Don't give up on me.

I am still here. I am still struggling.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

It isn't just the money though. I wanted to make that clear. Matter of fact, the money is only a means to an end.

I have been poor my whole life. It is how I was born and raised, and I have done alot better for my children that was done for me.

I remember a time when we had to eat our goverment cereal with water because we couldn't afford milk. My children have never had to do that. We might not eat steaks and caviar every night, well, never caviar, yuck, but, the point is our children are well fed and it will always be that way.

You see, I'm so tired of fighting. I have had to fight all my life for things that should be basic things for most people. Food, respect, love, and safety. Now I have to fight to give those things to my children.

I do not want them to grow up telling stories about how poor we were. I want them to remember their childhood as a happy time. A time where they were loved, protected, and provided for.

Love, protection, that I can provide. For the rest of it, money is what it takes. It sucks, but, that is the bottom line of it.

If we don't have money to get the van fixed, I have no way to get to work, I lose my job, and Chris can't make it to school.

Thankfully his family has stepped up to help us out. As painful as the story is, the van is being worked on and with a little bit of luck and the touch of an angel's wing, it will run properly, or, more to the point, stop properly. They have been picking up Chris and taking him to school because his dad went on a terrible rant saying that there was no way in hell that he was going to let Chris drop his classes after all that we've done to get him where he is.

Even though things are looking up, the darkness lingers. It is part of my bi-polar and it is something that I have to struggle with for the rest of my life. I have no sex drive, hell, I don't have the drive for anything right now.

I have turned to those who have supported me in hopes of finding my way out of this. I hate this feeling. I hate the suffocation. I want to laugh again, I want to smile and stop being so paranoid.

Tonight at work, I almost walked out because my nerves were so shot, my hands were shaking and my heart was thumping in my chest. I talked to my supervisor and I told him I needed some extra breaks for the night and he told me to do what I needed to do. I went into the bathroom and cried for a long time.

Please don't give up on me. I know I've not be consistant in my posting, and what I have posted has been depressing and probably not a lot of fun to read, but, honestly, I am trying as hard as I can to get back to a better place.

Again, I want to say thank you to those who have supported me. You know who you are and my heart constricts when I think of how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.