Every day I read the "Ann Landers" column in the paper. Yes I know she passed away, but, I still call it that because I can't be bothered learning the names of the women who took over. I find the delima's of people to be A) something I can relate to, B) interesting, or C) so amusing that I actually have to laugh out loud. I like the ones, where people make "advice lists" so, I decided I would write my own letter to Ann Landers.
Dear Substitute Ann Landers,
I see you print alot of "do and don't lists". Thought I would include mine in that little group. This is a list of do's and don't's for people who are visiting my truck stop.
1. Don't tell me how to do my job, most of you are truckers, not managers.
2. This is my place of employment, not your house, pick up after your own damn self.
3. I don't care what the other store does, I'm telling you how it's done at mine. Shut up.
4. Stop saying "typical service for this place". We are a busy store, get over, or go somewhere else.
5. When you see the sign saying "local checks only", don't try to convince me you've written checks here before when you are obviously not local.
6. Never ever, go into a place, with only one way to pay for your stuff, unless it's cash.
7. Follow your mother's advice. If you can't say anything nice. Shut up.
8. I am not your "sweetheart", "suger", " darling", "dear", "love" or any of the other stupid names you make up to call me. I have a name, and it's right here on my damn badge. Learn to read.
9. If you are from another country, please learn how to give me your company name, your truck number, tell me how you will be paying, and, if need be, your plate number.
10. If you can't do #9, don't get pissed if I ask you the same thing several times, it annoys the hell out of me too.
11. That really cool toy that is on display that says "press me". Don't press it unless you really think you might buy it. I listen to that fucker at least 30 times in an hour, and at a minute long for each little demonstration, means I listen to it for half an hour, and sell one a week.
12. Don't ask me to go get things for you, if you are not going to buy them.
13. Have your money ready. Don't make me wait while you dig out change. If you can drive a truck, you should be able to add and know what your spending.
14. If I ask you for information, it's because I need it, not because I want it. Just give me the damn answers.
15. Don't stand in front of me to "fix" your money in your wallet.
16. Don't try to run a credit card you know is maxxed out.
17. I am a hell of a fast cashier. I can ring up 70 people in an hour. The reason you wait so long in my line, is because the person in front of does one or more of the others listed here.
18. See the ring on my finger? Means I'm married. No I don't want to have dinner with you, no I don't want to have your children, no I don't want to go fuck in your truck. Get bent.
19. When I ask for your drivers liscense, give me the damn thing, I need the information on it, because I can tell you, looking at your face in person is alot less painful then that picture.
20. STOP STEALING!
21. PAY FOR YOUR GAS!
22. Don't yell at me, call me a bitch, whore, or cunt. I will get nasty.
23. Whoever told you "The customer is always right" lied. I will get in your face if you get in mine.
24. If I tell you I'm not selling you tobacco or alchohol, don't tell me I can't refuse. I can, I will, I did. Fuck off.
25. Seriously, I know my counter is just the right height, but don't lift your nasty ass belly up and flop it down on my counter. I have to desinfect. It's time consuming.
26. If you make a mess, clean it up. Or, you know, at the very least, have the curtesy to tell me there is one so I can have someone else do it.
27. Everyone makes mistakes. If you drive off with my pump still in your tank, it's all good, just FUCKING TELL ME!
28. No, I do not discount the food at any point in time. We are open 24/7, 365 days a year, so is the restraunt who provides us the food. We shut down the deli for one hour a night to clean it, the food is kept fresh.
29. Stop acting like I owe you. I don't.
30. Try smiling, speaking in a pleasent tone, and adding please and thank you every once in a while. You have no idea how far it goes.
Now, with all that said. It sounds like I hate my job. Sometimes I do. Most of the time, I don't. I love to chat with the guys who come in, tell me how their days are, what's going on in their lives. It is a challenge. My place of business is so busy that we easily do a million gallons in desiel fuel every month. We have 15 showes, four bathrooms, a full restraunt, two deli areas, a driver's lounge, and a barber shop. There are three televisions in various locations for drivers to relax and watch whatever.
One of my very favorite stories, happened about a year ago. I was working 3pm-11pm. I had a fairly new girl running the "gas end" (seperated by those who buy primarily gas, and those who buy mostly desiel, though we are all trained in all areas and can do anything from any register) and a guy comes in, wants to buy a bunch of those pretty glass cubes that have etchings in the center. Great. He goes to M and tells her he wants the boxes. She explains we don't keep the boxes, but she would be happy to bubble wrap them. From all the way down at the other end, I can hear him going off on her. So, I exscuse myself, go down, see what's happening. He demands a manager. I am the manager. He wants the boxes. We don't keep them but she will be happy to bubble wrap them. No, he wants the boxes. I don't keep them. Understand this? No room in our store for the boxes to everything we carry. After a while, he says " Do you want to make this fucking sale or not?" so, I calmly pick them all up, move them to the back counter and tell him "Not really". I walk away, leaving him with his mouth hanging open. He starts down towards my register just as B makes her way from the back. She stops to ask him if there is a problem. I am watching to make sure he don't get nasty. He says " You need a fucking manager that knows how to treat people" she calmly looks up nearly a foot and a half to meet his gaze and says "Did you talk to her like you're talking to me" he pauses, slowly nods, and she says " You should be ashamed of yourself. I think you should go out to your truck and think about what you did." No joke people, this man, who had to be 6'4" and at least 200 pounds, dropped his head, muttered "yes ma'am" and went out to his truck. Roughly an hour later, he came back and apologized.
Got to love the people.
TW: Abuse/SA/Language/Suicide/Death A place to put down my thoughts about my past and current place to deal with my trauma and healing.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Another Crappy Day
I feel very. . blah. . today. I don't feel like doing anything. Yet, I have so much to do. I feel overwhelmed with all that is going on in my life.
Husband and I had a fight the day after Thanksgiving. I feel like it is still lingering between us. He was scheduled to go over to his mothers, to do the whole, turkey dinner thing with her, his step dad, and his brother. The day started out like any other. I wake up, my back is icy cold, it has cramped and it hurts like hell. He rubs it, warms it up, it feels a little better. As I am getting ready for work, and the laundry ready to go with him. He comes in to the bathroom, saying his back hurts. Now, normally he would just go lay down and pop his back. But today, he goes right in and takes >my< prescription pills.
