Once more I am swallowed by darkness. I am chasing the light out of my life and I don't know how to stop it.
I finally reached a point where I was willing to allow the darkness to swallow. I was welcoming it, encouraging it to suck me down into it's depths, a familarity in it that was almost a relief as I relaxed and allowed it to begin it's smother.
Despair and I are old friends. Or nemisis. Whatever.
We are connected, intertwined in a way that very few people can understand fully.
He comes to visit me and we wrestle for control of my heart, my mind, even my soul.
I am tired of fighting him. I don't know how much longer I can do it. It is so much easier to just let him win.
I know I need help. I can't get it. I can't go to a doctor and explain why I need medication that is stronger. I can't go to a therapist. I just can't.
They will lock me up. They will say I am a danger to myself and to others. Maybe I am, but, Chris will keep the children safe from me. Keep them from seeing how consumed I am with Despair right now. I can't go back to being locked up, I just can't. I can't lose my kids. It would kill me. I know alot of people think that it won't happen, but, I know the system, I know how it works. I spent 8 years in the system, being abused in every way possible, at least I have enough love for my children not to hurt them, no matter how bad I get. They won't believe me though. They never do, because they don't want to. They want to keep me locked up and I just.. I just can't.
I do need to apologize, for anyone who came across the post I deleted. I know that at least one person read it and was scared witless. I am okay. For the moment, I have Chris and he won't let anyone lock me up. He will keep me safe.
5 comments:
i know that darkness well. it threatens to consume me as well sometimes. i know that at those times, nothing anyone says can help. sometimes sleeping for long periods helps. sometimes sunshine helps. sometimes nothing helps.
just remember that these dark times pass. they fade, gradually becomeing only memories.
take care.
I hate when i go into the darkness. Seems like i'm stuck there forever and that the light will never come. When it does though,.......isn't it wonderfully blissfull? for awhile.
Love ya.
HUGS
Nikki...I've deleted blogs too.
Before anyone ever read them. :-)
:-)
{{{{{{{{{{{Nikki}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You're not "dark".
You're not damaged.
You...if you are like me, like I used to be...you go through moments where you hate yourself. But you would never hurt your children; that part isn't an issue.
:-)
If you are like me (and I'm all I have to compare to anyone, so please forgive if I'm wrong) if you are like me...you hate yourself for the mistakes you *think* you have made.
But...to be honest...weren't most of those things mistakes other people made?
Not you.
And the ones you made yourself, as we all do... aren't you busy making up for those?
The people who love you are so much better off WITH you than without you. They cannot do without you... They love you..so much, so very much.
We all do. {{{{hugs}}}}
Turn to Chris and trust him. Turn to him; don't be afraid. :-)
Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.......you gotta do what is necessary to see to your well being. Maybe you don't have to do it for yourself, but for those that love you and care about you. When the darkness is on you and you are feeling the world would be a better place without you - it's just the darkness talking and you know it.
I won't pretend that I can relate to your problems. I've had my darkness, still do, but it springs from a different well.
I'm of a mind it is a good thing to hang around if only to piss off those that don't like you.
i found you thru lili and buffalo. i have seen your link there for months but for some reason i came to visit today.
i existed in that place you seem to be now. i don't have an answer; i don't know any book. i agreed to madness remedies i never would have had i been sane. i don't think anything the doctors did helped.
i stood up because i was tired of crawling.
i threw all of their potions in the trash.
i am trying with all my might to forgive mostly myself.
tears run down my face and my hands shake because i really wish i had something of great value to tell you.
little by little some good people have come into my life. sometimes i ask for a little something just because it is so hard for me to even ask for the time of day. like one day i asked lili for her opinion about something i wrote. i couldn't have done that 6 months ago.
i am not crawling any more. but life is far from perfect; just a little bit better because i decided i was worth it.
each morning i get up and stand, knowing that i did not do anything to deserve the darkness.
and the next day i stand again.
i lost many years.
i hope you find a way that works for you.
i'll come back and see you.
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