Motherhood

I would have to say the single most life altering moment in my life, was when my oldest child was born. She was so beautiful. Raven black hair and blue eyes. I actually assumed her eyes would change since mine are brown, but they didn't and within a year, she was as blonde as blonde could be.
She was such a good baby too. She hardly ever fussed. Was sleeping through the night at only a few weeks old. Little did I know that my peaceful world would turn upside within a few years. Hehe.
Now she is eleven and she is so much my daughter it scares me. I look at her and I see myself. I simply pray she does not make my mistakes.
I see a little girl who is full of love, and a desire to please, only, she wants to please those that make her insecure about their friendships, or their love. Like her dad, or her friends. She knows my husband and I love her. She doesn't have to >do< anything to be loved or liked by us. It just simply is. I see a little girl who is too anxious to be a grown up. Ready for her period. Ready for a boyfriend. I found a note she wrote to a boy where she said she loved him and he wrote back saying he loved her too. There was also a poster which one of her friends wrote on the back of, I'm not sure if it was a game or what, but, I would hope so, some of it left me disturbed. I will write more on this later.
Already though, she has passed over some of my mistakes. (knock on wood). I was no longer a virgin by the time I was her age. Yes, at the tender age of barely eleven I was "deflowered". Not that I had allot of choice in the matter, nor was I a stranger to forced sexual acts. My grandfather sexually molested me when I was only eight years old (thank god my daughter didn't have to go through that) and when I was nine or so, my older brother sodomized me in front of a couple of his friends. They didn't care that it hurt, or that I was crying for them to stop. This brother was only three years older then me and all these boys were in his class at school. To this day I wonder "What was he thinking about in those moments?" anyway, another horror she will never have to survive.
I may not always feel like the best mom, sometimes even paranoid and over protective, but, at least I know I am doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. She is growing up though, faster then I could have ever imagined. I'm so afraid of her growing up and us losing our connection. Even now, we don't talk as much as we used to. When I question her about things, she gets defensive. I want to transition into a place where she can confide things to me, come to me with questions, no matter what they are about.
I have been very candid about sex with her. When we caught her exploring her body, I sat down with her and talked about masturbation. I was gentle and loving. I never made her feel bad ( at least I did my very best not to) I simply told her that it is something we only do in private. That we do not do it where others might walk in and see us, but, that it was nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, now my stress factor has skyrocket through the roof, guess I'm gonna go before this turns into something other then a "motherhood" topic.
Nikki