Wallowing In Love

I don't have a ton of time but I wanted to take a few minutes to let ya'll know what what was going on in my life.

My cousin arrived after having a breakdown of her vehicle that she fixed herself with a bit of help from a gentleman who worked at the place she broke down in.

Not two hours after she alerted her family to where she was she recieved a call saying that her two boys were in a roll over car accident. They are all right physically but the oldest is in a bit of legal trouble over it as he was driving 60 in a 35 zone, he was under the influence of marijuana, and he wasn't even driving his own vehicle.

His father is still going to leave him alone there and go to Montana as he had planned to do before. I am furious over this but there is nothing I can do and frankly, I am too tired of the situation to give a damn what he does.

My cousin on the other hand has contacted the company she works for and asked for a transfer. She has contacted the store managers and is waiting for the paperwork to be recieved by the store here so she can start here.

While I was at work, Chris took her to pick up the divorce papers. She has asked me to help her fill them out so we will do that tomarrow while we are waiting at the college for Chris to finish his test for this week.

When I came home from work tonight my house smelled like heaven. Chris served my dinner hot and fresh off the stove. He had made steaks with baby portebello mushrooms, corn on the cob, and fresh cut watermelon for desert. I felt like a princess. The house was cleaned and my cousin was doing up the dishes. (This is the girl who's house could go three weeks without having dishes done up!)

We've been doing alot of talking about what works for us to keep the house cleaned and what doesn't. She is very anxious and excited to get out of our house and into her own place. I am so excited for her because I am seeing so many changes in this beautiful woman that I adore.

All my life, she has been there for me. Maybe soon I will go more into our relationship. She is the closest thing that I have to a sister. Seeing her brought all of that back and I can't even describe the feeling I got when I wrapped her arms around me and burried my face into her long beautiful hair. It was like stepping into the only part of my past that was good and pure. It was as if I could smell the mountains on her and I felt the tears rolling down my face and I felt her shoulders shake and knew that she too was affected by the distance that had been forced on us for the last several years.

She called her brother and sister and they both came down on her for leaving. Although they both had to admit that they wouldn't let her stay with them because they had no room. She was great, told them all in a very calm, very collected voice that she was sorry she had hurt them but leaving was something she had to do for herself. It has been great having her here and I am so excited about the future ahead of us.

I am wrapped in love by two very special people right now and I am refusing to allow myself to do anything but enjoy it.

Here I Go Again

There is a song that has a huge meaning in my life. It is “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake. Now, this isn’t particularly me on a literal level. No, this song’s meaning goes beyond that, almost to an unbelievable point.

It is an song from the 80’s which I love. However, this means that it isn’t played terribly often on the radio. Let me tell you, when I do hear it, it forewarns me. As kooky and crazy as that sounds it is the truth.

You see, this took me a while to realize. It was subtle at first. Once I realized it, I was shocked at how I could miss it in the first place.

Every single time I have ever heard that song, a rather large change has come into my life. I heard it days before each of my kids were born. I heard it the day that Chris and I got married. I heard it shortly before we made the decision to move halfway across the country.

Now, all of this is told with a purpose in mind. Two days ago I received a call from my cousin. The only cousin I have that I have kept in contact with over the years. Oh yes, I do keep tabs on most of them, but, normally it is stuff I hear through the momvine. This cousin however, has been a huge support for me. Through all of the tragedies in my life she was there to hold my hand and love me without judgment. She never put up with any of my bullshit and called the shots like she sees them. Much like me.

Now this woman married her childhood sweetheart. He is someone whose parents were friends with our parents. They have now been married almost 19 years. For some time her life has been in chaos. She has two children whom are 17 and almost 16. I won’t go into the injustices her oldest boy has inflicted on her, but I will give you an idea by telling you that days after she had surgery he flopped down on top of her as she rested on the couch and broke a couple of her ribs.

