Here I Go Again

There is a song that has a huge meaning in my life. It is “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake. Now, this isn’t particularly me on a literal level. No, this song’s meaning goes beyond that, almost to an unbelievable point.

It is an song from the 80’s which I love. However, this means that it isn’t played terribly often on the radio. Let me tell you, when I do hear it, it forewarns me. As kooky and crazy as that sounds it is the truth.

You see, this took me a while to realize. It was subtle at first. Once I realized it, I was shocked at how I could miss it in the first place.

Every single time I have ever heard that song, a rather large change has come into my life. I heard it days before each of my kids were born. I heard it the day that Chris and I got married. I heard it shortly before we made the decision to move halfway across the country.

Now, all of this is told with a purpose in mind. Two days ago I received a call from my cousin. The only cousin I have that I have kept in contact with over the years. Oh yes, I do keep tabs on most of them, but, normally it is stuff I hear through the momvine. This cousin however, has been a huge support for me. Through all of the tragedies in my life she was there to hold my hand and love me without judgment. She never put up with any of my bullshit and called the shots like she sees them. Much like me.

Now this woman married her childhood sweetheart. He is someone whose parents were friends with our parents. They have now been married almost 19 years. For some time her life has been in chaos. She has two children whom are 17 and almost 16. I won’t go into the injustices her oldest boy has inflicted on her, but I will give you an idea by telling you that days after she had surgery he flopped down on top of her as she rested on the couch and broke a couple of her ribs.

For years she has begged me to move closer. I have always hesitated because I simply wouldn’t put up with the shit the men in her life put her through. I would end up in jail the first time her son raised his hand to her in front of me. My consolation was that her husband was always a decent man. He works hard and makes good money. However, their marriage has been in trouble for a number of years. He wants more sex; she is too sick many times. Her illnesses also make it hard for her to feel up to doing any kind of housework and so it often falls to the side. One would assume that her husband and children would jump in and help her but let me tell you this is not the case. Their dishes can sit for weeks at a time before she finally goes in and spends two days doing them. Of course, this aggravates her illnesses and leaves her down for days at a time, during which things begin to pile up once more. It is a never ending vicious cycle for her.

So, two days ago, I return home from work to a message telling me that she has suspected for some time that he is going to leave her. At first I was skeptical. Until I spoke to him. Until the evidence was presented to me. She did confront him and confirmed that he was indeed planning on leaving. In less than a weeks time. These plans have been in the works since December, yet, he never said a word to her.

Now your thinking she’d probably be better off without him. I will agree with that. The problem is that he is leaving her in a trailer house that she hates. He is going to take her two boys from her. Which is probably for the best but still hurtful. They have a boat, a camper, the trailer, 19 years worth of stuff, as well as 4 non running vehicles. He had planned on taking his final paycheck and leaving her without anything to even make the July payment with.

I offered him a couple of solutions. Give it two months and I would try to counsel her long distance and see if that helped. He refused saying that long distance would be too hard for me to be of any help. I offered to let him come up and stay with us if he really felt he needed some distance. He said he would have to bring the boys, which I refused to do because I’d just kick the shit out of his oldest boy and yeah, if he ever raised a hand to me, Chris would make sure it would be the last time he ever raised a hand to anyone. Chris dominates me but in no way does he abuse me or condone the abuse of anyone. Therefore that option was out. The last option I gave him was for him to send her up to me. I explained that it would be good for her to see me (we haven’t seen each other in almost 7 years).

When he shot that option down I realized that it was not about getting away. I began to question him further, I questioned her. I have now come to the conclusion that he is having an online affair with a friend of his sister’s. The big move was supposed to be to Montana where they both live. How convenient huh? Oh, well, you might be thinking he would just like to be near his family. He hates his family. He only gets along with his twin brother who lives in Kentucky and for those of you who might be geographically challenged like me, that is no where freaking near Montana.

In light of all of this, I told her directly that she would be welcome to come stay with us and we would help her get on her feet. This offer did not come from me but from Chris. I will explain in a later post why this was such a big deal to me. It meant the world for him to offer this.

Back to the song. On Thursday she called and said she had made the decision to come up here. She was walking away from all of it before he could saddle her with all of the problems. I had to agree that this would be best because it will be easier for him and the two boys to take care of everything rather just one little her.

On the way to work after talking to her the song began to play. I had to smile. Until the song stopped midway through it. I stared at the radio and had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew right then that she had changed her mind. I had already promised Chris that I wouldn’t push her to come her, I would simply support what she had decided. No matter how hard it would be.

Sure enough, Friday came along and she called to tell me that he was going to stay long enough to help her get everything in order. I knew it was bull. He was just keeping her there so that he didn’t have to deal with it. As promised however, I let it go and accepted her decision.

Yesterday, on my way to work again, the song came on. This time it played in it’s entirety. I wondered about it all day at work. The decision came down that I would have today off even though I was supposed to work. When I arrived home I found out that she had called and spoken with Chris. She said took half the money out of their bank and told him she was on her way. I called the number she had left and confirmed that she was indeed on her way.

“Here I Go Again”

I do not know how often I will be able to post here while she is here. My family is not aware of my D/s lifestyle and I would prefer that it stayed that way. She will have a job when she arrives as she has arranged for a transfer with her company to here. We thought she would have a car but she called me only a few hours ago to tell me that her fuel pump went out on her car.

Please say lots of prayers for her to arrive safely. Thank all of you for all the love and support you’ve given me, hopefully I will still be able to post on a semi-regular basis.