No matter how hard we try, nothing seems to go right.
We recently had to borrow money from a dear friend of ours just so that we could cover bills. We had sat down and worked out plan to help us get back on track, having had one bad thing after another happen. We are totally tapped out, but things were looking up.
We had planned out taking our van in at the end of the next week to have the brakes looked out. They were recently replaced by a family member. Remind me to never fucking do that again.
I skated home on a wing and prayer tonight. Meaning, the brakes on one side went out completely. With my heart in my throat the entire way, my hands gripping the steering wheel and driving 15mph in a 45 zone I made it home.
We have no money. No way to get any more without asking another friend of ours for help. I don't want to do this because I know he will help. I am so sick of having to borrow money. I'm sick of not being able to do the mundane crap that everyone else does.
My 30th birthday was on the 6th. The 9th, was our Anniversary, and today is Chris' birthday. He doesn't even get to sleep in because we have to find a way to get me to work, not to mention how we will fix the van.
It's a never ending sucking darkness. It's been lapping at my feet for several weeks now and I'm getting too tired to fight it anymore.
I don't give a fuck. I work my ass off and we still are barely scraping by. I've worked as much overtime as I could and still, it does me no good.
I have not seen my daughter in four days because of our schedules, I see my boys only about 20 minutes a day. Oh, well, except today, when I had the pleasure of dragging my baby out of school to take him down and have his arm stabbed with sharp needles so the school would get off my back about his fucking booster shots.
It's like a suffocating darkness. It sucks you in, overwhelms you, makes you completely helpless.
I know that I'm over reacting. I know my bi-polar is kicking in. I can feel myself hovering on the edge.
I feel like the whole damn world is against me. I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to. I can't complain to Chris because he lives this shit too. I hate dragging bad shit back up when I know that none of us can do a fucking thing to stop it, or make it better.
My hands are shaking even now. I fight back the tears. My skin is tingling. I feel a crushing weight bearing down on my chest. I am afraid. Afraid I am going to fail in my role in this family. I am supposed to provide for my children, for my husband. I am not doing that.
I can't even desribe properly how it feels. As close as I can get to is, is to compare it to tar. It slowly sucks you in. You know it's going to happen. You are stuck, you can't do anything to get out. The smell of sorrow begins to overwhelm you as it begins to close over your head, filling your nose, your mouth, covering you in the fifth of depression.
I hate this fucking illness. I hate myself. I hate what I do to my family and my friends. I hate the failure I've become. I've even managed to let down the few friends I have.
There is no end in sight, why fucking bother. I feel like my children would be better of without me. I know what it was like for me growing up with a mom who was crazy. I do not want that for my children.
If Chris did half the things to me that I've done to him, I would have left him. Yet, he has always put up with me.
I hate myself.
8 comments:
Strong stuff, Nikki. Very strong.
I have been in the same leaky, damned boat you're riding in many times. It sucks beyond all words. It would be easy to lose all strength and determination.
There were times when I felt as though I were no kind of man at all because I wasn't providing adequately for my family even though I worked two jobs. If I made 5 bucks something would happen that made me spend it and still need another 5. It freakin' sucks.
But it does get better if you don't give up. Looking back I honestly don't know what enabled me to keep getting up every time I was knocked down. Just damned hard headed I guess. Then finally it started turning and getting better. Then it got a lot better.
And then I lost everything thru divorce and a shit economy. So once again I'm getting up.
The key is getting up. Fuck the world. It isn't going to win. No way.
Try to take the self loathing and turn it to rage.....a rage that will keep you going. You got too much good going on in your life to let this shit eat your lunch and kick your ass.
Sorry for the overly long comment.
Hang in there, baby girl.
Sis, please dont hate yourself. Life does get hard some times but trust me it just makes us smarter,stronger,and wiser. You have to go through the vallys to finally climb that mountain.
You just have to keep holding your head up high and remember the hard times makes the great times even sweeter.
Biggest hugs my friend.
Think Buffalo nailed this one.
I've been there too. It sucks beyond description. But believe me, you CAN survive it. And, even better, make the future better than the present. Buffalo said it very well, but for me (every time), it was not simply a matter of getting up after getting knocked down. It was a matter of REFUSING to stay down. Like Buffalo, maybe I'm just hard headed. But we each have that ability if we can just muster up the stuff to say "F#($ it, I am not letting this take me out!". Best of luck to you and yours. My thoughts and prayers go out for you.
All the support you receive from this, take to heart. Your friends that have commented have some wonderful words to say, far more than I could. My heart and prayers go to you as you struggle with life. Please know that you are not alone, and that others have been where you are, no matter how miserable you feel it is.
--luna
Take a deep breath! We believe in you.
Money sucks. Don't blame yourself right now. Remember what's important: your family, kids, friends. Money can only buy so much. I know that's easier said than "lived" but we must admit it's true.
Ask another friend for assistance if you need it. (I know that's hard to do) It always seems easier to give advice to others than take it for yourself- so I say this to you AND me- ask for help if you need it.
I'm sending you some calming vibes and positive thoughts!
"I hate myself"
Then I think it is a good thing that Chris and so many others love you, don't you? At least you don't have to right now, they will do it for you till you can again.
You are allowing the power of money to control you, if it wants the control, then sit back and let it have it, let it worry about everything while you watch and enjoy. Then and only then are you in control again and things will improve. Till then, sit back and enojoy the ride.
magdala~
The absolutely desperation within comes through so clearly. I have so been there.
Post a Comment