Another Fantasy

There I am, kneeling on the floor, feeling the carpet rub against my knees.

My back aches from the position, of course, I have to keep it straight with my head lowered. I know this because he has told me several times that this is how he wants me when he gets home.

I have the fleeting thought that maybe he is going to be late. Of course he is though, I've already been here for half an hour. The muscles in my arms have burned so badly that I've actually lowered them.

He may not know that, but I do. I know that I disobeyed him. I will tell him. I always do.

My body tightens at the thought. He will punish me. He always does.

I will love it. It is the way that it is.

The door creaks open and I force myself even straighter. I'm glad that put my arms back into place behind my back.

My breasts hang heavy in front of me, but the nipples are hard and point right at him. They seem to get even harder as the cold air from behind him licks at them.

I can feel his eyes one me as he moves around me, inspecting me like a horse or a cow for sale. I want to look up and he knows this. He knows how hard it is for me to sit still. I want to see his face, see his approval, or disapproval, whatever the case may be, it is still hard to sit still. I shift, ever so slightly, maybe he won't notice.

The flick of his finger across my sensitive nipple causes me to jump slightly, but like a good sub, I hold my position, and yes, it sends a little shiver right down my spine. I know what he's like when he starts out like this.

He stands in front of me now and I'm staring down at his shoes. I think to myself "What would it be like to have to spit shine his shoes?" and I almost giggle. The feel of his open hand slapping my tit keeps me from that though and I feel it sway slightly. Before I can recover, he slaps the other one and I can't help but let out a little whimper.

"Where you a good girl today?"

Just the sound of "good girl" makes my head spin. I nod slightly and realize, a moment to late, as I feel his hand slap my face, that I should have replied out loud. I hurry to remedy that "Yes Sir, no Sir"

"Well, which is it? Yes or no?" another slap, this one a bit harder and I find it hard to focus and I weakly mutter "No sir, I didn't have my hands in place Sir, my arms were aching"

"So, you will need to be punished, very well"

I hear the zipper of his pants and my mouth begins to salivatate. I love sucking his cock. I love having it in my mouth, pressing against the back of my throat.

I feel the head of it pressing against my cheek and I turn, more out of instinct then thought and my mouth opens. He doesn't put it in though, he holds it in his hand and slaps my face with it. My lips, my cheeks, my eyes. All the while my mouth hangs open stupidly as I nearly beg him to let me taste him.

He slides it in just past the tip so that I can clean the pre-cum off of it and he slaps my tits again as I try to suck him farther into my mouth.

"Did I give you permission to suck on my cock whore? Did I? Answer me" Another slap to my tits with his free hand, his cock pulling out to be slapped against my face some more, over my eyes and nose, each one a bit harder then the last one. I know I look like a whore with my tongue hanging out, licking him when he gets close enough, the wetness trickling down my the inside of my thighs.

Finally, when I think I won't be able to take it anymore, he slides it in. I love feeling his rigid member, the softness of the skin, the hardness of it over all. I love the taste of his precum and the smell of him.

He places a hand on each side of my face and thrusts his hips forward, shoving it all the way to the back of my throat and I struggle to catch my breath with the ferocity of it all. There is no room for doubt, he's fucking my mouth and I love it. A low gutteral moan from deep in the back vibrates through my mouth and into his cock. I know this from the matching sound he makes and the way he shoves even more brutally, holding my face all the way against him as he spurts his cum all over my tongue and straight down into my belly.

He shoves me away from him and tenderness floods through me. I don't know how many times he's told me how intense it is for him to cum in my mouth like that. From my perch I can see his legs shaking slightly and after just a moment he reaches down and pulls me up against him.

He carresses me and tells me I am his good girl, that he loves me, that he is blessed because I am his wife. He carries me to our bed and holds me against his chest as I drift off to sleep.

The Rat

Thanks you guys, for all your words of encouragment.

This is a familiar road. One that I am intimate with.

Not that I like this path, just, I seem to travel it every couple of weeks.

I want to be a strong person. I want to be happy. I want to be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend.

Too often I don't feel like I am.

I have been very stressed at work.

See, there is this guy, I'll just call him "The Rat" because to me, that's what he is, looks, personality, the whole nine yards. He is a rat.

I hate the rat. If that man died, I would shed no tears, nor feel any kind of remorse. Only relief. I know that this is not a good way to feel about people, and it is not very often that I do, but this man drives me crazy.

I am calm, cool, collected when I am at work. I handle all kinds of emergencies. Everything from our entire systems crashing, all the way down to handling a dead body, and I always, always, keep my cool.

This man has made me cry though. Not in front of him mind you, because I won't give this prick the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

He is rude, billegerant, insubordinant, unreliable. He shows up whenever he wants. He says horrible things to me, he refuses to follow my orders.

Two nights ago, I told him to take his lunch break, it was 2am.

