My dear, beautiful sister. It is nearing 4am and I am wondering what I am doing awake. No, actually, I know exactly what it is that keeps me from sleeping right now. Keeps me from being curled up against the man I love. The man who loves me.
It is the pain of losing you. It seems only like yesterday when in fact it has been 17 long years to the day.
Did you know that your daughter got married yesterday? I am sorry I wasn't able to be there to see it. I'm sure you did though. You and Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Pearl. I'm sure you all held hands and stood there watching as she promised her love to the man of her dreams.
Was she as beautiful as you were on your wedding day? I remember your wedding day you know. I remember how beautiful you looked and how you smiled as you danced with us kids.
Oh God Melody, when will the pain in my heart stop. When will the tears dry up and my hands stop shaking when I think of you? Will the anger ever go away? Will it ever be okay? Will the guilt I live with day after day ever subside? Why you? Why did it have to be you.
I know I am a horrible person for saying this, but why couldn't it have been someone else's sister? I only had you. You were the only sister I had. It's so unfair. I want to scream. I want to tear things up. I want to hurt him.
It is hard for me now to recall exactly what you look like. Oh I remember from the pictures. When I think of you, it is always snapshots. I have forgotten your voice. I only know that it was beatiful and that you made me feel loved.
Twelve years. That is all I had with you. I hate him, oh how strong the hate is right now.
I FUCKING HATE YOU JIM! DO YOU HEAR ME? I FUCKING HATE YOU! DIE! DIE! YOU FUCKING MURDERING BASTARD!
My heart feels as if it will never heal. It is a wound, open and seeping, infected with years of hate and sorrow.
Melody Joy, that is your name. A song, happiness. It is what you brought to our lives. Somedays I fear I will never have it again, not fully.
17 fucking years and I can't let you go. People tell me it is time to move on. To let you rest. I can't though, I can't let you rest, I can't forget. I'm terrified of losing you. The dreams, even the nightmares, as much as I hate them, I don't want to give them up either. They are you, it is when I see you.
Please forgive me if I have somehow kept you here. Forgive me if I am too weak to let you go. Forgive me if I am not the person you wanted me to be. I know I am supposed to forgive and forget, but, it is beyond me. Maybe a better person can but I can't. Please forgive me for not being able to forgive him.
Please, please forgive me sister. I love you too much. Each day I miss you. I miss you so bad that sometimes I think I would be better off coming to you.
I often hear how much courage I have, how strong I am. But I'm not. I am too much of a coward to end my own life. Afraid of what it will do to the people I love. I am not strong. I am weeping like a baby in the middle of the night with only my writings to comfort me.
Maybe I don't want to be comforted. Maybe that is why I snuck out of bed instead of waking up Chris. He will hold me and tell me it is going to be all right. I don't want it to be all right. It will never be all right. For 17 years I have lived with the horror of your death. I have felt it like a weight upon my heart, my soul.
Were you watching when Chris and I got married? Did you see the rose we put in the boquet in your honor? A single rose admist all the lilies. Only for you, so that I could feel as if you were with me.
What kind of mother do you think I am? Would you be proud of me? What kind of advice would you give me? Would you be the one to dye the grey out of my hair? Would you be the one I would call in the middle of the night if I had to go the hospital? Would you be the one to laugh as I let the kids give me a makeover?
I hate the questions. I hate them. It makes me long for you so badly. I stare at your picture and I see the beauty that was never mine, and I can't even feel an ounce of jealousy. You were never vain. You never saw how beautiful you were. You were just you.
You were just you and damnit, I want you back.
Why can't you come home?
2 comments:
Nikki honey i wish i could be there to give you a big hug. I'm sitting here crying and i find it hard to think of the words that might help you find some kind of peace. Please know that you are loved by many and trust me your sister is very proud of you just like all of us here in blogville are. You are one hell of a girl. Hugggggggggggs
I apologise in advance if there is anything offensive in this comment. It is intended to be useful.
I have no idea how your sister died; but one thing I do know: if you want release from your grief, you will have to do plenty of forgiveness. Including the one you apparently hold responsible for her death.
I know about this because I have had to forgive myself for the deaths of my first two children, which was due to my carelessness.
Forgiveness is ALWAYS essential in order to move forward. There is absolutely no use in holding resentment towards anyone on the face of the earth.
Many have responded saying they wish they could lift the burden for you. Now I am telling you, the burden can be lifted - by your forgiveness. Try it - you'll be free.
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