Lies

I am still struggling not to lose myself in darkness. I can feel it creeping up on me like nightfall. My heart begins to beat hard in my chest and I look around to see if anyone has noticed the beads of sweat breaking out on my forehead. I struggle to catch my breath and my mind screams for my hands to stop shaking.

I want my children home and they will not leave until the 6th. I miss them terribly. They are my life. Yes, I do have Chris. But at the heart and soul of me, I am a mother. I live and breath for my children and I feel so helpless with all that is happening.

I don't have time to go into all of it, but it comes down to lies. I feel like every adult that I have trusted my children to, my mother, my brothers, my ex, all of them are fucking liars. I hear one story from one and then another one of them tells me that it isn't true. The entire foundation of my world feels like it has been knocked off kilter. I feel like it is spinning in crazy circles and all I can do is hold on for dear life or I'll be flung off and go sailing into space.

Why do people have to lie? How is it that you can say that you love someone and then turn around and lie, not once, not twice, but over and over.

I should have known better. My mother has been lieing to me my whole fucking life. When I was eight years old and the truth came out about my grandfather molesting me, there was a huge investigation. Then my little world went silent. I hated being at home.

I remember going to a friends house and staying for three days. Yes, I was eight years old. I told her parents that my mom and dad had went on vacation and forgotten me. Talk about Home Alone. They asked me for my phone number and I changed one of the numbers so that my parents couldn't be reached. I did not want to go home.

Now, mind you. I knew then that it was wrong. I know now that it was wrong. No where in my mind did I ever try to make it "right". But I was too afraid to go home.

When I did go home. There was no whipping. No grounding. No nothing. I waited for days for the axe to fall and after a while I just accepted that this is the way it was going to be.

My mom even came in one night and told me that we were going to go to Denver to visit family and see the amusment park. I was so excited. With much careful deliberation I picked out my outfits for the trip. I got my walkman and tapes ready to go and we left early the next morning. I slept most of the 8 hour trip and when we arrived, my mother pulled us over to a gas station and used the phone. My dad yelled at my brothers and me to stop fighting, but, my older brother wouldn't give back my tapes and we were going at it full swing when my mother got back into the car and gave my Dad an address and told him that we needed to meet my uncle at work.

The fighting continued.

We pulled up in our old station wagon. I had never seen where my uncle worked and this place looked ominous. The shadows fell over what few windows there were and I climbed out of the car, grateful for a chance to stretch my legs. My mother told me to get my bag so we could put it in my uncles car and make more room for us kids, so I grabbed my bag and followed my mother inside. The sign said BPI. With some big words I didn't understand on it.

The inside was stark white. The walls, the floors, it seemed like everything was white. It made the pea green couch stand out like a neon light and I felt a shiver run down my spine and I glanced toward the door wishing that my Dad would hurry up.

My mom shook hands with a woman in a nurse's uniform and spoke so quietly I couldn't even hear her. I knew she was asking for my uncle. I clutched my bag to me tighter.

They led us down a hallway and as we stepped through the door I couldn't help but notice the way the door locked shut behind us. The nurse stopped, looked at my mother and nodded. My mother turned to me and said "Nikki, I have to go now, you're going to stay here for a while, so they can find out what's wrong with you."

I turned my confused gaze up to her and I recall asking her "What's wrong with me?" and she said "Yes, Nikki, this is a Psychiatric Hosptial, you can't tell lies about people, you can't say the things you did about your grandfather unless they are true, and we both know that it never happened. You are very very sick to imagine that kind of thing"

My mind brought backt he sign "Boulder Psychiatric Insititute"

I could feel my heart contracting and tears welling up in my eyes. I was speechless as she backed through the door and my mind screamed at me to run, to get out while I could, but I was frozen to the spot and after she was sure I wasn't going to scream and cry and rush the door as she stepped through, she turned and walked away from me.

The sound of the door clicking shut and locking behind her was like thunder in my ears.

My parents, my brothers, they did go on to vacation and visit the amusment park. For me, my life began a journey that would lead me to where I am today.

I still hate the sound of automatic locking doors and white hallways.

Lies however, I hate those the most.

