Winter is the hardest season for me to get through. To start with, the days are shorter and I feel like I always have so much to do. Secondly, I do not handle the cold well and it is really cold here. Makes me want to stay inside and do nothing. I feel lazy and that makes me feel bad about myself. Last but not least is the holiday factor. It brings back so many memories of people that I have lost and that makes it hard for me.
This year I must say though, that I am doing better then most years. Our Thanksgiving had some minor issues, but, all in all we managed to pull it together and serve a beautiful meal. We were joined by Chris’ grandmother, mother, and brother and towards the end, his stepfather.
The food was delicious and everyone was in good spirits. Of course, we didn’t tell them about how our daughter, who was helping me cook, left a stick of butter on the stove, or how it melted and dripped down into the burner, or how it caught on fire. Did I mention that I had a stupid moment and tried to put it out and instead of grabbing the baking soda, I grabbed flour? Some of you might not know this, but flour is highly flammable. But in the end Chris swooped in to save the day and all was well again.
I sat down yesterday to write a post and I just had no heart for it. I was clingy and needy and I wanted to be with Chris, so I went over and curled up against him on the couch. I think I must be coming down with something because I slept a lot. It was a very relaxing day for me.
We played video games together and when the kids got home from school they played with us, all the way up until “House.MD” came on, which is currently my favorite show. I love his sense of humor and I think that the chemistry between all of the characters are just fabulous.
So, why is this year different? I am not for certain, but I do believe that it has to do with me dumping all of this garbage out of my head and onto my blog. It isn’t so much that once it is down it is gone, it is more like, now that it is down, I don’t feel like I’m keeping some dirty secret. I have never felt as if I were safe enough to tell other people. Of course, Chris knows most of this, but even the little details, specific circumstances, those are mine and mine alone and I am tired of carrying it by myself.
There is still so much to tell and I am just sort of at a loss as to which way to go. I want to tell it in order, but things are not coming to my mind in any kind of order. Names come and go as do the times when things happen. It is like my mind isolates the incident and I can not draw any more about it in my head and nothing else comes to me until I get it out. I know that this is going to cause some kind of confusion and I’m sorry, but it is the only way for me to be able to get it all out.
For example, I don’t think a whole lot happened in between my first Thanksgiving and my first Christmas there, but, I have specific memories lurking at the corners of my mind and I know that they belong further down the road. There they stand, like a massive roadblock to what I want to say, demanding that I let them out.
I have some pictures from my time there. Not a lot, but, enough that I could show people where I was and what I mean with visual, yet, I am not sure that I want to have those out there. I just don’t know right now. It is all very much jumbled in my mind.
I know that things are getting better. I can feel it. I also know however, that it is still a long road to recovery. I can do this. I have to tell myself that every single day just to make sure that I don’t let things bog me down and twist me up too much. For the first time in a long time, I feel like it is one step forward, one step forward, one step forward, one step back, rather then the whole one step forward two steps back syndrome that is normally my life.
I don’t normally respond to comments left to me, and I am thinking of changing this, but, even if I don’t, please always remember that I do read them, and they do help me, they encourage me and lift me up and give me strength to go on. Thank you, each and every one of you for that. For giving me the support that I so desperately need.
4 comments:
Ya go right ahead, and write has it comes.. we will sort it out.
I once wondered if the words I wrote were tears that I couldn't shed.
One thing I learned as I was doing major battle with PTSD was that it all had to come out. You could talk it out, write it out or suffer the consequences when it found its own way out. For a fact, it has a voice and it will be heard.
You write well. I sometimes don't like what I read. Not because of the way it is written but because you've had shit happen to you that just shouldn't happen to anyone other than the evil, ate up bastards that cause it.
Comments.....I leave one when I stop by and want you to know that you touched me. Commenting on my comment is unnecessary. It is for you. A gift, so to speak. A gift for the gift you gave me - allowing me to share your life.
wish I could write it all out like you do--it would do me good even if nobody read it
it certainly is a priviledge to read your experiences on your blog, and I hope the small amount of words i add helps to provide support, a shoulder, something......you so deserve it....
sincerely,
tim m
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