My mind is jumble. I have so many things floating around. It is hard for me to think or focus on one thing at a time. I just want to cry. I just want to rage. I just want to sleep. I just want to laugh. I just want to be.
Every day I have sat down and tried to write something, but the words always get stuck. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and let my fingers dance over the keyboard as the memories come, and I tried even that. When I went to proof read it was like I was reading someone else's life. I feel so disconnected from it, yet it is very much in the front of my mind.
Music has always been something that is very important to me. I don't play an instrument anymore, haven't for a long time. I sing, but it's the sort of singing you do when no one is around to hear you, in the shower, in the car, or sometimes with my kids as we are goofing around.
There are certain songs that trigger specific events in my mind. "Round Here" was the song that was playing when my youngest child was born. Every time that I hear it my mind drifts there and I am filled with a peaceful feeling.
TW: Abuse/SA/Language/Suicide/Death A place to put down my thoughts about my past and current place to deal with my trauma and healing.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Anger and Pain
I am angry. I am in pain. Physical pain and emotional pain. I want to cry and cry until I am all cried out.
I am tired of hearing people around me talk. I want them to shut up. All they ever do is argue with me anyway. Even my husband felt the need to attack me today.
Why? Because I complain too much. I asked him to help me with the boy since he has this new program he wants me to do with him. I know he doesn't feel well but neither do I and really I needed his support. He sent the boy to bed and then yelled at me about how I need to stop engaging him all the time. I do this because I need someone to listen to me, not to fix it. Now I feel more alone then ever. I will keep my complaints to myself. I will be the person who does it all. I will be as perfect as I can be. Sadly, I know I will fail.
I have failed at being a wife. I have failed about being a mother and grandmother and daughter and sister and every other role I've played in my life. I am an epic failure.
I have dark ugly thoughts about hurting myself. Yes I am in counseling and yes I have told my counselor. I am just too tired to even put more of my thoughts down but I'm guessing that without being able to share with my husband I will be coming here a lot more.
I am tired of hearing people around me talk. I want them to shut up. All they ever do is argue with me anyway. Even my husband felt the need to attack me today.
Why? Because I complain too much. I asked him to help me with the boy since he has this new program he wants me to do with him. I know he doesn't feel well but neither do I and really I needed his support. He sent the boy to bed and then yelled at me about how I need to stop engaging him all the time. I do this because I need someone to listen to me, not to fix it. Now I feel more alone then ever. I will keep my complaints to myself. I will be the person who does it all. I will be as perfect as I can be. Sadly, I know I will fail.
I have failed at being a wife. I have failed about being a mother and grandmother and daughter and sister and every other role I've played in my life. I am an epic failure.
I have dark ugly thoughts about hurting myself. Yes I am in counseling and yes I have told my counselor. I am just too tired to even put more of my thoughts down but I'm guessing that without being able to share with my husband I will be coming here a lot more.
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