Downward Spiral

Well, I suppose nothing ever lasts, at least in the life of a bi-polar. I tend to find that I have serious depressant episodes when I get my period. I started yesterday.

I miss my kids.

My job is boring to the point where I hate to go.

I am getting old and I live in low income housing.

I want to provide more for my kids then I had and I'm failing.

I will miss my son's birthday.

I miss hearing them laugh.

My stomach hurts.

I feel as if there is no end in sight to the sadness and despair. I have no right to talk. Perhaps it is because my friend has informed me that the reason they can't have kids is because of him. He says it could be cancer, or an infection, or something else, but whatever it is, has to do with him.

The thought that it might be cancer is horrifying. I love this man. As much as I do my own husband. He has been there for me over the last six years. I have bared my heart and soul to him and not only are we still friends, but he loves me for it. I refuse, at the moment, to even contemplate that it is something this horrible.

The second and most pressing part of this tragedy is that this man would make an awsome father. Now mind you, you might think I'm crazier then hell, but, we have never met in real life, but, I know this man well enough that by mutual agreeance, Chris and I have requested that he be the Godfather to our children. That's right. If we both die, our children will not go to our families, they will go to this man that we've never met. Why? Because he has shown more love and support to not only me, but to Chris and our children in the last six years then anyone outside of this house. He has watched them grow, he has laughed and cried with us, he has talked me through the worst things that my kids have been through. He is thoughtful and insightful, he works hard, he loves fiercely and has been more loyal than I ever felt I deserved.

It is a tragidy that so many women can come and go spitting out children along the way to be abandoned. They have no regard for the lives of their own children, yet, people like this man who has every thing in the world to offer a child, including huge amounts of love, are robbed of this chance. I want to weep for him. I want to scream about the unfairness of it all.

I wanted to write about the journey that my daughter took but I think I will save that for tomarrow, right now I am too drained to do much more than this.

Please forgive me if I haven't posted comments on your blogs. I am reading them each night when I return home from work, but I simply do not have the energy to type much. Please know that I am still here and with you all.

Mistress Slave

My breath catches as momentary confusion washes over me. I feel closed in on all sides and in the darkness the only thing I am aware of is a warm body on either side of me. I force my eyes open and inhale quickly and their scents mix in the midnight air bringing back a rush of memories, the taste, the feel, the pleasure.

She moves slightly and I am brought back to the present and I smile softly as I feel her roll over I feel the length of her back pressed against mine, her skin as silky soft as , if not a bit cooler then I remembered.

Slowly I turn over, cringing as she stirs and holding my breath, it’ll never do to have her awaken before I am ready. She settles with the sigh of one who is content in dreamland and I let my breath out carefully before I continue.

My arm snakes out to wrap around her waist. I can feel the moisture between my legs and white heat begins to build in my belly. The entire room smells of our hours of sex and one would think I would be exhausted, but I seem to have a hunger that was only tasted upon.

The flat of my hand runs along her stomach and up towards her breasts to her nipples and my mouth hungers for the taste of them. Gently I rub my open palm on their suppleness and even in her sleep her body arcs up slightly to press into my hand. I curl my fingers around the hardening buds and gently tug on them, bringing them to hard peaks and eliciting a soft moan from her.

Behind me I can feel him roll over, his hand mimicking mine as it wraps around me. I press my ass back into his groin and already I can feel his hardness pressing into my backside. He shifts once more and simply by his breathing I know he is no longer asleep, yet, not quite awake and I shiver slightly as his hand slides along the length of my hip, his breath caressing my shoulder as he decorates it with soft whispery kisses, like the wings of a butterfly on my skin.

For only a moment do my fingers pause in their quest, squeezing and rolling the hard nipples in between my finger and thumb. Her hand moves up and she lays it open handed on the back of my own. She doesn’t try to guide it, she just wants to feel my hands touching her, I am more then happy to take her along with me on the journey, over one extended nipple to the other and back, teasing and tugging on them. The urge to taste her is overwhelming and I dip my head forward enough to lick her shoulder, leaving a wet trail back and forth to her neck. Her head turns slightly and my lips move up to meet hers. Soft and gentle the kisses are between us. No demanding, no begging, simply two women exploring each other’s mouth. It is warm as mine covers hers, her tongue dancing with mine in slow circles.

