Another Crappy Day

I feel very. . blah. . today. I don't feel like doing anything. Yet, I have so much to do. I feel overwhelmed with all that is going on in my life.

Husband and I had a fight the day after Thanksgiving. I feel like it is still lingering between us. He was scheduled to go over to his mothers, to do the whole, turkey dinner thing with her, his step dad, and his brother. The day started out like any other. I wake up, my back is icy cold, it has cramped and it hurts like hell. He rubs it, warms it up, it feels a little better. As I am getting ready for work, and the laundry ready to go with him. He comes in to the bathroom, saying his back hurts. Now, normally he would just go lay down and pop his back. But today, he goes right in and takes >my< prescription pills.

See, this wouldn't be a big deal, but the last time he spent time with his mother, he came home drunk. When I asked him about it, he actually told me that he "can't" say no to her, because if he does, she gets nasty and creates a scene. So, the first thought in my mind is "he can't drink with this" and, well, I've never been known to be quiet, so, I tell him I don't want him drinking.

That is when it all hit the fan. He was angry that I dared to tell him what to do. I tried to explain, there were a thousand and one reasons for him not to drink. Mainly the fact that he just took some heavy duty muscle relaxers. The more I tried to reason with him, the more it got out of control.

Now, it's not like I was without fault. I was throwing things up in his face that I knew better then to bring up. But when I get upset, it's like I can't help myself. I think that one of the things that bothered me most was what I preseved as his weakness. I don't want him to be weak, in any way. Here I have suffered, day after day, with horrible back pain, and I don't take medication unless I'm nearly dying over it. At the first little pain in his back, he goes and takes my heavy heavy duty muscle relaxers. Plus the whole " I have to drink with my mom" thing just drove me crazy.

He is so in control at home. He runs the house. He takes a firm hand and keeps the children in line, keeps our lives running smoothly most of the time. How can he not stand up to her after all she's done to him? He knows that she is a drunk. I mean, I adore my mother in law, but it's the truth. Both his parents are drunks. Why does he feel the need to make her happy over me. That is how I felt. Of course, he doesn't understand that. He accused me of trying to control him.

That in of itself was very hurtful to me. It is something that we have never had issues with before. I mean, my family has said he controls me too much and his family says the same about me, but we have always agreed that we are happy with our lives. When he doesn't go out with them, it is because he would rather stay home with me. And, the same with me. At least, that is what he has always told me. His accusation, was like slap in the face. It made me stop and question all the times he's ever told me that. Does he see it like they do? Does he think I control him? Did he stay home and miss out on things because of me? I don't normally ever tell him what to do, this is the second time in nearly six years that I have. That I can recall.

I don't know. Of course, once he left and I went to work, that was the end of it. I knew it would be. If I bring it up, he'll tell me I am just trying to start a fight. I want him to understand me, not fight with me. Maybe I am to complicated. Maybe I am too hard to live with.

So many doubts. So many fears. It is like a sea of darkness. Sometimes I have my boat to keep me on top of it, other times, like this, I feel like I was dumped out of the boat and I'm drowning in all of it. I can only pray that God will eventually find me and lift me out of the void I am feeling.

I hate when I get like this. I know I should be on my medication, but I've been doing so well without it. It makes me tired and groggy.

See, I don't feel like adding anymore, even though I know there is more to add. Guess I'll do that tomorrow.