The Slide Back Down.

I hate winter. Not sure when it happened, but, I do.

It wasn't always like this. I used to love winter. I remember as a child I loved sledding, tubbing, snowball fights, snow angels, snow forts. You name it, we did it. We wouldn't go inside until one of my brother's suffered an asthma attack and we were dragged in.

Of course, that alone invokes memories of a roaring fire, hot chocolate and, something about roasting marshmellows. All very good memories.

Of course, that was before my grandmother died.

Before our lives swooped into caos.

But, that is not the point of this particular post, so, I shall continue on.

Now, winter is nothing but crappy weather, worse roads, stupid drivers, car accidents, getting sick, doctor appointments, missed work, missed school, canceled school, and so many more that I will bore you to death if I keep going.

It also brings the holidays, which, for me, haven't been so pleasent this winter. Yes, I got gifts. Yes I spent time with my family. Still, I never >felt< the holiday spirit.

I suppose it would have something to do with the fact that my children and darling husband refused to actually enjoy it either.

I wanted the house to be filled with smells of freshly baked cookies while we made home made ornaments, or strung popcorn, singing carols or something.

But, if you've been following me, or read the archives, you'd know that was not to be in the cards for me.

So, needless to say, Valentine's Day has been both one of those. . . off and on things. I wanted to look forward to it, but, I knew what was coming.

I tried to get into the spirit of it.

Every day, starting on the first of February, my darling husband recieved a card a small gift. Seriously, nothing big at all. Little candies and such.

Then I gave him the "big" gifts. A twenty five dollar gift certificate to his favorite book store (Thanks to Amber and Dan for the idea) and a seventy five dollar gift certificate to his favorite gaming store.

I was rewarded with very little enthusiasm.

At least, in my opinion.

I had hoped for elation. I wanted him to be suprised and excited. Yet, all he did was kiss me and thank me.

I feel let down.

I did not recieve anything because we spent nearly two thousand dollars on me a couple of weeks ago for a brand new computer, moniter, printer, and digital camera. I knew I wasn't going to get anything.

Still, I suppose I had hoped he would get me at least a card.

Maybe it is me over reacting though, because I'v been battling my depression for a couple of days now.

Ever since we found a dead body at my work and I had to touch it. I can't really even go into the details, but, suffice it to say, it left me seriously messed up.

I have been suffering night terrors, which, are nothing new to me, but now they are so bad that for the first time, my children were witness to them and it scared them really bad.

I feel like a horrible mom.

I took grandma to get her hair done on Friday, got mine cut at the same time. New style. I liked it at first, but, husband didn't seem too excited over it, so, my own excitment has worn off.

I feel fat and ugly.

My bedroom is in serious need of a clean up and I don't feel like doing it.

I feel like a bad wife.

I wanted to go out to dinner with the husband for Valentine's Day, just the two of us, grandma even offered to watch the kids.

He's worried about money, so, we won't be going.

I feel unloved.

I want to cry.

I want to scream.

I want to sob.

I want this pain to stop.

I don't want to take medication again.

I hate feeling weak. I know alot of people who have depression and they don't have to take anything.

I have always had to fight. All my life. I'm sick of fighting. I want things to be right, to be simple.

I don't know how to make things right anymore. I am out of solutions.

I don't know how to make him see the things I want.

I can't just tell him, because I'm sure at this stage that is the advice I'd get. I can't though, because it feels selfish to me.

He is a full time student, he's working his ass off to get good grades, and he is getting them, straight A's so far.

I don't know, I'm just, sick of all of it.

I also know, in my mind, that this is part of my cycle. If you look back, you'll see the post where I started getting a bit manic. Everything was right, everything was good.

I always convince myself of that and then, suddenly, I hit the bottom again and I just want to curl up in a dark hole and never come out.

I hope I find my light soon. I hate the darkness.