See, this wouldn't be a big deal, but the last time he spent time with his mother, he came home drunk. When I asked him about it, he actually told me that he "can't" say no to her, because if he does, she gets nasty and creates a scene. So, the first thought in my mind is "he can't drink with this" and, well, I've never been known to be quiet, so, I tell him I don't want him drinking.
That is when it all hit the fan. He was angry that I dared to tell him what to do. I tried to explain, there were a thousand and one reasons for him not to drink. Mainly the fact that he just took some heavy duty muscle relaxers. The more I tried to reason with him, the more it got out of control.
Now, it's not like I was without fault. I was throwing things up in his face that I knew better then to bring up. But when I get upset, it's like I can't help myself. I think that one of the things that bothered me most was what I preseved as his weakness. I don't want him to be weak, in any way. Here I have suffered, day after day, with horrible back pain, and I don't take medication unless I'm nearly dying over it. At the first little pain in his back, he goes and takes my heavy heavy duty muscle relaxers. Plus the whole " I have to drink with my mom" thing just drove me crazy.
He is so in control at home. He runs the house. He takes a firm hand and keeps the children in line, keeps our lives running smoothly most of the time. How can he not stand up to her after all she's done to him? He knows that she is a drunk. I mean, I adore my mother in law, but it's the truth. Both his parents are drunks. Why does he feel the need to make her happy over me. That is how I felt. Of course, he doesn't understand that. He accused me of trying to control him.
That in of itself was very hurtful to me. It is something that we have never had issues with before. I mean, my family has said he controls me too much and his family says the same about me, but we have always agreed that we are happy with our lives. When he doesn't go out with them, it is because he would rather stay home with me. And, the same with me. At least, that is what he has always told me. His accusation, was like slap in the face. It made me stop and question all the times he's ever told me that. Does he see it like they do? Does he think I control him? Did he stay home and miss out on things because of me? I don't normally ever tell him what to do, this is the second time in nearly six years that I have. That I can recall.
I don't know. Of course, once he left and I went to work, that was the end of it. I knew it would be. If I bring it up, he'll tell me I am just trying to start a fight. I want him to understand me, not fight with me. Maybe I am to complicated. Maybe I am too hard to live with.
So many doubts. So many fears. It is like a sea of darkness. Sometimes I have my boat to keep me on top of it, other times, like this, I feel like I was dumped out of the boat and I'm drowning in all of it. I can only pray that God will eventually find me and lift me out of the void I am feeling.
I hate when I get like this. I know I should be on my medication, but I've been doing so well without it. It makes me tired and groggy.
See, I don't feel like adding anymore, even though I know there is more to add. Guess I'll do that tomorrow.
Husband and I had a fight the day after Thanksgiving. I feel like it is still lingering between us. He was scheduled to go over to his mothers, to do the whole, turkey dinner thing with her, his step dad, and his brother. The day started out like any other. I wake up, my back is icy cold, it has cramped and it hurts like hell. He rubs it, warms it up, it feels a little better. As I am getting ready for work, and the laundry ready to go with him. He comes in to the bathroom, saying his back hurts. Now, normally he would just go lay down and pop his back. But today, he goes right in and takes >my< prescription pills.
See, this wouldn't be a big deal, but the last time he spent time with his mother, he came home drunk. When I asked him about it, he actually told me that he "can't" say no to her, because if he does, she gets nasty and creates a scene. So, the first thought in my mind is "he can't drink with this" and, well, I've never been known to be quiet, so, I tell him I don't want him drinking.
That is when it all hit the fan. He was angry that I dared to tell him what to do. I tried to explain, there were a thousand and one reasons for him not to drink. Mainly the fact that he just took some heavy duty muscle relaxers. The more I tried to reason with him, the more it got out of control.
Now, it's not like I was without fault. I was throwing things up in his face that I knew better then to bring up. But when I get upset, it's like I can't help myself. I think that one of the things that bothered me most was what I preseved as his weakness. I don't want him to be weak, in any way. Here I have suffered, day after day, with horrible back pain, and I don't take medication unless I'm nearly dying over it. At the first little pain in his back, he goes and takes my heavy heavy duty muscle relaxers. Plus the whole " I have to drink with my mom" thing just drove me crazy.
He is so in control at home. He runs the house. He takes a firm hand and keeps the children in line, keeps our lives running smoothly most of the time. How can he not stand up to her after all she's done to him? He knows that she is a drunk. I mean, I adore my mother in law, but it's the truth. Both his parents are drunks. Why does he feel the need to make her happy over me. That is how I felt. Of course, he doesn't understand that. He accused me of trying to control him.
That in of itself was very hurtful to me. It is something that we have never had issues with before. I mean, my family has said he controls me too much and his family says the same about me, but we have always agreed that we are happy with our lives. When he doesn't go out with them, it is because he would rather stay home with me. And, the same with me. At least, that is what he has always told me. His accusation, was like slap in the face. It made me stop and question all the times he's ever told me that. Does he see it like they do? Does he think I control him? Did he stay home and miss out on things because of me? I don't normally ever tell him what to do, this is the second time in nearly six years that I have. That I can recall.
I don't know. Of course, once he left and I went to work, that was the end of it. I knew it would be. If I bring it up, he'll tell me I am just trying to start a fight. I want him to understand me, not fight with me. Maybe I am to complicated. Maybe I am too hard to live with.
So many doubts. So many fears. It is like a sea of darkness. Sometimes I have my boat to keep me on top of it, other times, like this, I feel like I was dumped out of the boat and I'm drowning in all of it. I can only pray that God will eventually find me and lift me out of the void I am feeling.
I hate when I get like this. I know I should be on my medication, but I've been doing so well without it. It makes me tired and groggy.
See, I don't feel like adding anymore, even though I know there is more to add. Guess I'll do that tomorrow.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Happy Thanksgiving
Today is traditionaly a day about families. About traditions. About being grateful for what you have.
Normally, I have always looked forward to Thanksgiving. It brings back some of my few happy memories from being a child. I remember long rows of tables at my grandmother's. A fire going in the fireplace. Aunts, Uncles, and cousins galore gathered around. The smell of the pies and turkeys lingering in the air. The stuffing, the gravy, the "real" mashed potatoes. I remember that we fought over the gizzards so much that my grandmother bought a package of nothing but gizzards to hold us over. Of course, there was also tons of fruit salad, green bean cassaroles, and, pretty much every side dish you could imagine since everyone brought two or three.
