I have returned. Thank you to every single one of you who has remained faithful in my long absence and those of you who have taken the time out of your lives to email me. Your love and support is overwhelming.
My life has been full of ups and downs, littered with bright days among the dark skies of my heart.
I am nearing the end of my first semester of school and I am averaging an A in all subjects. I am been promoted not once, not twice, but three times at my job since we last spoke. My beautiful daughter is going to be turning 13 in a few weeks. I have become a great aunt for the first time to a healthy baby boy. I have been assured though, by the nephew who is responsible for my new status, that I have always been great.
So why, with so many great things taking place in my life, am I plagued by sadness in my heart? Why must I struggle so hard to beat back the constant nagging fears in my mind? Why is it so easy for me to believe the people in my life would be better off if I were dead?
Yes my faithful and new readers, amidst all my blessings I have contemplated suicide. I sat for hours and cried, debating the pros and cons of what I wanted to do. I asked myself if a letter to my husband and children would ease the guilt that always comes to families of suicide victims. Do I have the right to do that to ease my own pain? While I eventually spoke to Chris about this, I really scared myself. I thought of ways I could do it. I thought of places I could go. I also sat and thought of what I would write to the ones that I loved. I am angry that in the end instead of feeling relief that I wasn't going to, I felt as if I am chained to this life. I can not hurt my family that way no matter how bad my pain is. I can't continue to live the way I have been and I can't end it myself, so I must make more changes.
I have already made so many changes that I barely recognize who I am anymore.
I feel disconnected from my dearest friends. For a while now I have felt disconnected from even my husband. I do not get to spend enough time with my children and that is hard for me. Chris told me the other night when I got home that my daughter wanted to write me a letter, when he asked her why, she said it was because she never sees me and misses me. I was conflicted between good and bad. On one hand, my daughter misses me and that means she loves me and values our relationship, on the other hand it means that I am not here for her enough and as a girl who is struggling to find herself as a young lady, I should be.
My boys received word yesterday that their beautiful teacher had lost her battle with cancer. The older boy did not say anything at all about it to Chris; however the younger boy was very sad. I was not here for him. This is the first time any of my children have had death touch their lives and I could not wrap my arms around him and comfort him.
I think I have missed my writing more then I had realized. I have missed pouring out my heart and letting go of it. I did better when I was blogging about my past then I ever have in my whole life. I need to get back to that. I need to start letting go. See, what happened was that I started to let go. I let go of the more minor things that took place, and while that helped me in many ways, it's also like peeling away carpet and finding out there is something worse underneath. I have not had to face these things in many years and I tremble to think of the daunting task of peeling back those layers too. I am scared. No, I am terrified. All I can do now is pray that I am strong enough to face it. God help me.
5 comments:
WoW..I am glad you are back. :) I checked everyday to see if there was any word from you. I am sorry that life is taken its toll on you
devotion
I am so very pleased that you are back! I had gotten a bit worried but could not find your email address anymore.
So very distressed that this time has been so very difficult for you. I so understand the rationalizations that go along with deciding that your family would be better off without you. It all seems so logical at the time. But remember, the guilt would be horrible, I've seen it for remaining family members. Please TALK to someone soon be it online friends, family, or a therapist. It will help just to get it out of your head constantly beating the hell out of yourself. REMEMBER to allow yourself some of the patience and loving forgiveness you so generously give others and remind yourself that no one is perfect and you don't expect it from others so why do you destroy yourself because you cannot always be what or how you would wish?
Please hang in there and write for yourself!
Blessed be!
HEY! You showed up on chat one day while I was running out the door and then you didn't come back later like you promised! Bad Nikki! ;-P
Look...Nikki...must you go to school right now? I mean...what is the purpose of it? I'm all for higher education in its place. But family and mental health comes first.
You've gotten three promotions, you have children who miss you, a husband who needs you and most of all...you are feeling too stressed out, if I may be so bold to say.
I never read so much about suicidal feelings from you on this blog until you started school.
When my mom's cancer accelerated, I was taking additional college courses at night, ran my own business during the day and I had the kids of course with all their needs and soccer and Little League and all that.
Something had to give.
And it wasn't my mom, nor my kids, nor my business, nor my husband.
I dropped the classes.
Maybe drop back to one class? You can always go back, Nikki. The college isn't going to go anywhere.
Big hugs to you and look me up next time you're on Gmail, please? :-) {{{hugs}}}
Thank you Devotion, it's nice to meet you. Dee, as always sweetie, your words ring true, however I always find I am my own worst enemy and it is so easy to forgive others rather then myself.
Angel, I will email you my number again, I've missed our chats.
Amber, dear dear Amber, don't ever think you have to hold back what you want to say here. I appreciate your honesty and I value the friendship we have developed. I would never believe you to say something to me to simply hurt me, so even if what you say is something I might not like, I know that it is an honest, caring heart that says it, so I will always stop to reflect on it. I am not going to take classes over the summer. While suicidal thoughts is nothing new to me, I can normally control them by thinking of my family and the hurt they would suffer and that is enough to snap me back to reality. This time was different and my thoughts when much farther, much darker then they have in a very long time and I was very afraid. Thank you for not judging me for that.
I came across your journal thru a link..and read this post. I want you to know that you are in my prayers...I pray for you to have strength and for the darkness to lift. Please know that at times it is very important to talk to someone and to ask for help. Your family will forever be changed if you are not there...you are needed and loved by them...and so very important. Essential! ~D
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