood there watching, holding on to the mother to be, counting with her, encouraging her to push, I saw his head slip through and heard the doctors tell her to stop pushing.

I stared down at his tiny little face, his skin still blue from no oxygen, and willed him to breath, to open his eyes, to do something.

I know it couldn't have taken long because before his feet were completely out, we heard his first cry. It seemed to take forever to me.

Of course, the birth overshadowed the labor process, not only for me, but for her as well.

I looked in on my own children when I arrived home and I thanked the Lord that I have them.

For me, it is the ultimate gift.

Mixed Emotions

Well, it is official. I have no job.

I asked him what the "official reason" was. He gave me a bunch of crap and in the end, refused to answer me when I told him to just come out and say it. Told me to call the head office. I think I will.

On the other hand.

Tomorrow I will be heading out very early in the morning to help my cousin in law deliver her baby. I am so excited.

I have had three of my own, and I have five neices and nine nephews and yet, have never >seen< a baby born.

I am very excited.

Did I mention that?

I will let you all know as soon as I get home how it all went.

So, I have this terrible thing happening, and this wonderful thing happening.

For right now, I'm going to focus on the positive.

Wish us luck.

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

Let me start by assuring everyone that, no matter what I feel like I need at the moment. Chris would never harm me in this way.

What I feel I need is based on raw emotion of the moment.

What he feels I need is based on knowing me, knowing my reactions to specific circumstances, knowing what is safe for me and knowing what I can handle emotionaly and physically.

These are not things I could handle he says. I have to believe he is right. It does not stop the fact that I feel worthless.

I need the pain in my body to stop the pain in my mind, in my heart.

If he uses me, then I know that I am worth >something<.

I don't feel that way right now.

We have not made love, or had sex of any kind since this all started.

My mind tells me it is because we are so worn out and stressed.

He has held me gently every night.

He feels this is what I need.

He knows what is best for me. It is why I have placed my complete and utter trust in him to help me take care of my well being.

I am still depressed. I am still feeling very worthless. I feel as if I have failed my family and I am grasping out for things to hold on to.

I am strong though and I know that with him by my side we will make it through it. I just have to fight my way out of the darkness before I can post positive things again. It seems like two steps foward and three steps back.

Needs

I need him to make me feel pain.

I need him to take my nipples and twist and pinch them.

I need him to make me bend over and use the belt on me.

I need him to slap my face.

I need him to pull my hair.

I need him to call me his whore.

I need him to fuck me and then throw me to the ground discarded.

I need him to punish me.

I need him hurt me, in every single way possible.

I don't deserve his love. I don't deserve anyone's love. I need him to stop the pain inside of me. I need him to treat me as worthless as I really am.

The Rat Wins

I can't even begin to explain my emotions right now, so I'll just give the facts.

Most of you know of my struggles with the Rat. Just as I have people in my corner, so does he.

But, per our respective personalities, the people we choose to aline ourselves with are very much like us.

The people in my corner are honest, hard working, friendly and loyal.

The people in his corner are much like him, decietful, lazy, rude and will stab you in the back without a second thought.

Perhaps I would have done better to align myself with them.

I arrived at work tonight, ready to go to work. Fifteen minutes early. I check the communication board, as I always do and I see that there is a new schedule posted. I am a bit confused because I don't see my name on it, but, I chalk it up to the fact that I am a manager and they must be going on corperates schedule seeing how I don't see any other manager names either.

I turn around and lo and behold there's the Boss. I ask him about it and he asks me to come into his office. I do. He waits for one of the other girls to come in, which isn't unusual, and he starts off with "There was an incident"

I immediatly think of the other night when I had a go around with an employee because she wanted me to stay up at the desk instead of doing what I was supposed to.

I remain quiet and he continues.

"There was a night where someone from the restraunt asked you if you had a reciept for the food you had and you couldn't produce one. I hate to say it, but my hands are tied. I think we are going to have to part ways"

I'm stunned. I stare at him for what seems like forever and there is a buzzing in the back of my mind. I want to tell him to fuck off, but, the bottom line of it is that I need this job. I need to be able to provide for my family"

Somehow I finally find my voice "What are you talking about? I don't even get a chance to defend myself?"

"Well, unless you have a reciept, there is nothing I can do"

Now, mind you, he still hasn't told me what I stole, or when I stole it, just, that I stole food. FOOD of all fucking things.

"I normally don't keep every single reciept Roger, check my card, I use my card for everything"

"It's been well documented, I can't do anything"

"What exactly am I being accused of taking?"

"Something from the bakery table I think" I fight to recall the last days I worked, considering I was off for two days.

"Here it is, carrot cake" he looks back up at me and I have to resist the urge to laugh. I know in the back of my mind that it is simply a reaction from the stress, but, after two fucking years of living at this fucking place, they are going to fire me because a restraunt person said I didn't pay for FUCKING CARROT CAKE?!

"At the very least I have to suspend you without pay until I have a chance to investigate this further"

"How long is that going to take?"

"I'll know tomorrow"

"Does that mean you'll call me or what?"

"Yeah, I'll look into it and call you tomorrow"

So, I thank him for his time and leave.

As soon as the cold air hits my face I realize how stupid it was of me to say thank you. Old habits are a bitch.

Then I get the joy of coming home and breaking it to Chris.

Saying he was pissed is an understatment. Every aspect of our lives has suffered because of the demands of this job. I worked 20 straight hours one weekend because no one else could be found and when I tried to call the Boss about it, I was told to handle it because that's what he pays me for.

I have the reciept.

I will take it in.

It won't change anything though. Even if he does have to keep me on because I have the reciept, he is going to find a reason to get rid of me. Maybe because I am so outspoken. Maybe because I've questioned his authority, I don't know.

What fucking kills me though is that this is the doing of the Rat, and he will be forever smug for getting me fired. He said it a thousand times if he said it once, he would get my job.

He can fucking have it.

I hope he fucking dies.