For years she has begged me to move closer. I have always hesitated because I simply wouldn’t put up with the shit the men in her life put her through. I would end up in jail the first time her son raised his hand to her in front of me. My consolation was that her husband was always a decent man. He works hard and makes good money. However, their marriage has been in trouble for a number of years. He wants more sex; she is too sick many times. Her illnesses also make it hard for her to feel up to doing any kind of housework and so it often falls to the side. One would assume that her husband and children would jump in and help her but let me tell you this is not the case. Their dishes can sit for weeks at a time before she finally goes in and spends two days doing them. Of course, this aggravates her illnesses and leaves her down for days at a time, during which things begin to pile up once more. It is a never ending vicious cycle for her.

So, two days ago, I return home from work to a message telling me that she has suspected for some time that he is going to leave her. At first I was skeptical. Until I spoke to him. Until the evidence was presented to me. She did confront him and confirmed that he was indeed planning on leaving. In less than a weeks time. These plans have been in the works since December, yet, he never said a word to her.

Now your thinking she’d probably be better off without him. I will agree with that. The problem is that he is leaving her in a trailer house that she hates. He is going to take her two boys from her. Which is probably for the best but still hurtful. They have a boat, a camper, the trailer, 19 years worth of stuff, as well as 4 non running vehicles. He had planned on taking his final paycheck and leaving her without anything to even make the July payment with.

I offered him a couple of solutions. Give it two months and I would try to counsel her long distance and see if that helped. He refused saying that long distance would be too hard for me to be of any help. I offered to let him come up and stay with us if he really felt he needed some distance. He said he would have to bring the boys, which I refused to do because I’d just kick the shit out of his oldest boy and yeah, if he ever raised a hand to me, Chris would make sure it would be the last time he ever raised a hand to anyone. Chris dominates me but in no way does he abuse me or condone the abuse of anyone. Therefore that option was out. The last option I gave him was for him to send her up to me. I explained that it would be good for her to see me (we haven’t seen each other in almost 7 years).

When he shot that option down I realized that it was not about getting away. I began to question him further, I questioned her. I have now come to the conclusion that he is having an online affair with a friend of his sister’s. The big move was supposed to be to Montana where they both live. How convenient huh? Oh, well, you might be thinking he would just like to be near his family. He hates his family. He only gets along with his twin brother who lives in Kentucky and for those of you who might be geographically challenged like me, that is no where freaking near Montana.

In light of all of this, I told her directly that she would be welcome to come stay with us and we would help her get on her feet. This offer did not come from me but from Chris. I will explain in a later post why this was such a big deal to me. It meant the world for him to offer this.

Back to the song. On Thursday she called and said she had made the decision to come up here. She was walking away from all of it before he could saddle her with all of the problems. I had to agree that this would be best because it will be easier for him and the two boys to take care of everything rather just one little her.

On the way to work after talking to her the song began to play. I had to smile. Until the song stopped midway through it. I stared at the radio and had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew right then that she had changed her mind. I had already promised Chris that I wouldn’t push her to come her, I would simply support what she had decided. No matter how hard it would be.

Sure enough, Friday came along and she called to tell me that he was going to stay long enough to help her get everything in order. I knew it was bull. He was just keeping her there so that he didn’t have to deal with it. As promised however, I let it go and accepted her decision.

Yesterday, on my way to work again, the song came on. This time it played in it’s entirety. I wondered about it all day at work. The decision came down that I would have today off even though I was supposed to work. When I arrived home I found out that she had called and spoken with Chris. She said took half the money out of their bank and told him she was on her way. I called the number she had left and confirmed that she was indeed on her way.

“Here I Go Again”

I do not know how often I will be able to post here while she is here. My family is not aware of my D/s lifestyle and I would prefer that it stayed that way. She will have a job when she arrives as she has arranged for a transfer with her company to here. We thought she would have a car but she called me only a few hours ago to tell me that her fuel pump went out on her car.

Please say lots of prayers for her to arrive safely. Thank all of you for all the love and support you’ve given me, hopefully I will still be able to post on a semi-regular basis.

Guilt

Guilt is a very strange emotion. It is something that one feels on their own. It isn't something that some one else can >make< you feel.

