Let Down

Right, so it is not my fault that I did not blog. My computer has been being worked on since my last post. Not that anything major went wrong with it, but for some reason it wouldn’t let me play the game we pay fifteen dollars a month for.

So, I have been writing down what I was going to post about. Had something great written, but, then my mother called me. As I’ve mentioned, they have been talking about moving here for months. They said they we were just waiting for the spring to arrive so that they wouldn’t have to travel in the middle of winter.

Chris told me not to get my hopes up. I did anyway. Imagining all the fun things about being around my mother that I’ve missed. I would an adult to go to church with me and the kids. I would have someone to play cards with and cook for once in a while. Someone that spend time with my kids, my mother loves to sew and craft and I just don’t have time for it much anymore with me working and getting ready to go to school. My sewing machine hasn’t been threaded in probably two years. I miss her spontaneity, she shows up at the house, wants to take me shopping or to lunch, or to get my hair done.

I don’t go out anywhere, I stay at home with Chris. One reason is because he won’t allow me to, but also because it is where I am most comfortable. When we lived near my mom, she was the one person who could coax me out of the house and I was looking forward to it.

I was looking forward to spending time with my father, watching him interact with my kids. I miss his stories about when he was a kid and what it was like to grow up so long ago. I miss hugging him. He is the most huggable man I know besides Chris.

I am disappointed, but all I could say when she told me was “You have to do what feels right for you” It is what my dad said to me when we moved away. I couldn’t make him feel bad for his decision.

I worry about what my mother is going to do when my father dies. My brother’s will descend like a pack of wolves on his stuff, not offering any comfort to her at all. I worry that I have missed my last chance to see him alive and see him spend time with my kids.

I wish I could change things, but, everything happens for a reason. I have to keep telling myself that or I will go absolutely crazy. I can only pray that God gives me strength to get through this disappointment.

I should be used to my mother letting me down, she’s done it to me my whole life, but it still hurts so badly. I wish I could stop needing her love and approval so much. Most of all, I pray that I never make any of my kids feel like this.