Sometimes I get this feeling. It is so hard to explain. My heart begins to beat faster, my stomach flutters and I want to curl up and weep.
It's how I'm feeling right now.
My heart is thumping. My hands are shaking. Every now and then I feel I might be sick. I try to slow down my breathing. I try to focus, but my mind is whirling far to fast.
I want to be a good person. I want to make the people I love happy.
I want to feel normal, even if it is for a little while. I don't want to feel like I might collapse at any second.
I don't want to be afraid to get behind the wheel of the car.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I know what the doctors would say. They've said it before. Anxiety attacks. I know this in my mind, but it doesn't help. I can't stop my body from freaking out.
I have done nothing today. Literally. I can't bring myself to get up and find something to do. I know I should be productive, but I can't.
A part of me whispers into my ear that I am letting him down, yet, the other part of me tells me if he had an issue he would speak up.
I am not so sure that he would. He does not like confrontations, and frankly, I'm a bitch sometimes.
If I could change one thing about myself, it would not be my weight, it would not be my looks, or anything to that affect.
I want to be a better wife. I want to be able to let go and allow him to control things as he sees fit.
I can't though. I have fought so hard and so long, to get to where I am right now that I am terrified of letting that go.
For six years now, he has been my mate, my husband, my best friend.
I know this because I have never allowed any one else as much freedom sexually with me, as I have him.
Still, I can't give it all up. I hate that. It is as if I don't trust him.
WHY CAN'T I GIVE IT UP COMPLETELY!?!?
I want to scream. I want to rail at the world. I want to punish the people in my life who have made it so hard for me to let go.
1 comment:
Carrying the past is such a burden, and it can be reduced. I have found a lot of help from EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). It's easy to learn the basic techniques yourself, and you can get quite a long way without spending any money. Instructional videos are very good and very cheap and I cannot recommend them highly enough.
Anxiety attacks repond well to this technique. You can see a couple of reports on my blog. The best site for EFT is here and you can download a free 79-page manual from that site. Email me if you are interested (address on blog).
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