His direction shifts and suddenly he is tugging hard on my nipples, my own hands tighten in response and her and I let out a collective moan. His hard cock presses into my backside further and I can feel the juices within me beginning to trickle down the inside of my leg.

“Your such a little whore” his breath washes over my ear as he speaks, darting his tongue along the sensitive spot he knows I love to have licked. “I want to watch you eat her pussy, I want to see her writhing beneath you and begging to cum”

Her hand tightens in anticipation on top of mine and we reluctantly break the beautiful kiss we have been wrapped in. I know it isn’t necessary but I can’t resist whispering “You have heard the Master, it is time for me to taste you”

She rolls onto her back with eagerness and I can hear him laugh. His hand withdraws from my taut nipples and as I begin to get shift to my knees his hand comes down hard on my ass.

“She looks bored whore, I want to see you please her”

All three of us know damn well she doesn’t look bored, she looks like the cat that ate the canary. She knows that for tonight, I will be her slave, and that knowledge brings a slight smile to her face and her eyes go beyond my shoulder and I know they are looking at one another.

Like me, she is normally the slave, only this time, our Masters have decided it is time for her to demand what she wants, out loud, with words. I know that this alone is hard for her. She is used to taking orders, definitely not giving them. Knowing how it will humiliate her to ask sends another bolt of electricity from my stomach to my pussy and I lay my length on top of hers.

Her body is perfect in my opinion. Her breasts are large and voluptuous with nipples that are large and dark. I can feel them pressing against mine and I smile down at her shy expression. The moonlight filtering in through the open windows gives me plenty of light to see by and makes her eyes sparkle.

I feel his hand slap my ass again and I press myself against her even harder. I know she can feel the heat of my pussy pressing against her and fire flares in her eyes. Much like the fabled creatures of the night my lips part as I dip my head towards her neck to take a mouthful of her satiny skin. It is free and clear of any hair below her neck and I know this because I was ordered to shave her last night. Much as she lays now, she laid before me as I lathered her body up and slowly ran the razor along every inch of her skin.

I travel down her body, the rain of spankings falling on my ass like the steady beating of a drum. It seems to match the pace of my heart as I take one nipple between my lips and suckle. Her hips buck up and I slide my hand down between us and lay it flat against her hairless pussy, so different from mine with it’s soft hair.

“Is she biting them the way you like?” his words are like a caress all in themselves and she shakes her head slightly. “Command her, command your whore to do it as you like”

My eyes shift up to watch her face and I can see the shame spreading over her face and my heart swells. I love her, as only a woman can love another, and I want to please her like no other woman has but my orders were to wait for her to ask and so I shall. I almost whimper as she shakes her head no, an outright refusal.

For her, this would earn a spanking from her Master, perhaps even a lashing with the belt. But for this night, it was not to be so, for her punishment would now become mine. Had she known this, I am sure she would have found it in her to utter the words, but, as slaves, we are only told what our Masters feel we need to know and they had deemed it unnecessary to tell her this.

The bed rocked slightly as he climbed out. My entire body tensed as I heard the zipper of a bag. I knew that her Master had sent along a set of toys, but, again, it was not needed for me to know what was in them.
The whistling in the air was the only sound I heard before I felt the fire exploded over my ass and I couldn’t help but jerk forward from the pain. A whip of some kind, though I knew better then to turn around and look. Red and white dots appeared before my eyes and blurred my vision as I looked to her with a pleading expression. The next blow fell before I could catch my breath.

“My my little whore, your ass does mark up nicely with this.” He brought it down again, like an artist making a painting, the whip like implement his paint and my ass the canvass” Two more strokes and he paused, his cool fingers running over the hot welts that had popped up where he had struck me. Somewhere I became aware of the fact that my fingers had curled up tightly against her pussy and she was bucking up against them.

