A Jumble

Well, so much has been going on I don't know where to start. I have so many thoughts and emotions right now that I am struggling to put them all down to words.

I have been given such amazing support. The love and friendship I have been shown recently is beyond words. You see, growing up, I had alot of "friends", but, only because I was related to some of the biggest drug dealers in our town. I never paid for drugs, ever. I was so hungry for friendship that I didn't realize that I was simply being used until after I had given up drugs and watched my "friends" drop off like flies, save one.

This however is differant. Those here who have shown me friendship, love and support, gain nothing from me in return, except the return of love, friendship and support. I don't have to provide them anything in way of materialistic things. Simply my words, my love, support and friendship are enough for them. For me, this is a phenomenon. My heart feels near bursting with emotion over it.

The asswipe that left the nasty comment does not even deserve mention. I will however state that I agree with most of you, he/she is a sad pathetic soul and should seek some serious mental issues.

I had a hard time with what was said because as most abuse victims, I have felt that sense of blaming. Did I say something? Do something? Was it what I was wearing? Maybe I turned the wrong way and he saw too much?

I have been in sitations where I have been sexually abused, molested by people I loved and trusted, and yes, in some of those circumstances, I even orgasmed during some of these attacks. However, I will continue to call them what they were, attacks, abuse. I did not ask for them, I did not want them. With all but a select few circumanstances, I did say no. Despite what some people think, no can mean just that. NO!

I do not control my body however. When you are cold, the heat feels good, when you are warm, the cold feels good. This is a chemical reaction to stimuli and I refuse to allow some nameless person make me feel bad because of something I could not control. It was the chemicals in my body reacting, not me, not my heart that was breaking, not my soul that felt like it was being ripped out, not my mind that had to drift to other places just to be able to make it through the nightmare.

I am also struggling with why I am submissive after all that has happened to me. It is something that keeps coming up in conversations between me and those close to me who know about my life, as well as between myself and Chris. I have no answers.

My submission (if that is the label it is destined to have) goes beyond our bedroom. I love to serve Chris. I cook for him, I clean our home and take pride in it for him. His praise fills me with a feeling of love, acceptance and a warmth I have never before felt. I enjoy kneeling at his feet to watch tv, I love to serve him his dinner.

I have learned, in the beginning, from reading the blog of a woman named Amber, and then later on through blogs and conversations with others, that what I feel, what I want, what I desire, are healthy normal feelings. I am not hurting anyone. It makes me happy, it makes my husband happy, when you have happy parents, you have happy children. This has made my home full of harmony. No one will convince me that this is a bad thing.

Probably the best thing about this journey has been the fact that we have been forced to communicate alot more then we used to. It used to be very hard for me to talk to him about things. Sometimes it still is. Not nearly as bad as it was. I do not feel so alone anymore, and right now, I can honestly say that when I do feel lonely, it is more a product of my bi-polar than anything. Now, mind you, there is going to come a time when no amount of reasoning is going to convince me of that, it's just how my mind works.

I can say though, that while Chris and I have decided to give up the label of "submissiveness" for me, it does not change how I feel towards him, or him towards me. I was feeling constantly like a failure because he would want to have sex and I didn't want to, so we didn't. This felt as if I was running things but making him responsible. If he questioned me "I thought you were supposed to do what I say" I would freak out. This was not what I had intended, it was not what he had intended. For us, the label didn't work because then guilt would kick in, self doubts would rise, I would question myself and wonder why I was always failing at everything that I do. This just takes the expectation out of it. He will still spank me. I will continue to serve him as I always have, and we will be happy with one another. There may come a time when it changes again, so be it, good marriages are about change. Learning to compromise with one another, try new things. I feel as if I have one of the better marriages out there. (Not directed towards those I know, just, statistics in general) .

Speaking of which, Chris and I are nearing our 6th wedding anniversary in the next couple of weeks as well as birthdays for both of us. I don't think I've ever mentioned my age, but, I will be turning 30 this year and that is, as stupid as it sounds, heavy on my mind. I will probably post alot about this later on.

Bear with me for the rest of this week as we are still working overtime. I have to take it now because next week I am going in for oral surgery. I have to have four teeth removed immediatly, they are hurting so bad that it is keeping me from sleeping. Chris finally dragged me into the dentist today and of course he did alot of preaching about how I should have come in a long time ago to have them worked on. Well, I didn't have insurance. I am terrified of dentists. The pain wasn't so bad. I could go on and on about why I didn't go, but, the result is the same. I am going to have four teeth removed and then return to the dentist to see about getting partials put in.

I am reading each of you, maybe not everyday, but, I start at the top of my list and read as many of you as I can. Most of you know I am not a daily commenter anyway, but I am here, I am reading, I am bearing testimony to your stories and my heart is with all of you.

Thank you for being here for me.