I am angry. I am in pain. Physical pain and emotional pain. I want to cry and cry until I am all cried out.
I am tired of hearing people around me talk. I want them to shut up. All they ever do is argue with me anyway. Even my husband felt the need to attack me today.
Why? Because I complain too much. I asked him to help me with the boy since he has this new program he wants me to do with him. I know he doesn't feel well but neither do I and really I needed his support. He sent the boy to bed and then yelled at me about how I need to stop engaging him all the time. I do this because I need someone to listen to me, not to fix it. Now I feel more alone then ever. I will keep my complaints to myself. I will be the person who does it all. I will be as perfect as I can be. Sadly, I know I will fail.
I have failed at being a wife. I have failed about being a mother and grandmother and daughter and sister and every other role I've played in my life. I am an epic failure.
I have dark ugly thoughts about hurting myself. Yes I am in counseling and yes I have told my counselor. I am just too tired to even put more of my thoughts down but I'm guessing that without being able to share with my husband I will be coming here a lot more.