He told me he would "in a minute".

Thirty minutes later, I asked him again.

Rat: "Why do I have to take my lunch right now?

Me: "Because it's been half an hour since I asked you"

Rat: "Well I am not going to take it now"

Me: "Why is that?"

Rat: "Because I'm not hungry"

Me: "Since when do we base our lunches around weither we are hungry or not? We are supposed to take them when business dictates"

Rat: "Well, there is no one in the store"

Me: >stares at him< "That's kind of the point, unless of course you are going to wait until it's busy to take your lunch"

Rat: "Well, no one else makes me do that"

Me: "Well that's because you don't work with anyone else that asks you to do anything. Is there a reason that you can't simply do what I ask? Do you have an issue with me? Would you talk to C or R like this?"

Rat: " No because they know better then to mess with me. THEY KNOW BETTER!" (and yes, by now the man is screaming at me"

He doesn't follow company policies, he has come in four hours late before.

Why don't they fire him?

Fuck if I know. I ask myself that all the time.

Things have gotten so bad that I have had to call my boss in the middle of the night because the man literally screams at me across the store, ignores customers in order to fight with me, amongst other things.

I hate this man.

I hate this man.

I hate this man.

It has made me hate my job as well. I don't want to go to work on the nights that I have to work with him.

I've tried talking to my boss.

He tells me to document it.

I do.

Nothing happens.

I talk to him some more. He tells me to continue documenting it. Tells me to get others to document it.

Well no one wants to go to R about it because when someone does, and R manages to get off his ass and question the Rat about it, the Rat knows who told on him and he goes off on them for it.

Other managers have seen this!

I want to call the corp office, but, I'm afraid that R will get pissed and fire me over it. He keeps saying that things will get better, he tells me that he wants to get rid of him, then, he FUCKING PROMOTES HIM!

The man who shows up on time once every two damn weeks.

I mean seriously, WTF???

I want to scream, ugh.

So, anyway, my darling husband is aware of all of this of course. He does his best to keep me sane through the days I have to work with the Rat.

But, something happened last night that has left me smiling even today.

See, I normally take my mp3 player to work so I have something to listen to on my lunch break. I am very careful about it since it was so expensive, but, out of my fury for the rat, I left without taking it out from under my register where I had placed it while working.

Well, one of the girls I work with had driven her sister's truck to work, and, the mechanic who fixed her car brought it by and dropped it off, leaving her a driver short. I offered to drive it to her house if she would bring me back.

Of course, I stopped at home to let the husband know, and, to change out of my stupid uniform. I asked him if he wanted to go with me and much to my delight he said yes.

So, off we go, the girl lives thirty minutes from work, so, for the first half hour, we were able to just sit and talk about how our nights had went. Second half hour, was spent with me sitting back watching him charm the pants off of her.

He can't help it. It's natural to him, he doesn't even realize he does it.

Anyway, so, I realize that I have left the mp3 player and after A drops us off at home, we decide to run up and get it (since I have the next to days off) and then grab something to eat.

We go in, I move over to get me a cup of hot chocolate and talk to B who was cleaning up the store while the hubby looked around.

The rat, apperantly, did not see us come in together.

He says to me "Where's our paperclips?"

I ignored him the first time.

I ignored him the second time.

Third time he raised his voice to me, I turned and replied "Upstairs I'm sure"

Well, mind you, I felt sort of bad because B had asked me to bring some down and I forgot. I was so anxious to get out of there and away from that little fucker, it totally spaced my mind.

He opened his mouth to say something and my husband turned and with a quickness that suprises most people because of his size, he appears nearly right in front of the man and clears his throat.

No, I'm not sure if it was the fact that my husband is nearly twice the rat's size, or, the fact that he carries himself so dominantly, so confidently, or exactly what it was, but, I saw the fear rush to the rat's face and he stepped back away from the counter and my husband casually leaned against it and looked at me with a little grin and said something along the lines of "I'll wait right here until your ready"

Of course, the rat snapped his lips together so tight I don't know how he continued breathing.

Maybe it won't seem as funny to you guys, but, to me, it was just hilarious. He was afraid of my husband, through and through.

I felt good about it. It was his way of telling this man that I am his, that he won't put up with his shit, making him shut up.

So, no, things haven't been the greatest, but, in my moment of darkness, my darling husband rode to my rescue like a knight in shining armor.

A small victory I'm sure. The man is going to make me even more miserable when I have to work with him next, but it was so worth it.

I am going to try to blog a bit more later on, I'm still pretty tired. I've been sick on top of my depression, so I am not sure which one is making me sleep.

I miss you all though and have been making sure I keep up with everyone.

BTW Amber, Dario is on vacation, he should be back in the next couple of days.

The Slide Back Down.

I hate winter. Not sure when it happened, but, I do.