How I have longed to recreate such love, and wonder for my own children. I can remember every Thanksgiving that my husband and I have had together. There was our first year, where we went to my younger brother's house. Played games with them and my parents. I was pregnant, sister in law had just had a baby. My oldest kids were with their dad for most of the day. So, it was pretty much us adults. Then the next year, we went to my older brothers. This time, we had a new baby, my younger brother and his wife had a new baby. They deep fried the turkey that year. Not bad, but, not what I really wanted either. Didn't bother my husband, he hates turkey, he hates Thanksgiving. I still made pies and brought them. The next year found us living with my inlaws halfway around the country. My first ever away from my own family. It was hard, but, I cooked my ass off, anything to take my mind of missing them. The year after that, we were in our own place, and I hosted dinner. The inlaws, some guy we had befriended (a horror story for some other time) and us. It was okay, too much hustle and bustle in our small apartment. That year, we simply did our own thing. Tossed out the turkey, instead made a wonderful beef roast, potatoes, carrots, gravy, pumpkin pies, pecan pies, bread pudding, homemade rolls. That, is the same menu we have used ever since. This being the third year.
Well, I had to work this year. Not a great way to start the day. But, knowing I would come home to Thanksgiving was what got me through it. I managed to get 520 people through my register alone. Work was hell.
So, I get home. Husband and children greet me. I am feeling good. Until the husband opens his mouth " I need you to go the store, get cranberrie sauce, stuffing, and wine" I was furious. I just gave away the can of cranberrie sauce from last year to the local food drive. I ASKED HIM ABOUT STUFFING while we were at the store, and, I don't drink. WTF? I'm furious. I head for the door. He gets upset. Does the whole " never mind, never mind, I don't want you to go" crap.
I try to explain I had a rough day. He just wants to talk about how much cooking sucked. So I shut up. After a while, yeah, he wants to go to the store. We go. I head over to get our usual kind of wine. He doesn't want that. He wants a grape wine. Ugh, whatever. He picks out a wine. It has a cork in it. We don't have a corkscrew. We go check out corkscrews. They are more then the damn wine. So he settles for two different brands of cheap crap.
After much ado, we get the table set, settle down to eat. He pours the wine. It is so nasty that I can't drink it. We pray. We sit around talking about what we are thankful for, yadda yadda yadda. It was actually very nice, while it lasted.
As soon as everyone is done. I sit down at the computer. My best friend is online over in Australia. No, they don't celebrate, so, wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving is sort of stupid. But I do it anyway. Husband asks if I want to join their conversation. I say sure. He is relating a piece of the conversation between us and our daughter. A funny story really. I'm in good spirits. She doesn't seem to see the humor in, but, I guess it's one of those "got to be there moments". So, I ask him to tell another story about something that he did last night. He says no, and disconnects. Tells me that he ain't in the mood for her crap. I'm a bit peeved. I didn't feel like conversating. I wanted to spend time with my family. Then he tells me, to go put the food away. I'm stunned. That is a chore for our kids. Why is he making me do it? I ask him. I point out the children always put the food into containers and put it in the fridge. He says he wants me to do it. I ask if I need to do it >right now< , he says no. Fine, I'll get to it in a bit.
Next thing I know. He's settling down on the couch to go to sleep. I ask him why. He says it's because he's been cooking all day. Again, I'm stunned. Hello, I just worked nine fucking hours! I came home and then went shopping, then came home and helped finish dinner. I am expected to put the food away AND make the damn pies. Does anyone else here fail to miss the logic behind this? Then, he tells the kids to go put the food away. It's been FIVE DAMN MINUTES. After telling me it didn't need to be done right away. He did it because he knows I will jump up and do it my damn self.
Now, why is this all such a big deal. Because he let someone online ruin our holiday. He let her crappy mood piss him off enough that he went to sleep, at 8:30 instead of spending time with me and the kids. What kind of crap is that? I know Thanksgiving is not important to him. I get it. I am the same way with Halloween. I hate it, but he loves it. So I help him go all out, and I do it with a fucking smile.
My feelings are hurt. He could have put forth an effort for my sake. I do it for him all the time. Why is her mood and her attitude enough to make him crappy for the rest of the night. To boot, now when I wake him up to go to bed, he won't be tired anymore. I'll end up sleeping alone while he goes online and plays his game. With her, cuz, by then, he will be over it and so will she.
He won't have a fucking clue as to how much he hurt me today. Why? Because he won't listen when I talk. He will brush it aside. This is the last Thanksgiving I plan on celebrating. Every day I am thankful for things. Never again will I go all out and try to make it a memorable one.
Even now, I am fighting with the kids to get them to do their chores and I realize. It isn't important to them. It isn't important to him. I was the only one it mattered to, and now it no longer matters.
Hope your day went better then mine. Happy Thanksgiving.
Normally, I have always looked forward to Thanksgiving. It brings back some of my few happy memories from being a child. I remember long rows of tables at my grandmother's. A fire going in the fireplace. Aunts, Uncles, and cousins galore gathered around. The smell of the pies and turkeys lingering in the air. The stuffing, the gravy, the "real" mashed potatoes. I remember that we fought over the gizzards so much that my grandmother bought a package of nothing but gizzards to hold us over. Of course, there was also tons of fruit salad, green bean cassaroles, and, pretty much every side dish you could imagine since everyone brought two or three.
How I have longed to recreate such love, and wonder for my own children. I can remember every Thanksgiving that my husband and I have had together. There was our first year, where we went to my younger brother's house. Played games with them and my parents. I was pregnant, sister in law had just had a baby. My oldest kids were with their dad for most of the day. So, it was pretty much us adults. Then the next year, we went to my older brothers. This time, we had a new baby, my younger brother and his wife had a new baby. They deep fried the turkey that year. Not bad, but, not what I really wanted either. Didn't bother my husband, he hates turkey, he hates Thanksgiving. I still made pies and brought them. The next year found us living with my inlaws halfway around the country. My first ever away from my own family. It was hard, but, I cooked my ass off, anything to take my mind of missing them. The year after that, we were in our own place, and I hosted dinner. The inlaws, some guy we had befriended (a horror story for some other time) and us. It was okay, too much hustle and bustle in our small apartment. That year, we simply did our own thing. Tossed out the turkey, instead made a wonderful beef roast, potatoes, carrots, gravy, pumpkin pies, pecan pies, bread pudding, homemade rolls. That, is the same menu we have used ever since. This being the third year.