“For each refusal, she will get five lashes with this, do you understand me Mistress Slave?” For tonight, that was her name, mine, I was only to be addressed as whore, or cunt, or bitch, whichever name suited them. He, as always, was to be addressed as Master. “Each time you question or protest, she will also receive a punishment”

“I can’t” she replies in a helpless whisper and once more my body tightens up as I brace for the blow of the whip. I hold my breath in anticipation but instead of the rain of the whip I feel his fingers drifting down the small of my back and into the crack of my ass. Out of instinct it tightens up and my eyes widen, he has never touched me there and I can feel something cool and slick on his finger. Without warning, something cold and hard replaces his fingers and I whimper, trying to be brave, trying not move, I feel the butt plug begin to invade me. It is fairly slender to start with but I can feel it getting bigger. It works it in and out of me only a bit, trying to work it past the ring of my ass, twisting and turning it to lube me properly.

“I warned you” his soft words carry over the darkness and are cut off by whimper as he presses hard one last time and I feel it pop past the ring of my ass and settle deep inside me. It stretches me completely and I feel utterly full and I struggle not to push it back out. “If it comes out before I take it out, you will learn about true pain whore, Mistress Slave, are you ready command the whore to bite your nipples?”

Even though every sense of my body is on high alert I can barely hear her as she speaks “Bite them” the words rush out of her mouth and I clamp my teeth down on her nipple and pull my head back. The nipple caught between my teeth and my hand pressed down on her pussy. I can hear everything, even her soft moan of pleasure, I can smell everything, including her desire, and I can feel everything around me, even the air tantalizing my skin simply by just being there.

I lift my head up, pulling her nipple with my teeth until I am sure I can no longer safely pull and I shake my head side to side slowly, watching the creamy flesh of her tits bounce back and forth. I am mesmerized and I smile as I let go suddenly and watch it drop back down into place. I can see on her skin where my teeth have marked her and I moved to the other nipple to repeat this process.

I shift my fingers and slide two of them into her pussy. The warm wetness wrapping around my hand like a velvet glove and I wiggle them back and forth, going in separate directions with each one. The butt plug in my ass returning to my mind as he slips his fingers down to feel the heat radiating from my own pussy.

“Your little whore likes this Mistress Slave, don’t you whore, tell your Mistress how much you like it”

“I love feeling your body Mistress” I am not allowed to call her slave, that is for Master only, least she forget her place. “ I love feeling your wet pussy around my fingers and tasting your nipples. May I lick your pretty pussy please? May I Mistress?”

I can feel her body tighten in response to my words, clamping down around my fingers in a vise like grip and a pang of jealousy washes over me, for the first time ever, I wish I could be a man, to see what it would be like to have this beautiful woman thrust up to meet my every movement and watch her body wiggle underneath mine in pleasure.

This time I never even hear the sound of air being shifted before I feel the pain. This is different, this is not a whip, it is more like a wooden paddle, it is large and flat and the next four swats come in rapid succession, stealing my breath from me and causing tears to spring into my eyes. I feel his finger pressing hard against the butt plug, as if knowing it might slip out without conscious thought to hold it in.

“Yes! Yes whore, lick me, lick my pussy like the whore you are”

I tremble at her words, though, from relief that the punishment will stop, or from the desire to taste her again undecided. I eagerly shift down and nibble her skin on my way, over her stomach and off to her sides, causing her to shift as my lips tickle her, over to her hips as my teeth nick at her.

Eagerly I slide down and inhale her scent. The sleek folds of her bald pussy glisten with her juices and without removing my fingers I gently lick along the outer folds to clean her juices off of her. I know that not all of her juices are hers, her Master made sure to fill her up before sending her over and the thrill of tasting both of them makes my heart pound and my clit throb.

Even as I become aware of the throbbing, I can feel him reach underneath me to flick it with his fingers, causing it to swell even more. He settles in behind me and I can feel his hardness pressing against me, a wet stickiness from where he has rubbed his pre cum on me. His large hands move over my ass cheeks caressing them and I know he is watching me lick her so I tip my head a bit to give him a better view.

