Let me start by assuring everyone that, no matter what I feel like I need at the moment. Chris would never harm me in this way.
What I feel I need is based on raw emotion of the moment.
What he feels I need is based on knowing me, knowing my reactions to specific circumstances, knowing what is safe for me and knowing what I can handle emotionaly and physically.
These are not things I could handle he says. I have to believe he is right. It does not stop the fact that I feel worthless.
I need the pain in my body to stop the pain in my mind, in my heart.
If he uses me, then I know that I am worth >something<.
I don't feel that way right now.
We have not made love, or had sex of any kind since this all started.
My mind tells me it is because we are so worn out and stressed.
He has held me gently every night.
He feels this is what I need.
He knows what is best for me. It is why I have placed my complete and utter trust in him to help me take care of my well being.
I am still depressed. I am still feeling very worthless. I feel as if I have failed my family and I am grasping out for things to hold on to.
I am strong though and I know that with him by my side we will make it through it. I just have to fight my way out of the darkness before I can post positive things again. It seems like two steps foward and three steps back.
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