Well, I had to work this year. Not a great way to start the day. But, knowing I would come home to Thanksgiving was what got me through it. I managed to get 520 people through my register alone. Work was hell.
So, I get home. Husband and children greet me. I am feeling good. Until the husband opens his mouth " I need you to go the store, get cranberrie sauce, stuffing, and wine" I was furious. I just gave away the can of cranberrie sauce from last year to the local food drive. I ASKED HIM ABOUT STUFFING while we were at the store, and, I don't drink. WTF? I'm furious. I head for the door. He gets upset. Does the whole " never mind, never mind, I don't want you to go" crap.
I try to explain I had a rough day. He just wants to talk about how much cooking sucked. So I shut up. After a while, yeah, he wants to go to the store. We go. I head over to get our usual kind of wine. He doesn't want that. He wants a grape wine. Ugh, whatever. He picks out a wine. It has a cork in it. We don't have a corkscrew. We go check out corkscrews. They are more then the damn wine. So he settles for two different brands of cheap crap.
After much ado, we get the table set, settle down to eat. He pours the wine. It is so nasty that I can't drink it. We pray. We sit around talking about what we are thankful for, yadda yadda yadda. It was actually very nice, while it lasted.
As soon as everyone is done. I sit down at the computer. My best friend is online over in Australia. No, they don't celebrate, so, wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving is sort of stupid. But I do it anyway. Husband asks if I want to join their conversation. I say sure. He is relating a piece of the conversation between us and our daughter. A funny story really. I'm in good spirits. She doesn't seem to see the humor in, but, I guess it's one of those "got to be there moments". So, I ask him to tell another story about something that he did last night. He says no, and disconnects. Tells me that he ain't in the mood for her crap. I'm a bit peeved. I didn't feel like conversating. I wanted to spend time with my family. Then he tells me, to go put the food away. I'm stunned. That is a chore for our kids. Why is he making me do it? I ask him. I point out the children always put the food into containers and put it in the fridge. He says he wants me to do it. I ask if I need to do it >right now< , he says no. Fine, I'll get to it in a bit.
Next thing I know. He's settling down on the couch to go to sleep. I ask him why. He says it's because he's been cooking all day. Again, I'm stunned. Hello, I just worked nine fucking hours! I came home and then went shopping, then came home and helped finish dinner. I am expected to put the food away AND make the damn pies. Does anyone else here fail to miss the logic behind this? Then, he tells the kids to go put the food away. It's been FIVE DAMN MINUTES. After telling me it didn't need to be done right away. He did it because he knows I will jump up and do it my damn self.
Now, why is this all such a big deal. Because he let someone online ruin our holiday. He let her crappy mood piss him off enough that he went to sleep, at 8:30 instead of spending time with me and the kids. What kind of crap is that? I know Thanksgiving is not important to him. I get it. I am the same way with Halloween. I hate it, but he loves it. So I help him go all out, and I do it with a fucking smile.
My feelings are hurt. He could have put forth an effort for my sake. I do it for him all the time. Why is her mood and her attitude enough to make him crappy for the rest of the night. To boot, now when I wake him up to go to bed, he won't be tired anymore. I'll end up sleeping alone while he goes online and plays his game. With her, cuz, by then, he will be over it and so will she.
He won't have a fucking clue as to how much he hurt me today. Why? Because he won't listen when I talk. He will brush it aside. This is the last Thanksgiving I plan on celebrating. Every day I am thankful for things. Never again will I go all out and try to make it a memorable one.
Even now, I am fighting with the kids to get them to do their chores and I realize. It isn't important to them. It isn't important to him. I was the only one it mattered to, and now it no longer matters.
Hope your day went better then mine. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
A Fantasy
She moves into the silenced house, takes note of the dimness. Faintly, she can hear the water running, sounds like the shower. She smiles and moves forward, pulling her clothes off of her as she goes.
The warm steam assaults her as she opens the door silently. Her hard nipples simply seem to get harder and the wetness in between her legs only seems to get wetter with anticipation.
She closes the door quickly to keep the heat in. She can hear him on the other side of the shower curtin. It sounds like he is washing his hair, perfect timing on her part. She smiles again as she pulls back one corner of the curtin and sees that he is indeed washing his hair, his eyes closed, his back to the shower head.
Silently she slips inside, shivering a little because the water is spraying on him and peppering her body, yet, not enough of the liquid to keep her warm. It doesn't matter, that is not what she is here for, she sinks slowly to her knees. Her eyes glue to his manhood. He is so male. So Alpha to her Beta. Her mouth opens and her tongue flickers out to swirl around the tip. He knows she's here now, she can tell by the way his body goes tight from knowing what is about to come.
She presses forward to quickly take him in while he's soft. How she loves to put him in soft and feel him growing hard inside of her mouth. He groans a little and curls his fingers into her hair and steps back, pullng her with him into the warm waterfall. She feels him lengthen, as well as thicken as she worships him. He lets go of her head and lifts his hands to his hair to rince it. He knows that she won't let go. Not his good girl. Not her.
She keeps her lips around him, now that he's hard, she pulls out until only the head of him is in her mouth. She swirls her tongue around, dipping into the little hole, seeking the precum she can taste there. She presses her own thighs together as she feels herself getting wetter. She wants to touch herself, but she doesn't. Not because he won't let her, but because she knows it will better for them together if she doesn't.
She continues this, after a few moments, her hands reach up to fondle his balls, gently rolling them around in her small fingers. The water making everything smooth and slick. Her head moves up and down even as her cheecks hollow out with sucking on him and her tongue presses firmly against him , curling just as the head of him is about to pop out, feeling the ridge with her upcurled tongue. Then she lets her mouth relax and move back down to do it all over again.
She loves how his hands reach into her hair once more and pull her down on him. Her face pressing up against the hairs on his body. Even now, in the shower, she can smell what can only be described as HIM. She moans, sending reverberations throughout her mouth and straight into his body, causing his back to arc slightly.