I am feeling alot of guilt and helplessness lately. Oh, not over the thing with Chris. I have been told that it is over, and I am to be done with it. Surprisingly that helped. No No this is more.

I feel guilty because someone I love very deeply is slipping away from me. Maybe not so much slipping as being pushed. Maybe this person is simply tired of dealing with my shit. I am emotional baggage at best and at my worst I'm a full-blown bitch. This person has stuck with me for more years than I can count even though we've never met in real life. I think this person has finally reached the end of the rope and I cannot do anything to change it. I want to. Oh, how I want to. I am so terrified of being hurt again that I just don't know how. How do I protect my heart and still be open and honest? This is what was asked of me. Somehow though I feel that this isn't really what the person wanted. This person has closed themselves off to me and I feel like I am standing in the bottom of the Grand Canyon staring up wondering how to scale the dam that's been put between us. I feel as though I have to do something, but I have no idea what and it is just festering inside me. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate the feeling I have. The more this person pulls back the more I withdraw into myself. Maybe this person is pulling back because they have finally seen something they don't like. Maybe this person is asking themselves what they ever saw in me in the first place.

So here I am, full of guilt. Guilty of letting things get this bad. Guilt at not being able to make this person see what they mean to me. Guilt because I know this person is having their own issues and I've made everything about me. Guilt because I don't know how to fix it.

On top of the guilt is an overwhelming sadness. There is too much going on in my life now. Everywhere I turn I am fighting uphill battles and I'm tired. I am weary of fighting other people's battles. I am tired of banging my head against the wall. I am tired of loving people who don't love me back.

What Bear Are You?

I guess the truth can not be hidden.


I found this little link over at Angel's Adventures and decided to try it. I had no clue what kind of "bears" they had but this just cracked me up to no end. 

Moving Sucks

Well, this is the second time I've started this, blogspot chose to eat it the last time I did it.

>eyes blogspot threateningly<

So, adventures in moving. Where to start. Perhaps at the beginning. Maybe at the pre-beginning.

As everyone knows, my kids were scheduled to leave on Sunday. Instead of doing that, the ex-husband and his wife decided to get a hotel room here in town and leave "early" Monday morning.

So, Sunday night Chris and I stayed up late figuring that we didn't have anything big to do on Monday. No kids to wake up with, I had the day off, Chris had spent Sunday evening doing up the week's assignments. I think we finally went to bed around 4am.

Well, 8am comes pretty fast when you have only been in bed for four hours and I bitched under my breath as I stumbled out of bed to answer the insistent ringing of the telephone.

Imagine my surprise when it was my ex-husband (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice here?) I answer the phone with a tired hello, and I listen to him rant and rave about how I didn't pack the boys any long pants or their jackets. I feel the need to point out that it is summer, and they won't need long pants or jackets. He says they want to take them camping in the mountains and it will be colder up there. Well, hello? How the hell am I supposed to know that they are going to do this? So, I tell him to bring the kids on by and let them pick their stuff up.

I hang up and by now Chris is up and he's glaring at me. I ask him what's wrong and he insists that nothing is wrong. I know there is, but I also know that when he gets like that the best thing that I can do is leave him alone until he's ready to talk to me about it.

The kids arrive and begin by telling me what fun they had in the hotel room. I tease my ex-husband about the fact that he only had the children on his own for three hours before he called me up complaining that the children wouldn't mind.

Now, let me add in here that during the time it took them to call and the time they actually arrived, Chris and I had begun to play an online game together. I of course, pretty much set the game aside when the kids arrived.

I was in no hurry to see them go. I guess it's a mother thing. Chris however, got upset that I had blown off our game and that I didn't get up to get the kids their stuff. He shut off the game completely and headed off to the bedroom. I followed him and he was clearly angry. With a fresh round of tears and another set of goodbyes, the children were off.

