Blanket Party

Two days after Krista left and I still didn’t have a new roommate. There were whispers that a new girl was coming in and they were talking about putting her with me. I knew it was because they thought that maybe I could finally make a friend if she was given the chance to know me before the other girls.

More importantly though this was the night of Lorie’s first weekend pass and she was very excited. She invited me up to her room to talk to her while she packed. She told me of her boyfriend back home and I was actually very surprised. I knew that there was a romantic relationship between her and one of the guys there, his name was Brett. I think it was the first question I had actually ever been able to ask her about herself and it just sort of spilled out of my mouth.

“Don’t you love Brett?”
She gave me a highly amused look and asked me “What makes you think that?”
”Because you were kissing him”
”You saw that?”
”Lorie, everyone saw that”
”How did everyone see that?”
“He looked like he was choking you with his tongue”

This seriously cracked her up and she laughed for a long time over it before she tipped her head ever so slightly, her blue eyes narrowed at me, as if looking for an answer to something before she calmly stated.
“You really >are< that young aren’t you?”

This made me mad and I scowled at her, which, seemed only to amuse her more. She was still grinning at me when she asked me “Are you a virgin?”
I was pretty sure I knew what that meant, but I wasn’t one hundred percent, so I fired back at her “Are you?!”
She shook her head at me “No, not for a long time” she looked almost sad as she said it.
“Well neither am I” of course, I still was, but, I wasn’t about to tell her that and I squared my shoulders back and watched her carefully for the sign that this was the secret code to get into this club I had been excluded from for so long. Maybe they just hadn’t gotten around to asking me yet and this was my chance.
She stopped in the middle of what she was doing and stood there watching me with a shirt hanging from her fingertips, I bravely held her gaze and I began to hear that all to familiar buzzing in my ears, telling me something was going to happen now. I watched as she carefully lay the shirt that she had been about to pack down on the bed, I blinked but refused to look away or show any sign of weakness least I fail this test, whatever it was.

She reached out and tried to put her arms around and pull me into a hug. I remember her voice was softer then I had ever heard before and my entire body was on high alert. She was either going to bring me into the fold, or beat the crap out of me and I still wasn’t sure which one yet.
“Nikki, you don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not and you don’t have to hide who you are, just be yourself”
My hands shot out and I pushed her away from me, my voice rising “I don’t want to be me! No one likes me! It is easy for you, you are pretty and smart and the other kids like you! They hate me!”

She was shocked at my outburst; I could tell by the way she just stared at me with the blank expression on her face. I didn’t care; I wanted someone to hurt as much as I did right then, right there.
“I like you” is what she said. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want her to like me. I wanted her to hate me to. I didn’t want to have to have a friend and I didn’t want anyone else to rely on me. I wasn’t capable of taking care of myself, I absolutely did not want anyone else coming to me, yet, a small part of me ached to be this girl’s friend.

It was an ache deep inside my chest that began to spread and only seemed to get worse when I looked at her, her arms held out to me and for a brief moment, I thought of how it would feel to let someone hold me, comfort me, really be there for me. The ache changed to a gnawing hunger and I could feel myself softening towards her as the tears slipped down my face, my hands trembling even though I was digging my nails into my arms. I choked back a sob, knowing that once the damn was broken, it would all be over for me, I would never be able to stop the flow of tears that were just hovering there, threatening to destroy me. I thought for a second of what it would be like not to have the pain anymore and I took a step towards her, my eyes still locked onto hers.

The door opened and a staff member stepped in “Lorie, your ride is here”
“Just a minute” she said but, we both knew at that moment it was too late.
The moment the door opened the spell was broken and she could see in my eyes that the wall had just slammed down again, more firmly in place then ever before, cutting off the chance we had, the chance >I< had.

I still wonder, if I had taken her hand, if I had let her take me in her arms and allowed her to comfort me, would it have changed anything? Would it have made a difference? I think maybe, in a small way it would have. I think that maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone and maybe I would have felt as if I was worthy of being loved.

The sad fact is though, that I didn’t take what was offered and Lorie was off for her weekend pass with a quick pat on my shoulder and a host of giggles as she ran downstairs.

I headed back into my room to study. I didn’t have homework, but studying passed the time away from the other kids. I stretched out on my stomach and lay with my head in my hands, staring at my math book and began to do the problems for the next day in my head.

I must have dozed off, because I certainly didn’t hear the door open, or the group of girls who entered my room, at least not until it was too late.

The blanket came down over the top of me and my face was immediately pushed into the bed tightly, to keep me from screaming. Pain shot through my back at the first punch and again through my side as I was hit there. I tried to turn over, it was like being caught in an iron grip, my head was forced into the bed, and my arms were pinned. I tried to kick at them, my mind screaming as I fought the red haze that offered right there on the verge of my vision. It came closer as more pain poured down on me from above. My lungs were burning, I couldn’t get enough air. I tried to lift my head with everything I had, just to get one more desperately needed breath of air and was rewarded with a blow to the head that left me reeling. The fight went out of me and I knew that it was almost over when I began to see small white spots floating in the distance. My muscles relaxed and I let my eyes close on their own.

I felt myself being turned over and I could hear them breathing but not a one of them said a word, more blows fell, this time on my face, my stomach, my arms, and my chest. I can’t say in reality how long the beating lasted, it seemed like a very long time to me.

The pain had been so intense that even after they left, I didn’t have the energy to pull the blanket off of my face for quiet some time.

When I finally could move, the blanket had stuck to the blood and wounds on my face and it hurt to peel it off. I was so cold and I shivered violently as I tried to make my mind tell me what I was meant to be doing. I stumbled off the bed and onto the floor. I lay there, wanting to cry, but, unable to find it in there anywhere. I hurt so bad, inside and out, physically and mentally.

Finally, I scooted under the bed and that is where I lay. In the darkness as I thought of all the bad things I did. I went over all the teachings in my life, searching for an answer, one particular thing I did that was so bad that I deserved to be punished. I prayed for a sign that it would soon be over and I would be forgiven and that maybe one day my mommy would love me again.

There were no answers that night. Just a lonely broken little girl who grew up into a broken woman, struggling to fit herself together again so that she can be worthy of the love that has finally been given to her.

To this day, I still flip out if blankets are drawn over my head.