Her desire, her need for him so strong she can't help but slips her hands around to pull him even closer, her fingers pressing into either side of his well rounded ass. She can feel the muscles tighten under her fingertips as she does, causing her to need more, her nails digging into him slightly.
She feels him jump in her mouth as she does. She would smile if her mouth wasn't so full of him right now. He presses himself into the back of her throat and her fingertips press harder. She nearly whimpers as he pulls her head back off of him. She stares at his hardness. He leans down and lifts her up, wrapping his arms around her wet body and kissing her with more passion then she's ever felt before. His fingers moving up her slick slides to cup her breasts. Her breath catches and she presses herself into him. Loving the feel of his body against hers.
Her head tilts back as he begins a journey with his lips down her neck and over her shoulders. His fingers manipulating the soft flesh of her breasts, never touching the hardened nipples that are straining, begging, for his touch and she whimpers as she slides her hands over his wet body to slip into his hair, pulling him down to her breasts. He burries his face in them, squeezing them together, trailing his tongue along her. Her knees feel weak and her breath is quick. She leans even farther back.
Like a man possessed, his head dips quickly to take a nipple in between his teeth, biting at her delicate skin. The wetness trickling down the inside of her thighs is not from the warm water moving over them, but from her own readiness to be claimed by him. Her Male.
He lifts her up into his arms, cradling her like baby, his face burried against her breasts, her face burried into his neck as she whispers his name. He carries her with ease into the next room and gently lays her on the bed, uncaring that they are both sopping wet. They are the only two things in the world right now and she sees it when she looks into his eyes.
His fingers move down and touch her gently, teasing her, a hint of amusement in his expression. She growls softly and digs her nails painfully into his neck, causing the amusement to shift to lust as he plunges his finger into her. Her body arcs as her first orgasm washes over her, unaware of just how tightly she is holding onto him until after her body comes back down.
He smiles softly, with love in his eyes as he rubs himself against her leg. His finger still moves inside of her in slow, methodical movements. She can't help but blush and smile back at him. Suprised by her own reaction to him. She knew it would be intense, but caught unawares at just how intense until this moment. Her fingers find him and begin to stroke him, her body wiggling against his finger, moaning softly as he finds and taunts the secret spot within her.
He waits for her to beg, like he knows she will. Assaulting her body with kisses along her neck and ears, down to her breasts. She begs him to enter her, to make her complete. He just smiles a lazy smile and moves down farther, never removing his finger all the way. Just sliding it in and out of her as his lips leave a firey trail down her skin. She feels his warm breath upon her sex and her body twitches in anticipation. He watches her. Their eyes meeting before he slowly reaches out with his tongue and licks the outer lips of her. She begs him for more. He continues to tease her with his tongue, slow, lazy movements, designed to force her to hover on the brink.
His finger presses deep into her, followed by a second one and she cries out as he stretches her. She knows it is nothing compared to how large he is, but she feels so full. He rubs his face on the inside of her thighs and enhales her womenly scent. She nearly sobs as she begs him to fill her with himself.
With an indulgent smile, he presses his face against her, his mouth sucking her clit in and nibbling on it while her fingers press him down on her and her hips lift to meet his lips. She shudders through another orgasm and lays back spent.
He moves over her, placing himself between her legs. The tip of him pressing into her, he seems bigger now. Maybe it is his need, maybe it is just her imagination. Her hips buck up against him, trying to force himself into her more to no avail. Soft whimpering is all she can manage at the moment. The lust in her brain overwhelming her. She needs him inside of her. She needs him to make her whole again. "Please love, please, mark me, take me, make me yours" her words are barely above a whisper, but they are loud enough.
He burries himself into her as far as he will go and she screams as her body tries to adjust to his size, her nails raking down his back. He holds there for the longest moment, savoring in the heat of her, in the way her body was meant to be his, in her gift to him.
Slowly he begins to move in and out of her with ease, her body clinging tightly to him each time he pulls out and thrusting forward to meet him each time he presses in. It seems like forever in her mind, her body and his slick with sweat as the move against each other.
He speeds up, moving in and out with full, deep thrusts, her fingers digging even harder into him as he brings her to a final orgasm, her body contracting and milking him, causing him to shove deep into her as he allows himself to fill her up with his seed.
They remain locked together, tears slip from each of their faces and hold onto each other for dear life.
The warm steam assaults her as she opens the door silently. Her hard nipples simply seem to get harder and the wetness in between her legs only seems to get wetter with anticipation.
She closes the door quickly to keep the heat in. She can hear him on the other side of the shower curtin. It sounds like he is washing his hair, perfect timing on her part. She smiles again as she pulls back one corner of the curtin and sees that he is indeed washing his hair, his eyes closed, his back to the shower head.
Silently she slips inside, shivering a little because the water is spraying on him and peppering her body, yet, not enough of the liquid to keep her warm. It doesn't matter, that is not what she is here for, she sinks slowly to her knees. Her eyes glue to his manhood. He is so male. So Alpha to her Beta. Her mouth opens and her tongue flickers out to swirl around the tip. He knows she's here now, she can tell by the way his body goes tight from knowing what is about to come.
She presses forward to quickly take him in while he's soft. How she loves to put him in soft and feel him growing hard inside of her mouth. He groans a little and curls his fingers into her hair and steps back, pullng her with him into the warm waterfall. She feels him lengthen, as well as thicken as she worships him. He lets go of her head and lifts his hands to his hair to rince it. He knows that she won't let go. Not his good girl. Not her.
She keeps her lips around him, now that he's hard, she pulls out until only the head of him is in her mouth. She swirls her tongue around, dipping into the little hole, seeking the precum she can taste there. She presses her own thighs together as she feels herself getting wetter. She wants to touch herself, but she doesn't. Not because he won't let her, but because she knows it will better for them together if she doesn't.
She continues this, after a few moments, her hands reach up to fondle his balls, gently rolling them around in her small fingers. The water making everything smooth and slick. Her head moves up and down even as her cheecks hollow out with sucking on him and her tongue presses firmly against him , curling just as the head of him is about to pop out, feeling the ridge with her upcurled tongue. Then she lets her mouth relax and move back down to do it all over again.