The confrontation between Chris and I started. I think he was an ass while the kids were there, he thought I was selfish by allowing them to come back in the first place. He points out that when we said our goodbyes the night before he was the one who had to comfort me. He is the one who wasn't able to be upset because he felt he had to be strong for both of us. Saying goodbye again wasn't fair. I ask him what I could have done. He points out that my ex-husband should have been told to buy the required items himself, as we have to do when the children need something (trust me, we call the ex-husband for NOTHING). I had to agree, but, at the same time I refuse to give in because I am simply a stubborn bitch like that.

Off in a sulk I go. When I get mad at Chris, I clean house. I do this until about 12pm when the phone rings again. I answer it and lo and behold it is the apartment manager. I am thrilled because she had told us that the apartment would be ready this weekend, so, I am expecting to hear something along the lines of "Well, the apartment will be ready Thursday or Friday so start packing". Instead, I get "The apartment is ready now and if you don't move in today, you will give up the three bedrooms for good, we will take you off the list" So, I tell Chris and while he's not happy, we agree that we can get it done in three days. I go back to the phone, and she says "Oh, and, you have only 24 hours to get moved" I ask her why, she gives me some bullshit song and dance about how the rules have changed. Now, HUD has been doing low-income housing for YEARS and suddenly, we are the first people affected by a new change in rules? Come on, I wasn't fucking born yesterday. She asks if we still want it, I ask her what other options we have; she says we can give up the three bedrooms. Well, you see, that is really not an option for us, we have one girl and two boys and we’ve been on this waiting list for three damn years.

So, Chris heads over to get the keys to the new apartment and I begin to call everyone I know. Family, church friends, other friends. Everyone I can think of. Chris returns without the keys because she has gone to lunch. How convenient for her huh?

Well, people begin to arrive, and we begin to pack. Did I mention that we had no boxes? Yeah, there was that too. Thankfully my sister-in-law brought about a dozen or so boxes.

Chris heads back over to the office and comes back once more without the keys. He says that she won’t give us the keys until 2pm. Not only that, but, when he asked her if that meant we had until 2pm the next day she replied with “No, you have to turn your keys in by 8am or you will be evicted” WHAT THE FUCK? He points out to her that isn’t 24 hours, she says “It’s like 24 hours” Anyone else seeing her logic here because I sure as hell didn’t.

So, we box up what few boxes we have. The plan is to take the boxes into whatever room they belong in and dump them out so we can use them again. Great in theory, not so good in practice. Especially when you are not around to tell people where those things go.

2pm rolls around so this time Chris and I both head over to the office. She didn’t mention that there was a mountain of paperwork to do. At just a few minutes till three we are done, but we don’t get the keys until we do the pre-inspection. Okay fine.

The tiled floors are stained. The downstairs carpets are stained. They didn’t paint a wall. The kitchen drawers still have left over garbage in them from the previous tenants. The doors don’t want to lock properly (she assured us they were “brand new locks” Chris pointed out that they were not brand new locks and she says “well we replaced the ones that were here with ones from another apartment”) The garbage disposal doesn’t work. There are chicken bones under the kitchen sink. The doorways are all dented and there are large dents in the wall. There are no doors on the closets.

Don’t laugh, but this is just the downstairs portion. Upstairs the carpets are in the same condition, the only closet with a door is the one in the master bedroom. The linen closet in the hallway has no door! The light switch in the bathroom is busted. The doors upstairs are all written on. The doorknob on one of the bedrooms won’t work. Best of all, the rooms that the children are going to be in, smell like a litter box. I point it out to her. She tells me it must be the stuff they cleaned the carpet with. I stare in horror at her. I ask her if they are using cat urine to clean carpets with. Yes, I know, it was a snippy response but stop insulting my fucking intelligence. Of course, I make her write all this down on the sheet she has. She keeps saying she is sorry. I am not placated. They pushed us out of our old apartment without even having the new one ready.

I won’t go into all the horrible details of the move. I will highlight a few things for you. Chris threw his knee out early on and refused to take anything for it. We were only halfway done by 11pm when all of our help left. We worked until 7:45 am before we were finally done.

Just a note. Moving SUCKS!