“That is as far as you can lick her until she asks, do you understand this whore?” I nod my head and mutter my answer against her skin “Yes Master”

My lips and tongue continue their gentle assault, my fingers dancing deep inside her, stroking her back and forth. Her fingers slink down to grab a hold of my red curls as she attempts to get me to go further.

I feel him pressing his hard cock against the moist opening of my cunt and I try to press back, but his hands on my ass pushes me forward and tips my ass up. Already my body feels fuller then ever with the butt plug still inside and I can only pray he pulls it out, but my silent prayers go unanswered and I moan against her wetness as he eases himself inside me.

Bright colors swirl in circles buzzing above my head, for a ridicules thought that there were fireflies in the room, struggling to breath as I feel myself stretch around me.

He pulls out and presses in with agonizing slowness and I continue to lick her outer lips up and down slowly, moving from one side to other, dragging the tip of my tongue against her swollen clit, my fingers wiggling inside her, digging high up inside her as I search for her g-spot.

His hand smacks down hard against my ass. Lighting pain shooting through the areas where the whip had left it’s mark. The second one lands and it feels nearly twice has hard as the last one and I whimper as I feel the tears gathering in my eyes.

“Tell your whore what you want Mistress Slave, tell her how you want her to lick your pussy so she can do it right”

The third and fourth blows rain down in quick movements even as he continues to push in and withdraw leisurely, I can feel my own orgasm building deep inside me.

“Please…” her voice trails off in hesitation, even as her hands try to force my head down slightly, not with much difficulty do I refuse her pitiful plea.

“Come now Mistress Slave, tell her how you really want it, command her, make her do what pleases you” His words are punctuated by the blows of his open hand falling on my ass and the tears run unheeded down my face, the shame, the humiliation, my own impending orgasm. I struggle through it all, trying to hold myself back, knowing I am not allowed to cum without permission, yet so full and so excited by the entire scene.

His thrust begin to pick up speed and he uses his hands to pull my ass apart, spreading me even further and my hips rock back and forth to meet him. I feel a soft stinging sensation across my face, very light at first, and then a second. It takes me a moment to realize that not only is my Mistress speaking to me, but I am not following her orders.

“Lick inside me you dirty bitch, lick inside me and make me cum”

The words are an aphrodisiac and without further promting I bury my face deeper, my tongue swirling around my fingers, teasing and taunting her clit with the pointed end of my tongue with ravishing the rest of her inside with my fingers, adding a third simply for good measures.

I feel her fingers tighten in my hair, forcing my mouth onto her clit. His movements create a harmony. He thrusts and slaps, I move forward, my teeth nip at her clit and he pulls back, forcing her clit out of my mouth before repeating the process over and over again.

I would like to say that she screamed my name, or that she screamed at all, but her orgasm was rather silent as she simply lifted her hips and pressed down on my head, her knees tightly clasped around my face as I struggled to stay upright, as I feel my own orgasm hovering and I beg even as she cums into my mouth.

“Please Master, Please may your whore cum?”

A few more deeped thrusts and his hands squeeze tightly against my hips as he pushes inside me until it feels like he is cumming into my belly. I feel the heat of his juices squirting inside me and I shake tremendously with the effort of waiting.

His hand reaches down and pinches my clit roughly. “Come for me whore, come for your Mistress and Master” and without another thought I do. The waves breaking over me time and time again, sending hot white blasts all throughout my body.

I collapse on top of her and she runs her fingers through my hair lovingly as he pulls both the butt plug and his cock out of me, leaving me a bit relieved, but, feeling empty in a way.

I return to the position I was in when I awoke, he watches us from the edge of the bed. Her warm hand wraps itself around mine and I smile up at him.

He leans down and his smile is so worth it and the emptiness fades as he whispers “My good girls, sleep now, for there will be more to come tomorrow”





*A note just to clarify, It *is* a fantasy. A few of my other stories were not clarified and I regreted it later, and I was asked alot about the woman I have a crush on, but I will not reveal her name. This story was written with her in mind and she knows who she is.

Freaks

Copy this entire list into your blog/journal.
BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.