She loves how his hands reach into her hair once more and pull her down on him. Her face pressing up against the hairs on his body. Even now, in the shower, she can smell what can only be described as HIM. She moans, sending reverberations throughout her mouth and straight into his body, causing his back to arc slightly.
Her desire, her need for him so strong she can't help but slips her hands around to pull him even closer, her fingers pressing into either side of his well rounded ass. She can feel the muscles tighten under her fingertips as she does, causing her to need more, her nails digging into him slightly.
She feels him jump in her mouth as she does. She would smile if her mouth wasn't so full of him right now. He presses himself into the back of her throat and her fingertips press harder. She nearly whimpers as he pulls her head back off of him. She stares at his hardness. He leans down and lifts her up, wrapping his arms around her wet body and kissing her with more passion then she's ever felt before. His fingers moving up her slick slides to cup her breasts. Her breath catches and she presses herself into him. Loving the feel of his body against hers.
Her head tilts back as he begins a journey with his lips down her neck and over her shoulders. His fingers manipulating the soft flesh of her breasts, never touching the hardened nipples that are straining, begging, for his touch and she whimpers as she slides her hands over his wet body to slip into his hair, pulling him down to her breasts. He burries his face in them, squeezing them together, trailing his tongue along her. Her knees feel weak and her breath is quick. She leans even farther back.
Like a man possessed, his head dips quickly to take a nipple in between his teeth, biting at her delicate skin. The wetness trickling down the inside of her thighs is not from the warm water moving over them, but from her own readiness to be claimed by him. Her Male.
He lifts her up into his arms, cradling her like baby, his face burried against her breasts, her face burried into his neck as she whispers his name. He carries her with ease into the next room and gently lays her on the bed, uncaring that they are both sopping wet. They are the only two things in the world right now and she sees it when she looks into his eyes.
His fingers move down and touch her gently, teasing her, a hint of amusement in his expression. She growls softly and digs her nails painfully into his neck, causing the amusement to shift to lust as he plunges his finger into her. Her body arcs as her first orgasm washes over her, unaware of just how tightly she is holding onto him until after her body comes back down.
He smiles softly, with love in his eyes as he rubs himself against her leg. His finger still moves inside of her in slow, methodical movements. She can't help but blush and smile back at him. Suprised by her own reaction to him. She knew it would be intense, but caught unawares at just how intense until this moment. Her fingers find him and begin to stroke him, her body wiggling against his finger, moaning softly as he finds and taunts the secret spot within her.
He waits for her to beg, like he knows she will. Assaulting her body with kisses along her neck and ears, down to her breasts. She begs him to enter her, to make her complete. He just smiles a lazy smile and moves down farther, never removing his finger all the way. Just sliding it in and out of her as his lips leave a firey trail down her skin. She feels his warm breath upon her sex and her body twitches in anticipation. He watches her. Their eyes meeting before he slowly reaches out with his tongue and licks the outer lips of her. She begs him for more. He continues to tease her with his tongue, slow, lazy movements, designed to force her to hover on the brink.
His finger presses deep into her, followed by a second one and she cries out as he stretches her. She knows it is nothing compared to how large he is, but she feels so full. He rubs his face on the inside of her thighs and enhales her womenly scent. She nearly sobs as she begs him to fill her with himself.
With an indulgent smile, he presses his face against her, his mouth sucking her clit in and nibbling on it while her fingers press him down on her and her hips lift to meet his lips. She shudders through another orgasm and lays back spent.
He moves over her, placing himself between her legs. The tip of him pressing into her, he seems bigger now. Maybe it is his need, maybe it is just her imagination. Her hips buck up against him, trying to force himself into her more to no avail. Soft whimpering is all she can manage at the moment. The lust in her brain overwhelming her. She needs him inside of her. She needs him to make her whole again. "Please love, please, mark me, take me, make me yours" her words are barely above a whisper, but they are loud enough.
He burries himself into her as far as he will go and she screams as her body tries to adjust to his size, her nails raking down his back. He holds there for the longest moment, savoring in the heat of her, in the way her body was meant to be his, in her gift to him.
Slowly he begins to move in and out of her with ease, her body clinging tightly to him each time he pulls out and thrusting forward to meet him each time he presses in. It seems like forever in her mind, her body and his slick with sweat as the move against each other.
He speeds up, moving in and out with full, deep thrusts, her fingers digging even harder into him as he brings her to a final orgasm, her body contracting and milking him, causing him to shove deep into her as he allows himself to fill her up with his seed.
They remain locked together, tears slip from each of their faces and hold onto each other for dear life.
Too Tired
>sigh<
I don't even now where to start. I guess I'll start with talking about my friend. Someone I've known for about six years now. I love the man. Pure and simple. Not like, I want to run and away and marry him type thing, just, love him. He is going through a really hard time right now. He's bi-polar, and is on one of his down times. This has, in the past, gotten really bad. I have tried to reach out to him, telling him I am here if he needs me, practically begging him to let me in. He just polietly tells me no but thanks. I want to scream. Doesn't he know by now that talking always helps him feel better? Is it so hard for him to trust in my love for him? I hate this feeling it gives me. It just drives me crazy. I just want to take him into my arms and let him cry on my shoulder until his world is right again.
Work was crap. Boss showed up at my house, because my phone still isn't working, and asked my husband to wake me up see if I would come in early. I did. I ended up working 12 hours. In general, the day was shit, we were busy, not enough help. Totally miserable.
I miss my family. I want to hold my new baby neice in my arms so bad I ache from it. I don't know, maybe it's because everyone around me is having babies. I wish I could have had one more. One more pregnancy, one more son or daughter. I don't know, it's crazy, the doctor warned me not to get pregnant ever again, or I would end up diabetic. That's why I had my tubes tied. But damnit I wish, just, sometimes, that I could.
I was going to post about a scene, but, with all the depression hanging around me like a thick cloud. I decided I better not. Small post, but, I am honestly too tired for anything more.
I don't even now where to start. I guess I'll start with talking about my friend. Someone I've known for about six years now. I love the man. Pure and simple. Not like, I want to run and away and marry him type thing, just, love him. He is going through a really hard time right now. He's bi-polar, and is on one of his down times. This has, in the past, gotten really bad. I have tried to reach out to him, telling him I am here if he needs me, practically begging him to let me in. He just polietly tells me no but thanks. I want to scream. Doesn't he know by now that talking always helps him feel better? Is it so hard for him to trust in my love for him? I hate this feeling it gives me. It just drives me crazy. I just want to take him into my arms and let him cry on my shoulder until his world is right again.
