Up and Running

Well, here is the finished product, links and all included. I am excited to have it up and once more I want to thank Mija for a fabulous job done!

I was looking at my new look today, enjoying the change and it dawned on me that in the last year I have made a tremendous amount of change.

So much so that sometimes it scares me. What if I change so much that my family, my friends, and my coworkers no longer recognize me? What if I change so much that >I< don't recognize me? Is there such thing as too much change?

I have never thought of myself as a bad person, with the exception of my seriously depressed days. So it stands to reason that I wouldn't really need to change who I am. Yet, I found myself not liking who I was. I found myself wishing I was a better wife, friend, lover, sister, daughter, but most importantly, mother.

Am I becoming that? Do my kids see a change in me? I don't know, but I hope so. My kids are my life. Granted, I have a great husband, and awesome friends and that helps me in so many ways, but I can not imagine my life without my children.

In reading the news today, I saw three stories of mother's who have killed their children and I sat here in stunned silence. I read Lili's post today and yesterday, and I wanted to cry for the little boy she wrote about. (If you haven't been to Lili's blog, it's on my side bar under "Lee" and I highly recommend it.)

What the hell goes through the minds of these monsters? Do they feel anything but evil? How can anyone harm a child?

They blame it on depression, or a mental disorder. Well I have both and let me tell you my friends, I can say honestly that never once have I thought my kids would be better off dead. Sure I've thought they might be better off without me, but never would the world be a better place without my kids.

I have a lot of random thoughts zipping through my head. We filed our taxes today and that means as soon as we get them back, all three of the children get new clothes. I will have to sort through and get rid of the ones that don't fit them anymore. I hate donating to good will and salvation army because they do turn around and sell them for profit. I think I will make some phone calls and see if there is a domestic violence shelter nearby that I can give them to. A lot of those women leave home with no money and just the clothes on their backs.

I went to a domestic violence shelter once. Not because my ex-husband beat me up, but because I was afraid he would take my daughter away from me if I tried to file for divorce. Much to my shock, the house looked like any other on the block and was only four blocks from where I grew up. I remember as a kid I used to be envious of the kids that lived there because it had a huge fenced in backyard and one of those great big jungle gym type things. It wasn't until I was inside that I realized that they had so much more sadness there then I did.

My daughter and I shared a room with two other women. We slept in the same bed, her little body curled up against mine. I can remember the smell of her as I lay in the dark listening to her breath. Wondering where it had all went wrong. I was young when I married her father, and by then we had only been married a couple of years, yet there I was, hiding from the man who fathered my child. The women that were there with me were also hiding. Hiding from the monsters that they lived with. Their black and blue and broken faces told the story that many of them didn't have courage to speak out loud. Their children, fearful of going outside, fearful of the ringing of the phone, still breaks my heart to think about.

When does it all stop? When does the hurting each other stop? When will our children feel safe again? Why are more people not concerned with it? Why does it all have to hurt so much?