I am bi-sexual.
My spouse or lover is aware of my orientation.
My spouse or lover has watched me have sex with someone of my gender.*
I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for my spouse or lover while on the phone.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on. (once upon a time)
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.(What the FUCK?)
I like having my nipples squeezed during sex.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.*
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.(no more then sex that isn't interracial)
I have had interracial sex with someone of my gender.
I want my spouse or lover to have an interracial sex experience.
I want to watch my spouse or lover have an interracial sex experience.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I have had sex with someone from my place of employment.
I have had sex with a former co-worker of my gender.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships. (have been in the past)
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.*
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover. (IN THE PAST)
I stopped during this list to have sex.


I think that everyone else is freaky and I'm normal. I'm seeing alot more bold print than I am regular. Oh well, now that this is over, I think I'll go get some.

Moments In Life

There are moments in your life where you can look back and see that one single event changed your life irrevocably. Something that was so profound that you know that there is no going back, no recovering from it. I have had several such moments in my life. It seems, as I begin to get older, they become linked with one another like a circle. Never ending. Never knowing where one begins and the other ends. Let me explain.

For those of you who have followed me for a while know the story of my sister. Beautiful, smart, charismatic, full of life. Melody Joy was her name and it fit her well. She had the voice of an angel and brought joy to everyone in her life. She had three beautiful children. Sadly, her life was cut short by a domestic violence dispute. I will not go into all the details in the post, if you want to read them, you can check the archives. The basics of it are that it was an abusive, jealous husband, combined with drugs and alcohol, and the gun she bought to protect herself that ended her life.

When my uncle was a young man, around 17 or so, he went hunting with his best friend. They laid the guns against a fence so they could climb over. My uncles gun did not have the safety on and when it hit the ground, it discharged and shot his best friend. He held him in his arms as the young man died, my uncle screamed for help and no one came. They found him the next day, still holding onto his best friend.

Growing up, I had a lot of cousins, there were 27 of us grandkids. There were some that I was closer to than others however. One of them, Julie, was only a year older then me and we were very close. At the age of 12, I went to visit her where she lived with her mother. We had a great time and I got to meet her boyfriend. We became instant friends and I also fell in love with his mother. She was the kind of mother I had always wanted and for about two years after I had left to go back to the hell of foster and group homes, she would write to me and tell me about the things happening in their lives. One day I got the call that Billy (her son who was my cousins boyfriend) had been involved in an accident. It seems that he went to collect his younger brother from a friends house for dinner and when he went in, he found the two boys playing with a gun. The home they were visiting was a police officers and it was his duty weapon. Billy demanded the weapon and his brother just laughed at him and waved the gun some more. Billy, afraid for everyone’s safety, moved to take the gun and a struggle ensued, it ended up with Billy shot point blank in the chest. He did not survive. The younger brother had believed that what he had in his hand was a toy gun.

These are stories that most people read about in the news every once in a while. This has happened to three people in my life that I know and love. The losses were devastating.

The most recent of these however, was the loss of my sister. This led me to one of the most critical decisions in my life. In a day and age where you can get toy guns of any kind, I made the decision that none of my children would be allowed to play with guns. No water guns, no cap guns, no pretend rifles, not even a silly string gun.

A bit harsh you say? A woman who doesn’t think anyone has the right to have a gun? No, I believe everyone has the right to choose weather to arm themselves with guns or not. It is a constitutional right and who am I to say that is wrong. I grew up with guns. I can shoot and clean guns with the best of them. No joke, I was 20 years old before I knew you had to have a license to hunt because my grandfather took us hunting year round. This was not just hunting for sport. We lived in Colorado and we hunted deer, elk, rabbits, pheasants, ducks and other various animals, but we also ate everything that we shot and killed. So, just so that I am clear on my stance, I believe that everyone has the right to choose.

My choice has been not to allow it. A lot of people do not understand this. A lot of people, even people in my life, have felt that by not teaching them how to handle guns properly, that I am tempting them to seek it on their own, thus putting them into further danger. I do not agree. This is why. A few years back, when Chris and I first got together, we took the children to the park. We did this on a regular basis, so, pretty normal. What made this so different was that as Chris and I got settled down on the grass with a blanket both the children came running straight for us at breakneck speed. “There’s a gun by the swings Mommy, there’s a gun by the swings” Neither of them touched it, they simply came to us and told us, which is something we had taught them to do. Now, mind you, when we inspected the gun, it was a toy gun. No harm no foul. It did however, look exactly and I do mean exactly like a revolver. We had to pick it up to tell the difference.