Work was crap. Boss showed up at my house, because my phone still isn't working, and asked my husband to wake me up see if I would come in early. I did. I ended up working 12 hours. In general, the day was shit, we were busy, not enough help. Totally miserable.
I miss my family. I want to hold my new baby neice in my arms so bad I ache from it. I don't know, maybe it's because everyone around me is having babies. I wish I could have had one more. One more pregnancy, one more son or daughter. I don't know, it's crazy, the doctor warned me not to get pregnant ever again, or I would end up diabetic. That's why I had my tubes tied. But damnit I wish, just, sometimes, that I could.
I was going to post about a scene, but, with all the depression hanging around me like a thick cloud. I decided I better not. Small post, but, I am honestly too tired for anything more.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Updating. . Again. ..
First of all. Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. Like has been kicking the shit out of me and damned if it didn't nearly win.
I read a blog the other day, in which the writer talked about maybe deleting the blog. It made me think about mine. I mean, what's the point of having this. I never write in it. Then I posted a response to her and came here to delete mine. I was even thinking of starting over. Then I read through the things I had already written and I realized that this was still important to me. I really needed this. Needed the outlet it provided for me. So, here I am, once more, to blog about my life.
Am I the only blogger that pours over tons and tons of other blogs? I read blogs about dominating relationships, I read blogs written by both the dom and the subs. I read blogs that some of our soldiers are writing. I read blogs about nothing.
This blog is supposed to be a place where I can put anything. No one knows me here. No one will come to my work and tell me I'm a pervert. No one will call my boss and tell him he has a sick twisted woman managing his store.
Don't see anything sick and twisted? Read on.
I recently shaved myself. Everywhere. Not even sure why, just, felt like it. This is not something I normally do, and well, probably won't again. See, as soon as the hair started to grow back in, I started to itch. It was driving me nuts. More then that though, I couldn't' walk anywhere without my over sensative pussy lips rubbing against each other and swelling up. This is all great if I can stay at home and fuck my husband like a rabid bunny. But nooooo, I have to work. I have to try to stand in front of my customers, feeling my wetness sliding down my legs, and smile like nothing is wrong. For four days, I used both of my ten minute breaks, and my lunch hour to run into the bathroom and bring myself to orgasm. Now mind you, these are very public bathrooms. Think that bothered me? No, it only turned me on more. Of course, each time I did this, it seemed to only make me need it more. I would run home from work and drop to my knees in front of my loving, if not suprised husband, and submissivly suck his cock until he filled my mouth with his sweet cum.
Life was great.
Then, as if to say "Okay Nikki, you've had enough happiness" shit started to hit the fan. I got pulled over for having outdated tags on my van. I knew they were outdated. They wouldn't let us renew them because I had my liscence suspended for not paying fines that stemmed from an accident that was not my fault. But, I had no insurance. Well, if I could have afforded the damn fines, I would have been able to afford insurance. So, anyway, they don't arrest me, but, tell me if they catch me driving again they will. I have to go to court, so I do. It's going to cost me roughly 550 dollars. I don't have that kind of money! The judge gave me 30 days to pay it and get myself legal again. Despair.
Then, out of no where. My guardian angels step in. People I've known online for years. The two of them get together and decide they are going to send me the money. One is a student in Australia, my best friend really, and I know she can't afford it. The other, a guy who is married, lives in the States, and, has flat out told me he loves me. His wife would be furious. But they are both stubborn and simply refuse to take anything but yes for an answer. I am so lucky.
Money is sent and recieved. Fines are paid off. Oh, they shut my phone off in the meantime because I couldn't pay the bill. Even though I called and made the arrangements. So I call and pay what I told them I would pay. 140 dollars. Yay, the phone is going to be turned back on. Not. They say "Oh, well, someone messed up and turned it off completely yesterday, you'll have to pay the remainder of the balance" I am furious. I could have used that 140 dollars somewhere else. I demand a supervisor. I explain how it isn't my fault someone else messed up. Then he tells me that the problem is they have an unpaid bill in my name from four years ago. I PAID THAT DAMN BILL! He calmly asks if I have the reciept. DO I HAVE THE RECIEPT FROM FOUR YEARS AGO!?! I MOVED HALFWAY ACROSS THE STATES. HELL NO! >sigh<>never<>not< notice it" So, women leaves, we go into the house. Daughter says she wanted to play at her friends. We inform her she is grounded for a week and has to do extra chores every day.
Think that's the end of this horror story? No. Husband tells me a social worker came by. Said they had a report that our children were going to school hungry, did not have proper shoes or coats and they are not being bathed regularly. WHAT THE FUCK? He invites her in. Shows her the kitchen where he is currently cooking dinner. Shows her all the food we have. Cupboards are full, fridge is cleaned out and fully stocked, not to mention our deep freezer. Then he takes her over and shows her the coat closet, counts out the jackets. My oldest boy alone has NINE, yes NINE jackets, ranging from everything from lightweight, to rain coat, to heavy winter jacket. Shows her snow boots, snow suit, the overflowing basket of shoes the kids have. She asks how often we give the kids baths. He tells her that "we" do not bathe our children. They are old enough to do so on their own. My oldest pops up with how he doesn't take baths. So my husband has to explain that no, they take showers, every other night. Woman leaves and tells husband I can call her if I want. Oh hell yes I want. So, Monday rolls around. I call, can't reach her. Tuesday rolls around, woman shows up. As I am speaking to her, my son's counseler shows up. She is livid and tells the woman so. Says out of all her families, we are the one that she has NO concerns whatsover about. She tells the woman how she never calls, just drops by to visit, and, our home is always clean. That our children are always well fed. The woman says that the complaint says that we are not feeding them before school. I point out that the school has a free breakfast program, so no we don't. The counseler tells her how I lobbied to get the children bussed to school, winning my battle, after they had refused the priniciple of the school. Tells her about how I went to the school and fought to get the teachers to do their jobs properly, resulting in the termination of one of their teachers. How I always put my kids first and she's seen it a thousand times. I could have kissed her. I may be some sick twisted bitch in the bedroom, but damnit, I put my kids first always. So, women goes to the school to talk to my daughter, then comes back to my house the next day. Of course, she is sorry for intruding on our lives, and yes, we understand every complaint has to be investigated, yes we look forward to her report, thank you for being so open with me, thanks for encouraging your daughter to be nothing but honest. I mean come on. Why would I tell her to lie to you lady? I just wanted to scream
So, this all brings us up to the present. For the most part anyway. There are some minor things in there driving me nuts, but yeah, welcome to my nightmare.
