So, along with my new position at work, there comes some perks. One of them is that I have an instant messenger that we use to communicate to others in the building, however, I added Chris to my list of contacts and we chat off and on through the day. Nothing long, just short hello's, how are you, and updates on the kids.
There I am at work and I get an im from Chris. He wants to know how I felt about our daughter walking home from school with one of her friends. I wasn't there, and when I came back I returned the message asking him why said friend wasn't going to ride the bus as they've done all year. He says she can't ride the bus. Now this caused a lot of confusion because it is a public bus system. I ask him why she can't ride the bus anymore and he tells me he'll explain when I get home.
Several hours go by and I'm wondering about it as I drive home. If she got into trouble and was evicted from riding the public bus do I really want my daughter hanging out with this girl. She's always been a good friend to my daughter but getting kicked off a public bus is pretty serious thing.
So, Chris and I say hello and I settle down at the computer and he tells me that this little girl who has been such a friend to my daughter can't ride the bus because, her mouth and her.. obesity counselor... have decided she's too fat to ride to and from school.
I think my jaw hit the floor. The child is not fat. She's as tall as I am and a little thick, but by no means fat. I sat and thought of how my daughter would feel if I told her she was too fat to ride to school. My heart constricted and I felt so bad for this little girl.
What is wrong with people? Is being skinny so important that you would destroy the already fragile self esteem of a teenage girl? It made me take a long look at how we treat our daughter (who just turned 13 last month). I came to some conclusions about the whole thing. Maybe it is judgmental of me, but I've seen fat people, I'm no Barbie doll myself, and maybe some would say that I can't understand because my daughter is rail thin. However, I think if my daughter gained weight that I would have to look at myself as a parent before I looked to my child.
Isn't it my responsibility to teach my children good eating habits? Teach them to avoid junk food and use raw fruits and vegetables as snacks instead of potato chips and ice cream? Don't get me wrong, my kids get some treats, but that's what they are, treats.
My daughter is learning to cook, isn't my job to teach her healthier ways to cook? I think that the only fried food that we eat is hamburger meat. The children use it in hamburger helper, but we rinse the meat of all the grease before we add it. We make sure that they have vegetables and fruit.
If my children lack anything in their diets from the food groups it would have to be from the dairy section and even that's something that is borderline. They have milk with their breakfast, they eat cheese on their lunch sandwiches and we always have stuff like cottage cheese or cheese sticks hanging around.
>sigh<
As much as I went over and analyzed everything we do with her, I could find very little that we would change. We tell her she's beautiful. We tell her that she's smart. We laugh with her. We comfort her when she cries. We have increased her responsibility around the house, offset by the extra privileges she has. We encourage her to think outside the box and be creative in all that she does. If she shows an interest in something, we do our best to foster that interest. But does she >feel< good about herself? Does she >feel< smart, funny, beautiful, friendly? Negatives always seem to linger longer then positives and I keep asking myself if we give more positive then negative.
I can't imagine turning to her and saying "you're too fat to ride the bus"
I want to scream at that mother, I want to shake her, I want her to see that she's probably done more damage than good. I want her to see that her daughter is beautiful and bright and compassionate and loyal. I wish I could make her see that she's probably going to do more damage then good approaching it this way. I wish it wasn't so important for people to have the perfect child.
So if you have a daughter, no matter what age she is, take a moment to go and talk to her, tell her you love her, tell her she's beautiful or smart or funny. Make her feel good about herself.
My children are not perfect. My husband is not perfect. My friends are not perfect. My life is not perfect. They are however, perfect for me.
7 comments:
well said, and I completely agree!
my own heart drooped upon entering my son's new school a couple of years ago & finding their main notice board plastered with self-help groups, organisations' notices & exhortations about eating disorders; imagine, this was in a school of kids below the age of 13. scary, and so sad, to think that children of that age actually need that type of information in their lives.
oh, found my way over here from your link listed on D'Anerah's blog :).
take care.
I think that it is very frightening that we as a society are taking the ideal body shape for women from the world of media and fashion. If you don’t have a concave stomach, show ribs, look like a clothes hanger or a stick insect you are deemed as fat.
These models are emaciated and often reach the 'perfect look' through a regiment of persistent eating disorder, drug abuse and chain smoking to suppress their appetites.
Why can’t people see how they are damaging their children?
A friend rang me in tears last week. Her eight year old daughter had just come home from school and refused to eat dinner. After a few hours, the child finally broke down and admitted that she didn’t want to eat because she thought she was too fat.
I fear that our children will bear the legacy of a society that chases unattainable and often harmful 'perfection'.
I wish I'd had you as a parent when I was growing up...
I'm still struggling with eating issues after 20 years as an adult, after being put on one diet or another, taken to weight management counselors, etc. throughout my childhood...because my FATHER had weight issues he didn't want to deal with.
I applaud you for not just understanding, but also taking the time to analyze what you are teaching your kids. They are lucky to have you.
Congratulations!
You know with Master being sick we had to change all our eating habits. Then our little turned out to be collecting to much mucus, and was put on soy milk. So she drink and eats all her dairy products in soy and thinks nothing of it. While shopping one day I came across some veggie sticks. They are dried vegetable sticks that are low in fat and high in nutrients. My youngest has problems eatting veggies, I thought she is going to hate these. But for $1.49 who could pass them up. So I brought them home, offered them and BAM she loves them. She eats them just as much as chips, and has now whined for them over cookies. I was so amazed! Though with all my growing up issues (not on diet but more mental) I would never say anything such as that to my child.
I am glad you are out there cheering this little girl on and she can spend time at your house. My oldest has friends over who don't get as much love or "fun times" at home as they do at my house. I feel that I am giving the children a little bit of knowing that later in life could help them overcome the struggles in their houses.
Hugs
Hana
Laughs and Laughs......i see a pattern here,.....too much time on Your hands. Geez You and Danerah need to run a suicide hotline. She's bipolar and Your pathetic.
I have to say I completely agree with you.
That mother is WAY out of line. Being a chubby girl, I can remember what it felt like to be that age.
My heart breaks as I think about it. I hope you chose to let your daughter walk home with her, so she doesn't have to face it alone.
As I was growing up, all the women in my family pushed for me to maintain my weight because obesity ran in my family. This gave me a complex that I didn't realize I had until this summer when I went through some old pictures in my mom's albums and saw one of me from the summer before I had my first child.
I remember giving her the picture asking that she hide it because I was just too fat in it. Looking at it again, I WISH I looked like that now! I was damn sexy and I never knew it.
Ironically, my mother saw some old pictures of herself and felt the same way!
Thank God I have a husband that tells me daily how sexy I am!
So, Mommies, while you're teaching all those good habits, be careful of how you explain your reasons for wanting your child to have healthy habits.
Great post!
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