I am droning now aren’t I? There is a point to all of this.

You see, my brother called me to ask if he could take the children camping. I had some serious reservations about him doing this because he is not a very responsible adult. I asked who all would be going. He said him and four kids. I said no. He said okay.

Then he went and told my mother that it was okay by me, that I said he could take them. That was so not true. But, because he told her that I said he could, she allowed him to take my 12 year old daughter and my 8 year old son camping.

My mother was upset because when my brother “came back” from camping, he drove the children straight over to my ex’s house, which, was not the plan. It left the youngest son with my mother for the 4th of July when they are too old for fireworks.

So, all day I call my ex. Getting madder and madder by the minute that I can’t get a hold of them. Around 4pm on the 4th they finally call me. Seems that my ex and his wife went with my ex and my ex told me that my brother got up way before the others and left the camping area with just him and his two boys. Left my kids with my ex, not to mention all of MY camping gear that he borrowed.

So, this would make most people feel better, but not me. You see, my ex and my brother were very close during our marriage. My brother was only 13 when we got married and he lived with us for most of our married lives. I know first hand that the two of them like to get together and drink.

So, to keep the peace and explain it to my mom I give her a call back. It is at this time that she tells me that my brother told my dad he had to come back early because his shoulder was sore from shooting.

….

“Shooting what?” is my shocked response.

“A shotgun Nikki, they took a shotgun with them”

Of course, I blew my freaking top. I was screaming so loud the neighbors could hear me I’m sure.

One might think this would be the worst of it, but oh no. You see, I hung up with my mother and called my ex back, I didn’t even talk to him, I demanded to speak to my daughter.

I struggled to keep my voice calm “So, did you have fun camping?” I’m sure by now she thought I was crazy, we had just had this conversation. “Yes mommy, it was fun” after a long pause I decided to just come out with it “I heard Uncle J took a gun” I tried to keep my voice casual, calm, cool and collected. I don’t think I did such a great job because her voice became small as she said “He did Mom, and, Mom, I’m not supposed to tell you, but, he showed me how to shoot it”

No joke, I felt like the floor fell out from beneath me, even Chris could see something was very wrong and he jumped to his feet and grabbed me, forcing me to sit down. I could only stare up at his eyes and blink as I tried to get my bearings and think of what to say. The adrenaline in me was pumping so fast and hard I could see Chris lips moving but I didn’t hear anything. He shook me once really good and the concern in his face brought my words out “They let her shoot a gun”

“What about JJ?” I blink at Chris’ words and repeat the question to my daughter who gives me an emphatic “NO” and goes on to tell me that he was sleeping. I later find out that while SHE was sleeping, they did allow him to shoot the gun.

Of course, I go off on my ex. He admits they were drinking while doing all of this. So, not only have they broken my cardinal rule, they broke the second rule too?!

I have a FREAKING COURT ORDER that says no one is allowed to drink in front of my children. I did this to protect them from shit like this, from their alcoholic father.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM?!

I tried to be calm, really I did. Listening to their fucking pathetic excuses just pissed me off. He stammered some dumb shit about how sorry he was, how I was right, how he should have asked me.

I am heartbroken over this. I feel very betrayed by my brother. The one person all my life I’ve been able to count on and he let me down in such a major way. They took my children out in the middle of no where, got drunk, handed them guns, shot guns while drunk, told my children to lie to me.

I can’t even begin to describe all the damage they’ve done. I’ve spent years teaching my children to not even touch guns, now they will throw everything I told them out the window because hey, they got to shoot guns and no one got hurt, so, why shouldn’t they, they “learned how to handle guns”.

Now, if my perverted brother puts his hands on my daughter or son and tells them not to tell, they are going to think that is the right thing to do. Not to tell. I am so fucking furious, I have no words. I am going to post this and maybe I’ll come back to it in a few days.