It wasn't always like this. I used to love winter. I remember as a child I loved sledding, tubbing, snowball fights, snow angels, snow forts. You name it, we did it. We wouldn't go inside until one of my brother's suffered an asthma attack and we were dragged in.

Of course, that alone invokes memories of a roaring fire, hot chocolate and, something about roasting marshmellows. All very good memories.

Of course, that was before my grandmother died.

Before our lives swooped into caos.

But, that is not the point of this particular post, so, I shall continue on.

Now, winter is nothing but crappy weather, worse roads, stupid drivers, car accidents, getting sick, doctor appointments, missed work, missed school, canceled school, and so many more that I will bore you to death if I keep going.

It also brings the holidays, which, for me, haven't been so pleasent this winter. Yes, I got gifts. Yes I spent time with my family. Still, I never >felt< the holiday spirit.

I suppose it would have something to do with the fact that my children and darling husband refused to actually enjoy it either.

I wanted the house to be filled with smells of freshly baked cookies while we made home made ornaments, or strung popcorn, singing carols or something.

But, if you've been following me, or read the archives, you'd know that was not to be in the cards for me.

So, needless to say, Valentine's Day has been both one of those. . . off and on things. I wanted to look forward to it, but, I knew what was coming.

I tried to get into the spirit of it.

Every day, starting on the first of February, my darling husband recieved a card a small gift. Seriously, nothing big at all. Little candies and such.

Then I gave him the "big" gifts. A twenty five dollar gift certificate to his favorite book store (Thanks to Amber and Dan for the idea) and a seventy five dollar gift certificate to his favorite gaming store.

I was rewarded with very little enthusiasm.

At least, in my opinion.

I had hoped for elation. I wanted him to be suprised and excited. Yet, all he did was kiss me and thank me.

I feel let down.

I did not recieve anything because we spent nearly two thousand dollars on me a couple of weeks ago for a brand new computer, moniter, printer, and digital camera. I knew I wasn't going to get anything.

Still, I suppose I had hoped he would get me at least a card.

Maybe it is me over reacting though, because I'v been battling my depression for a couple of days now.

Ever since we found a dead body at my work and I had to touch it. I can't really even go into the details, but, suffice it to say, it left me seriously messed up.

I have been suffering night terrors, which, are nothing new to me, but now they are so bad that for the first time, my children were witness to them and it scared them really bad.

I feel like a horrible mom.

I took grandma to get her hair done on Friday, got mine cut at the same time. New style. I liked it at first, but, husband didn't seem too excited over it, so, my own excitment has worn off.

I feel fat and ugly.

My bedroom is in serious need of a clean up and I don't feel like doing it.

I feel like a bad wife.

I wanted to go out to dinner with the husband for Valentine's Day, just the two of us, grandma even offered to watch the kids.

He's worried about money, so, we won't be going.

I feel unloved.

I want to cry.

I want to scream.

I want to sob.

I want this pain to stop.

I don't want to take medication again.

I hate feeling weak. I know alot of people who have depression and they don't have to take anything.

I have always had to fight. All my life. I'm sick of fighting. I want things to be right, to be simple.

I don't know how to make things right anymore. I am out of solutions.

I don't know how to make him see the things I want.

I can't just tell him, because I'm sure at this stage that is the advice I'd get. I can't though, because it feels selfish to me.

He is a full time student, he's working his ass off to get good grades, and he is getting them, straight A's so far.

I don't know, I'm just, sick of all of it.

I also know, in my mind, that this is part of my cycle. If you look back, you'll see the post where I started getting a bit manic. Everything was right, everything was good.

I always convince myself of that and then, suddenly, I hit the bottom again and I just want to curl up in a dark hole and never come out.

I hope I find my light soon. I hate the darkness.

Response To Dan's Blog

Well, as crappy as I feel, I really wanted to respond to Dan's blog. You can find his post on the right hand side bar of my blog under "According to Dan"

This is a subject very near and dear to me as I have an eleven year old daughter who, back when she was about six, was diagnosed with several "disorders"

1. Social Anxiety Disorder
A fear of social situations in which the patient is forced to be the center of attention.

2. Seperation Anxiety Disorder
An unnatural fear of losing someone close to you.

3. Obssessive Compulsive Disorder
This is hard to sum up in one sentence because it can manifest itself many different ways, but, it is a disorder that causes people to obssess over specific actions, or thoughts. Ie. Labeling everything in a very specific order, washing hands over and over for fear of germs, eleborate bedtime rituals, ect. . .

4. ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
This was pretty much the same thing that Dan described in his blog. It is the inability to pay attention to things.


After she was diagnosed, we had a serious go around with the school she attented. They wanted us to medicate her, we did not want to.

So, we did our homework, we researched, we read everything we could get our hands on. Each diagnosis had a medicine that could cure it, but, they would make the other conditions worse. This only reinforced our belief that she should not be medicated.

