Lies

I am still struggling not to lose myself in darkness. I can feel it creeping up on me like nightfall. My heart begins to beat hard in my chest and I look around to see if anyone has noticed the beads of sweat breaking out on my forehead. I struggle to catch my breath and my mind screams for my hands to stop shaking.

I want my children home and they will not leave until the 6th. I miss them terribly. They are my life. Yes, I do have Chris. But at the heart and soul of me, I am a mother. I live and breath for my children and I feel so helpless with all that is happening.

I don't have time to go into all of it, but it comes down to lies. I feel like every adult that I have trusted my children to, my mother, my brothers, my ex, all of them are fucking liars. I hear one story from one and then another one of them tells me that it isn't true. The entire foundation of my world feels like it has been knocked off kilter. I feel like it is spinning in crazy circles and all I can do is hold on for dear life or I'll be flung off and go sailing into space.

Why do people have to lie? How is it that you can say that you love someone and then turn around and lie, not once, not twice, but over and over.

I should have known better. My mother has been lieing to me my whole fucking life. When I was eight years old and the truth came out about my grandfather molesting me, there was a huge investigation. Then my little world went silent. I hated being at home.

I remember going to a friends house and staying for three days. Yes, I was eight years old. I told her parents that my mom and dad had went on vacation and forgotten me. Talk about Home Alone. They asked me for my phone number and I changed one of the numbers so that my parents couldn't be reached. I did not want to go home.

Now, mind you. I knew then that it was wrong. I know now that it was wrong. No where in my mind did I ever try to make it "right". But I was too afraid to go home.

When I did go home. There was no whipping. No grounding. No nothing. I waited for days for the axe to fall and after a while I just accepted that this is the way it was going to be.

My mom even came in one night and told me that we were going to go to Denver to visit family and see the amusment park. I was so excited. With much careful deliberation I picked out my outfits for the trip. I got my walkman and tapes ready to go and we left early the next morning. I slept most of the 8 hour trip and when we arrived, my mother pulled us over to a gas station and used the phone. My dad yelled at my brothers and me to stop fighting, but, my older brother wouldn't give back my tapes and we were going at it full swing when my mother got back into the car and gave my Dad an address and told him that we needed to meet my uncle at work.

The fighting continued.

We pulled up in our old station wagon. I had never seen where my uncle worked and this place looked ominous. The shadows fell over what few windows there were and I climbed out of the car, grateful for a chance to stretch my legs. My mother told me to get my bag so we could put it in my uncles car and make more room for us kids, so I grabbed my bag and followed my mother inside. The sign said BPI. With some big words I didn't understand on it.

The inside was stark white. The walls, the floors, it seemed like everything was white. It made the pea green couch stand out like a neon light and I felt a shiver run down my spine and I glanced toward the door wishing that my Dad would hurry up.

My mom shook hands with a woman in a nurse's uniform and spoke so quietly I couldn't even hear her. I knew she was asking for my uncle. I clutched my bag to me tighter.

They led us down a hallway and as we stepped through the door I couldn't help but notice the way the door locked shut behind us. The nurse stopped, looked at my mother and nodded. My mother turned to me and said "Nikki, I have to go now, you're going to stay here for a while, so they can find out what's wrong with you."

I turned my confused gaze up to her and I recall asking her "What's wrong with me?" and she said "Yes, Nikki, this is a Psychiatric Hosptial, you can't tell lies about people, you can't say the things you did about your grandfather unless they are true, and we both know that it never happened. You are very very sick to imagine that kind of thing"

My mind brought backt he sign "Boulder Psychiatric Insititute"

I could feel my heart contracting and tears welling up in my eyes. I was speechless as she backed through the door and my mind screamed at me to run, to get out while I could, but I was frozen to the spot and after she was sure I wasn't going to scream and cry and rush the door as she stepped through, she turned and walked away from me.

The sound of the door clicking shut and locking behind her was like thunder in my ears.

My parents, my brothers, they did go on to vacation and visit the amusment park. For me, my life began a journey that would lead me to where I am today.

I still hate the sound of automatic locking doors and white hallways.

Lies however, I hate those the most.