I read a blog the other day, in which the writer talked about maybe deleting the blog. It made me think about mine. I mean, what's the point of having this. I never write in it. Then I posted a response to her and came here to delete mine. I was even thinking of starting over. Then I read through the things I had already written and I realized that this was still important to me. I really needed this. Needed the outlet it provided for me. So, here I am, once more, to blog about my life.
Am I the only blogger that pours over tons and tons of other blogs? I read blogs about dominating relationships, I read blogs written by both the dom and the subs. I read blogs that some of our soldiers are writing. I read blogs about nothing.
This blog is supposed to be a place where I can put anything. No one knows me here. No one will come to my work and tell me I'm a pervert. No one will call my boss and tell him he has a sick twisted woman managing his store.
Don't see anything sick and twisted? Read on.
I recently shaved myself. Everywhere. Not even sure why, just, felt like it. This is not something I normally do, and well, probably won't again. See, as soon as the hair started to grow back in, I started to itch. It was driving me nuts. More then that though, I couldn't' walk anywhere without my over sensative pussy lips rubbing against each other and swelling up. This is all great if I can stay at home and fuck my husband like a rabid bunny. But nooooo, I have to work. I have to try to stand in front of my customers, feeling my wetness sliding down my legs, and smile like nothing is wrong. For four days, I used both of my ten minute breaks, and my lunch hour to run into the bathroom and bring myself to orgasm. Now mind you, these are very public bathrooms. Think that bothered me? No, it only turned me on more. Of course, each time I did this, it seemed to only make me need it more. I would run home from work and drop to my knees in front of my loving, if not suprised husband, and submissivly suck his cock until he filled my mouth with his sweet cum.
Life was great.
Then, as if to say "Okay Nikki, you've had enough happiness" shit started to hit the fan. I got pulled over for having outdated tags on my van. I knew they were outdated. They wouldn't let us renew them because I had my liscence suspended for not paying fines that stemmed from an accident that was not my fault. But, I had no insurance. Well, if I could have afforded the damn fines, I would have been able to afford insurance. So, anyway, they don't arrest me, but, tell me if they catch me driving again they will. I have to go to court, so I do. It's going to cost me roughly 550 dollars. I don't have that kind of money! The judge gave me 30 days to pay it and get myself legal again. Despair.
Then, out of no where. My guardian angels step in. People I've known online for years. The two of them get together and decide they are going to send me the money. One is a student in Australia, my best friend really, and I know she can't afford it. The other, a guy who is married, lives in the States, and, has flat out told me he loves me. His wife would be furious. But they are both stubborn and simply refuse to take anything but yes for an answer. I am so lucky.
Money is sent and recieved. Fines are paid off. Oh, they shut my phone off in the meantime because I couldn't pay the bill. Even though I called and made the arrangements. So I call and pay what I told them I would pay. 140 dollars. Yay, the phone is going to be turned back on. Not. They say "Oh, well, someone messed up and turned it off completely yesterday, you'll have to pay the remainder of the balance" I am furious. I could have used that 140 dollars somewhere else. I demand a supervisor. I explain how it isn't my fault someone else messed up. Then he tells me that the problem is they have an unpaid bill in my name from four years ago. I PAID THAT DAMN BILL! He calmly asks if I have the reciept. DO I HAVE THE RECIEPT FROM FOUR YEARS AGO!?! I MOVED HALFWAY ACROSS THE STATES. HELL NO! >sigh<>never<>not< notice it" So, women leaves, we go into the house. Daughter says she wanted to play at her friends. We inform her she is grounded for a week and has to do extra chores every day.
Think that's the end of this horror story? No. Husband tells me a social worker came by. Said they had a report that our children were going to school hungry, did not have proper shoes or coats and they are not being bathed regularly. WHAT THE FUCK? He invites her in. Shows her the kitchen where he is currently cooking dinner. Shows her all the food we have. Cupboards are full, fridge is cleaned out and fully stocked, not to mention our deep freezer. Then he takes her over and shows her the coat closet, counts out the jackets. My oldest boy alone has NINE, yes NINE jackets, ranging from everything from lightweight, to rain coat, to heavy winter jacket. Shows her snow boots, snow suit, the overflowing basket of shoes the kids have. She asks how often we give the kids baths. He tells her that "we" do not bathe our children. They are old enough to do so on their own. My oldest pops up with how he doesn't take baths. So my husband has to explain that no, they take showers, every other night. Woman leaves and tells husband I can call her if I want. Oh hell yes I want. So, Monday rolls around. I call, can't reach her. Tuesday rolls around, woman shows up. As I am speaking to her, my son's counseler shows up. She is livid and tells the woman so. Says out of all her families, we are the one that she has NO concerns whatsover about. She tells the woman how she never calls, just drops by to visit, and, our home is always clean. That our children are always well fed. The woman says that the complaint says that we are not feeding them before school. I point out that the school has a free breakfast program, so no we don't. The counseler tells her how I lobbied to get the children bussed to school, winning my battle, after they had refused the priniciple of the school. Tells her about how I went to the school and fought to get the teachers to do their jobs properly, resulting in the termination of one of their teachers. How I always put my kids first and she's seen it a thousand times. I could have kissed her. I may be some sick twisted bitch in the bedroom, but damnit, I put my kids first always. So, women goes to the school to talk to my daughter, then comes back to my house the next day. Of course, she is sorry for intruding on our lives, and yes, we understand every complaint has to be investigated, yes we look forward to her report, thank you for being so open with me, thanks for encouraging your daughter to be nothing but honest. I mean come on. Why would I tell her to lie to you lady? I just wanted to scream
So, this all brings us up to the present. For the most part anyway. There are some minor things in there driving me nuts, but yeah, welcome to my nightmare.
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