We ended up taking her to one of the leading specialist in our reigon for this kind of thing in children. He did an extensive exam on her and came up with the same conclusions that we did. She didn't need to be medicated.

There were several reasons I was opposed to medicating her. One was because I worked as a preschool teacher and far too many times, I had "problem" children in my class room. These kids were good kids, hyper yes, but, not to the point that they disrupted the class. Of course, in listning to the parents, these kids were horrible, so, the doctor put them on medication.

I saw first hand what the medication did to them. They slept through class, which, was a half day class to start with. They were groggy and sleepy when they were awake, they didn't want to eat anything. They were tiny little zombies and each day I saw this I was furious at the parents who didn't want to parent.

For me, this is what it boiled down to. What is easier to handle? A child who is flamboyant and full of energy or one that will sit in front of the television and do nothing all day long?

Of course, the answer is the second, but, as most of us know, it doesn't make it the >right<>if< they managed to find a medication that would help ALL of her symptoms without causing others (which was highly unlikely to start with) all we were doing was teaching her to rely on medication to solve her problems.

For us, medication is a very short term solution and our daughter has long term problems. We wanted to find a way to help her learn how to gain control over herself and be successful in her life. Drugs, even legal ones, should not be used to cope with emotional problems. In my opinion, they are not a stand alone fix.

We found that diet, proper amount of sleep, and tight rigid schedules, were very helpful in keeping our daughter focused.

I have tried to teach my sons that it is their responsibility to be respectful of women, but, it is also their responsibility to take care of the women in their life.

I agree with you Dan that alot of women do not know what they want and they somehow magically expect their mates to know what it is they want/need. I know I am guilty of it. It is very hard for me to express myself to him in a way that I feel he understands me. I refuse to use sex as a weapon though. I've blogged about that before so I won't go into it again.

I think that too many of our boys do not have good male role models in their lives. That is not to say that it is always the father's fault. I know alot of women who use thier children to get back at ex's. If they could just get the fuck over themselves and let the father's be father's, maybe things would be easier on our boys. In addition to that though, we need these father's too speak up and demand their rights. Make their children feel as if they are worth fighting for.

Thanks again Dan for a very thought provoking post. I agreed with nearly everything you said, though this is the first time I had thought about it in those terms.

Sick

Okay, so I am officialy sick.

I tried to fight it off.

I tried denying it.

All I want is to curl up and be left alone. I don't want to be cuddled. I don't want to be touched, it hurts so badly.

Even the feel of cloth against my skin hurts.

Wait, I do want to be touched, gently. I want to be pampered and spoiled and pampered.

I want hot bath and even hotter soup.

I thankfully have the day off. . . . from work anyway.

Parenting is one of those jobs where you just can't call in. Ever. I don't get sick days.

Well, sort of I do. Normally husband steps in, sends me off to bed, feeds me, and makes the children tiptoe like mice around the house.

Too bad he is as sick as I am. Which, never ever happens, so, when it does, I feel very obliged to take care of him. Cuddle him, cater to his every single whim. Anything to make him feel better.

So, if you guys don't see me for a couple more days, it's because this thing has kicked my ass into bed.

The Odd Feeling.

Sometimes I get this feeling. It is so hard to explain. My heart begins to beat faster, my stomach flutters and I want to curl up and weep.

It's how I'm feeling right now.

My heart is thumping. My hands are shaking. Every now and then I feel I might be sick. I try to slow down my breathing. I try to focus, but my mind is whirling far to fast.

I want to be a good person. I want to make the people I love happy.

I want to feel normal, even if it is for a little while. I don't want to feel like I might collapse at any second.

I don't want to be afraid to get behind the wheel of the car.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I know what the doctors would say. They've said it before. Anxiety attacks. I know this in my mind, but it doesn't help. I can't stop my body from freaking out.

I have done nothing today. Literally. I can't bring myself to get up and find something to do. I know I should be productive, but I can't.

A part of me whispers into my ear that I am letting him down, yet, the other part of me tells me if he had an issue he would speak up.

I am not so sure that he would. He does not like confrontations, and frankly, I'm a bitch sometimes.

If I could change one thing about myself, it would not be my weight, it would not be my looks, or anything to that affect.

I want to be a better wife. I want to be able to let go and allow him to control things as he sees fit.

I can't though. I have fought so hard and so long, to get to where I am right now that I am terrified of letting that go.

For six years now, he has been my mate, my husband, my best friend.

I know this because I have never allowed any one else as much freedom sexually with me, as I have him.

Still, I can't give it all up. I hate that. It is as if I don't trust him.

WHY CAN'T I GIVE IT UP COMPLETELY!?!?

I want to scream. I want to rail at the world. I want to punish the people in my life who have made it so hard for me to let go.