I am hardly ever alone.
I have three kids and a husband, and I spend alot of my time online in a chat room with people I've known for years. People I love and adore.
I feel horribly lonely though.
I feel like a third wheel in anything that is done or said.
I feel like an outsider.
Maybe it is my bi-polar sneaking up on me. I don't know. I have so many things going through my mind, my emotions are on a rollar coaster.
I feel disconnected.
Like a broken toy discarded on the floor. Forgotten. Abandoned.
The rational part of me tells me this isn't true. All those that I love in my life are still here for me, but I can't stop the way I >feel< about it.
I want to cry, I want to scream. I have to stay strong.
I'm tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong for me. I'm tired of doing the math in my head and trying to figure out how everything is going to be all right.
I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I feel betrayed.
My whole family has been suffering from the flu and it's nearly impossible to tell where the sickness ends and where it begins anymore. Coughing over here, throwing up over there.
Nothing that I was supposed to do has gotten done.
Chris and I have been fighting like crazy because I can't articulate my thoughts and feelings properly.
Everything he says and does makes me feel bad. Even if that stupid rational part of me tells me I'm over reacting.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Take last night for example. We decided to go to bed. He goes in to the bedroom, I stop at the bathroom. When I come in I start to remove my clothes, he says "Put on something nice for me" which, in my fucked up twisted mind translated into "You are not sexy enough as you are, you are fat and ugly" and I wanted to cry. I didn't want to make love anymore. I ask him, because surely that isn't how it meant it. He snaps at me. Which, translated to me "Get your ass over here and fuck me because that is what is important"
I climb into bed and he reaches over and clicks the telivision off, which, translated to me to be "I can't stand to make love to you with the lights on. I don't want to see your fat ass"
I take a few deep breaths and wrap my arms around him, whispering softly into his ear "Just hold me, for a minute please"
He of course, starts rubbing my back, my ass, and towards my breasts while nuzzling and kissing my neck.
To me that translated to "I don't feel like just holding you, I'm ready to fuck, even if you're not"
I started to cry at this point and he stops, asks me what the hell is going on. I don't tell him all these little translations, because honestly, it wasn't so clear to me last night. I just explained I needed him to hold me. He said he was. We went over how his idea of "holding me" was very different then mine at the moment.
A few more misunderstandings and we were on our way. Of course, making love was beautiful as always and, I had an orgasm with him on top, which, happens maybe once a year or so.
Afterwards, I wanted to be held, to be cuddled and loved and cherished. All I got was "That took the last of my energy" just before he dozed off.
I barely slept all night, wondering where things had went so wrong. Am I not the women he wants me to be? Have I failed somehow? Have I gotten too fat?
I am so insecure about myself right now that I can't stand it.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just take what is said at face value and leave it at that? Why is everything a battle?
I am so sick of this.
This morning, in my chat room. There were a couple of things said. Of course, somewhere, I read them all wrong and I got upset and I left.
It made Chris angry.
My friends were angry.
Even when you are surrounded by people you love, you can feel utterly alone.
3 comments:
*hugs*
I feel like that sometimes too, especially about being fat since I am like 40 pounds heavier than I was when I met MJ. I get so irritated and everything that MJ says and does is wrong. Usually for me it is PMS, but sometimes I just get like that for no reason. It's really hard, and I can suck at communication, so we get our messages crossed and confused and all hell breaks loose.
I don't know what to say that will help, besides reminding you that you are not alone :) Take care, hope you feel normal again soon.
oh darlin`,
I know just how you feel. I wish I could give you a hug, because at times that is what I need so badly and it helps so much.
Bi-polar sucks, I know. I'm still going through the phases of learning to control mine and some days, especially with all the drama going on it is so hard and I just want to curl up and hide. It's also hard on my kids, harder than anybody realises and sometimes I think they are the real victims. Something triggers off mum and they suffer.
I was going to email you, but I don't know if I have your email addy. If I don't drop me a line with it at danerah@hotmail.com. I'd love to talk to you some more.
*hugs*
D who is being you who is really me!
It always amazes me when I find so much understanding, support and acceptance from people I've never met.
Tempation:>returns the hug< My weight has been an issue for me for a long time. I bounce alot. He says he likes me the way I am, that he's too big for some toothpick of a girl. (I'd like to try that theory though)
Dee: Bi-polar is the fancy word for manic-depressant. For me, though not for all, I go through this "high" periods where everything is beautiful and wonderful and right with the world. Without warning, without reason, I feel like the most worthless piece of trash on the planet. I can trace my horribleness all the way back to my childhood when I get going. I pick and I pick, until I finally blow. Then slowly I begin to go up again until all is right with my world once more. It is horrible and exhausting. Thank you so much for your words of support, glad to have you reading.
D'Angeline: Oh sweetie, you have no idea how many times I think that to myself. My children are my life and I know they are suffering because of me. My mother has it, my grandmother had it, and so did her mother. My daughter already has been diognosed and I can see symptoms of it in my youngest. I scare myself when I hit the bottom. My only saving grace is that, even in my darkest moments, I can remember to tell them I love them. Even if it is through the tears and shaking shoulders, they hear it from me. IT SUCKS, but it is the best I have to offer them.
Angel: Glad to see you back in blog land sweetie. Chris tries. Lord knows I would have walked out on him had be put me through half the crap I've put him through. I must say however, I have worked hard to hold myself to the same standards ever since I realized that.
Sea Rabbit: Gosh girl. I am glad to hear therapy is helping. I miss reading what you have to say. As far as >me< going into therapy, I am a firm believer that they can't teach me anything I don't already know. From the time that I was eight until I was nearly twenty I went to therapy on a regular basis. No trick they ever taught made the bad feelings go away. Knowing what bi-polar is, doesn't help make it better. All the affirmations on this side of the Mississippi won't change how I feel. It is a sickness and I just have to suck it up and work it out myself. That way I know what will work best for me the next time. Blogging is definantly a bonus. I hope you keep reading and things continue to go well for you!
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