Guilt is a very strange emotion. It is something that one feels on their own. It isn't something that some one else can >make< you feel.
I am feeling alot of guilt and helplessness lately. Oh, not over the thing with Chris. I have been told that it is over, and I am to be done with it. Surprisingly that helped. No No this is more.
I feel guilty because someone I love very deeply is slipping away from me. Maybe not so much slipping as being pushed. Maybe this person is simply tired of dealing with my shit. I am emotional baggage at best and at my worst I'm a full-blown bitch. This person has stuck with me for more years than I can count even though we've never met in real life. I think this person has finally reached the end of the rope and I cannot do anything to change it. I want to. Oh, how I want to. I am so terrified of being hurt again that I just don't know how. How do I protect my heart and still be open and honest? This is what was asked of me. Somehow though I feel that this isn't really what the person wanted. This person has closed themselves off to me and I feel like I am standing in the bottom of the Grand Canyon staring up wondering how to scale the dam that's been put between us. I feel as though I have to do something, but I have no idea what and it is just festering inside me. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate the feeling I have. The more this person pulls back the more I withdraw into myself. Maybe this person is pulling back because they have finally seen something they don't like. Maybe this person is asking themselves what they ever saw in me in the first place.
So here I am, full of guilt. Guilty of letting things get this bad. Guilt at not being able to make this person see what they mean to me. Guilt because I know this person is having their own issues and I've made everything about me. Guilt because I don't know how to fix it.
On top of the guilt is an overwhelming sadness. There is too much going on in my life now. Everywhere I turn I am fighting uphill battles and I'm tired. I am weary of fighting other people's battles. I am tired of banging my head against the wall. I am tired of loving people who don't love me back.
2 comments:
Ohhh how I know what it’s like to constantly feel like you’re shoveling shit against the tide! I have a lot of that feeling going on in my life right now....
Hang in there… you’ll get through it - I know you will!! I have faith in you!!
And so will I hehehe
We’re stronger than we think!!
Angel is right. It may be not much to do with you. And aren't you finding new people coming into your life through your blog?? Love is not possession. Let time and events move on. Don't think in terms of what you deserve. "Use every man according to his deserts, and who should 'scape whipping?" Give thanks for what you have - so much! When you give thanks for all that you have, the universe opens to you.
"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediment. Love is not love
That alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
Oh, No! It is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempest and is never shaken,
It is the star to every wandering barque,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come,
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error, and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. "
W. Shakespeare.
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