A Continuation

Sea Rabbit made me think of a couple of things as I read her comment. I started out by putting this into the comment section, but realized I had alot to say about it.

It's true that men use sex as a weapon. I spent seven years married to a man who thought I was his personal fuck toy. Now, coming from someone who is delving into a dom/sub lifestyle all on her own free will, that might sound a little contridictoray. Let me tell you the difference. My first husband, did not care about me or my needs. He did not love me, or treat me as a person, in or out of our bedroom.

With my husband, I know that no matter what we experiment with, he loves me. He would never do anything that would scar me physically, or emotionally. This has made me feel safe enough to venture into places I had never been before. He makes me feel safe and secure. I want to serve him, to please him, to be the perfect wife and mother for him and our children. I had no such desires for my ex. I loved him, but I never felt the need to kneel between his legs and worship him the way I do my husband.

Anyway, the ex would demand sex from me. If I was not in the mood, or I was sick, or whatever happened to be the issue, he would guilt me. He would belittle me and tell me I was not keeping up on my wedding vows, that I was a failure as a wife, that I needed to have sex with him, even if I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed. That was the kind of lover he was. Selfish to the max. He actually raped me several times. Once was even while our daughter lay less then ten feet from us. He knew I wouldn't scream. Knew there was nothing I could do. He made me believe that even if I reported it, it wouldn't be taken seriously because he was my husband, that was his right.

He would use this to bargin with me. He is an alchoholic and many nights were spent fighting over the fact that he had taken his entire paycheck and treated whoever happened to be at the bar to drinks all night and would come home with nothing. Nothing. No way to pay the rent, or the light bills, or buy diapers for our baby. He left me with nothing and hell yes we would fight over it. The sex thing came in, when he wanted to do something. He would promise not to ask me for sex, if I would let him go hang out with his friends, or go drinking at his mom's house, or whatever he wanted to do.

How funny it seems to me that only now, after Sea Rabbits comment, did I realize how much he used sex to control me. Not the threat of not having it, but the threat that we >would< have it. Not only were we married seven years, but, it has now been almost seven years since our divorce. Fourteen years and it just dawned on me.

Wich sort of leads into the rest of her comment. About how these people must not like sex. I don't think it is so much that they don't like >sex< as it is that they don't like who they are having sex with. My selfish ex husband did nothing for me. We had to keep a tube of KY or Vasaline next to the bed for lubrication. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me because no amount of foreplay could get me wet.

Now, I have to laugh at that notion. My husband >looks< at me a certain way and I can feel myself getting wet. There are many times when we are making love when we will have to take a breather so I can dry off a little bit. The man excites me, his touch makes me shiver and I feel it somewhere deep inside of me.

I learned this long ago when my husband and I were first together. Even now it sometimes suprised me, but, it does tell me that it was never me that had the problem. It was my ex. His lack of love, caring, and understanding of what I like.

So, for all of you out there, who are using sex as a weapon. Stop, look at yourself, ask yourself why you are doing that. Make sure that the person you are with, is the one that you >want< to be with, the one that stirs that something deep inside of you. Make sure that you give your all to that person. Talk to them. You have no idea how great good communication is for a relationship. Don't think your partner will listen? What do you have to loose? Think about that. Think about how they feel each time they realize that you are not having sex with them because you love them, but because you can get something, or, get out of something, by giving or not giving sex. Try it, just once. I for one, am going to go tell my husband just how much he means to me.