24 Hours From Hell

Well it seems I will not be allowed to wallow in my sadness. We have just gotten word that our apartment is ready. We have till 8am to get everything moved or we give up our three bedroom. I can't rant about the injustice of this right now, but we may be without our internet for a bit while we get services transfered. Be well all and know I will miss you and be thinking of you. I apologize if I have not answered your email or comments in the last two days for I do not have time to do so now.

Saying Goodbye

I kissed and hugged my children goodbye today.

I am sad.

Many Thanks

I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and well wishes you all sent to me while I was feeling so down.

While things are not exactly where they should be in my head, I am in a better space and it is getting better everyday. Soon I will find my light again and be able to smile and laugh. Chris has been amazing during this time and I have all of you to thank for giving me a place to rant and rave and cry.

Soon we will be moving into a three bedroom apartment. We have been waiting for this for three years and now it has finally come to fruitation.

Also, my children are leaving this weekend for an amazing summer with my family and my ex-husband. I am looking forward to this time alone with Chris but I am also very nervous about having all of my children away from me. I know I will miss them terribly. My consolation is that they do not know we are moving and it is going to be alot of fun to get their rooms all decorated while they are gone.

So, I may not post for a couple of days, but do not worry, I haven't gone off the deep end. I will return and while I am gone, I will miss all of you terribly.

I could use every word in the dictonary and still not have enough words to tell you how much love I feel from all of you. Many of you said you didn't have the words, but, you did. I understood that finally I am not alone and that in itself is very empowering. YOU all gave me that. YOU made me feel as if I am not boxed in in my grief. Again, no words will be able to say thank you enough or even come close to explaining how I feel.

Dear Melody

My dear, beautiful sister. It is nearing 4am and I am wondering what I am doing awake. No, actually, I know exactly what it is that keeps me from sleeping right now. Keeps me from being curled up against the man I love. The man who loves me.

It is the pain of losing you. It seems only like yesterday when in fact it has been 17 long years to the day.

Did you know that your daughter got married yesterday? I am sorry I wasn't able to be there to see it. I'm sure you did though. You and Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Pearl. I'm sure you all held hands and stood there watching as she promised her love to the man of her dreams.

Was she as beautiful as you were on your wedding day? I remember your wedding day you know. I remember how beautiful you looked and how you smiled as you danced with us kids.

Oh God Melody, when will the pain in my heart stop. When will the tears dry up and my hands stop shaking when I think of you? Will the anger ever go away? Will it ever be okay? Will the guilt I live with day after day ever subside? Why you? Why did it have to be you.

I know I am a horrible person for saying this, but why couldn't it have been someone else's sister? I only had you. You were the only sister I had. It's so unfair. I want to scream. I want to tear things up. I want to hurt him.

It is hard for me now to recall exactly what you look like. Oh I remember from the pictures. When I think of you, it is always snapshots. I have forgotten your voice. I only know that it was beatiful and that you made me feel loved.

Twelve years. That is all I had with you. I hate him, oh how strong the hate is right now.

I FUCKING HATE YOU JIM! DO YOU HEAR ME? I FUCKING HATE YOU! DIE! DIE! YOU FUCKING MURDERING BASTARD!

My heart feels as if it will never heal. It is a wound, open and seeping, infected with years of hate and sorrow.

Melody Joy, that is your name. A song, happiness. It is what you brought to our lives. Somedays I fear I will never have it again, not fully.

17 fucking years and I can't let you go. People tell me it is time to move on. To let you rest. I can't though, I can't let you rest, I can't forget. I'm terrified of losing you. The dreams, even the nightmares, as much as I hate them, I don't want to give them up either. They are you, it is when I see you.

Please forgive me if I have somehow kept you here. Forgive me if I am too weak to let you go. Forgive me if I am not the person you wanted me to be. I know I am supposed to forgive and forget, but, it is beyond me. Maybe a better person can but I can't. Please forgive me for not being able to forgive him.

Please, please forgive me sister. I love you too much. Each day I miss you. I miss you so bad that sometimes I think I would be better off coming to you.

