Downward Spiral

Well, I suppose nothing ever lasts, at least in the life of a bi-polar. I tend to find that I have serious depressant episodes when I get my period. I started yesterday.

I miss my kids.

My job is boring to the point where I hate to go.

I am getting old and I live in low income housing.

I want to provide more for my kids then I had and I'm failing.

I will miss my son's birthday.

I miss hearing them laugh.

My stomach hurts.

I feel as if there is no end in sight to the sadness and despair. I have no right to talk. Perhaps it is because my friend has informed me that the reason they can't have kids is because of him. He says it could be cancer, or an infection, or something else, but whatever it is, has to do with him.

The thought that it might be cancer is horrifying. I love this man. As much as I do my own husband. He has been there for me over the last six years. I have bared my heart and soul to him and not only are we still friends, but he loves me for it. I refuse, at the moment, to even contemplate that it is something this horrible.

The second and most pressing part of this tragedy is that this man would make an awsome father. Now mind you, you might think I'm crazier then hell, but, we have never met in real life, but, I know this man well enough that by mutual agreeance, Chris and I have requested that he be the Godfather to our children. That's right. If we both die, our children will not go to our families, they will go to this man that we've never met. Why? Because he has shown more love and support to not only me, but to Chris and our children in the last six years then anyone outside of this house. He has watched them grow, he has laughed and cried with us, he has talked me through the worst things that my kids have been through. He is thoughtful and insightful, he works hard, he loves fiercely and has been more loyal than I ever felt I deserved.

It is a tragidy that so many women can come and go spitting out children along the way to be abandoned. They have no regard for the lives of their own children, yet, people like this man who has every thing in the world to offer a child, including huge amounts of love, are robbed of this chance. I want to weep for him. I want to scream about the unfairness of it all.

I wanted to write about the journey that my daughter took but I think I will save that for tomarrow, right now I am too drained to do much more than this.

Please forgive me if I haven't posted comments on your blogs. I am reading them each night when I return home from work, but I simply do not have the energy to type much. Please know that I am still here and with you all.