I often hear how much courage I have, how strong I am. But I'm not. I am too much of a coward to end my own life. Afraid of what it will do to the people I love. I am not strong. I am weeping like a baby in the middle of the night with only my writings to comfort me.

Maybe I don't want to be comforted. Maybe that is why I snuck out of bed instead of waking up Chris. He will hold me and tell me it is going to be all right. I don't want it to be all right. It will never be all right. For 17 years I have lived with the horror of your death. I have felt it like a weight upon my heart, my soul.

Were you watching when Chris and I got married? Did you see the rose we put in the boquet in your honor? A single rose admist all the lilies. Only for you, so that I could feel as if you were with me.

What kind of mother do you think I am? Would you be proud of me? What kind of advice would you give me? Would you be the one to dye the grey out of my hair? Would you be the one I would call in the middle of the night if I had to go the hospital? Would you be the one to laugh as I let the kids give me a makeover?

I hate the questions. I hate them. It makes me long for you so badly. I stare at your picture and I see the beauty that was never mine, and I can't even feel an ounce of jealousy. You were never vain. You never saw how beautiful you were. You were just you.

You were just you and damnit, I want you back.

Why can't you come home?

One of our own.

Many years ago, I was pregnant. That pregnancy, for whatever reason, was not meant to be. I miscarried my twins and even today my heart aches for that loss. I do however, look at my children and I feel the love, and blessings they bring to my life each day.

That said let me tell you that none of my children have had a serious illness before. I do not know how I would cope with it.

Such is the case of Kat. A fellow blogger who is known for her compassion for others, her honesty and her amazing ability to be there for others.

Lately she has been delt a serious of blows. One of them financial, the other, more severe, was the diognosis of her son. He has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Better known as ALL.

This little boy and his mother need us. They need all the love and support we can give to them. It was suggested by one of her regular readers and then passed onto us via blogland, that maybe we can help them.

Kat has been out of work and now, her phone was disconnected and she is without internet, which is her support line, it doesn't look like she will be going back to work anytime soon because of traveling and seeking treatment for her son. I want to make sure that I'm clear on the fact that she has not asked anyone for money. She has not asked anyone for anything, that's the way Kat is.

So, I'm going to do what she would never do and step up to the plate and ask my regular readers to go to her site and learn her story. Her heartache is so clear and tangible it becomes the heartache of all of us.

If you can afford it, please send her a little something. It doesn't have to be much, just a couple of dollars could help. Maybe she could take Brad out for ice cream with the five dollars you can afford to send.

If you want to help, here's how to do it.

1. Go to www.paypal.com
2. Login if you have a paypal account. If not, create one for yourself.
3. Click on Send Money at the top
4. Follow the instructions.

Her email address is katriana.delucean@gmail.com. That's all the information of hers that you'll need. She hasn't registered for a paypal account (yet) and it will say that. Don't sweat that, i'm sure she'll set it up once she can get online long enough to do so. The cash won't go anywhere in the meantime.

Again, if you can help financially, that’s great. If not, please visit her blog at http://kats_surrender.blogspot.com/ and at least let her know you are thinking of her. Let her know she isn’t alone in all of this.

Together we can see her and her son through this horribly trying time for them, even if it is something as simple as spreading her story so that others can pray for them and help them if possible.

I know first hand the power of love and prayers. My readers have shown me so much compassion and as much as I appreciate it and am grateful for it, I know that Kat and her son need it more then I do right now. So let’s show her what we can do!

Have you ever?

Just something fun before I jet off to work.

Have you ever?

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star
( ) been to any other countries besides Canada
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(x) skinny dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) seen a therapist
( ) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
(x) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans
( ) been to Europe
(x) slept with a co-worker
(x) been married
(x) gotten divorced
(x) had children
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) been to US
( ) been to Mexico
( ) been to India
(x) been on a plane
( ) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten sushi
( ) been skiing/snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
(x) lost a child
(x) gone to college/university
( ) graduated college/university
(x) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) been intimate with someone of the same gender

I am also not going to tag anyone although I would be very much interested in seeing the answers if you do post this.