Bi-Polar

I have spent days, literally, trying to come to some kind of understanding about my bi-polar. Everything seems to keep just running through my mind over and over and over.

Today on Oprah, they did a segment on stars that suffer from bi-polar disorder and as I sat there listning to their stories, I felt my heart starting to pound.

One talked about how she slept for nearly days at a time. One talked about how she had beat a puppy at the age of five. One talked about how he had felt this way since he was child. Since they were children, all of them, symptoms getting worse and worse.

Another common factor was that they all stopped taking their medications when they thought it was under control. All of them hit either suicidal or homocidale bottoms.

Then they knew it was time to get help, and they did, and they are all on medication, managing things, living happy productive lives.

This gave me alot to think about. I've tried suicide. I've become violent. I've been on the medication. I've been off.

Somewhere in my mind I know I need the medication. It's why the doctor's prescribed it for me. But I don't want to take it. That's the bottom line. I've come up with all kinds of exscuses. Money and lack of insurance being the biggest. In the end though, it's very simple. I want to do it on my own. I want to okay. I don't want to be crazy.

I will tell you all the ugly truth. I have been violent. I am prone to uncontrollable rages. I throw things. I destroy things. If Chris comes too close to me, I fight him physically. I have even went so far as to slap him. Mind you, it's been a long time, but does that really change the facts?

Most often what happens is that I fly into a rage and I scream and pace and when I feel that overwhelming feeling of despair, of no place to go, I start hurting myself. Tearing my hair out, using my nails to claw at my arms, my legs, my face, anything I can get my hands on.

Is bi-polar something you are born with or is it enviromental? As a child, I was diognosed with epilepsy. Epilepsy is, at it's most basic, a chemical imbalance in the brain. Bi-polar, at it's most basic, is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Are these two things connected?

I don't remember having these emotions as a child. Not like this. I never beat a puppy, or any kind of animal. Granted, I did things that most young children don't do. I stole my mom's car when I was 10. I got caught shoplifiting. I had no patience for kids who picked on me. I broke a girl's arm when I was in third grade because she wouldn't stop poking me in the chest.

Was it because I was molested at the age of eight by my mother's father? Was it because my brother sodomized me in front of his friends within the same year? Was it because when I went to my parents, they denied the possibility. Was it because I was forced into foster homes, phsyciatric care centers?

The phsyciatric care center is the first time I remember having uncontrolled rage. I was so angry and hurt. I lashed out at the staff there. I spit on them, I bit them when they tried to hold me down. That was only one time though.

That was before Western Acadamy.

Some day I will tell you about my time there. Now is not that time.

I have endured more then most people ever imagine. I am not saying there are not people who are worse off then me. That is actually a huge part of how I make it through things. I know others who have suffered more then me, and that puts my own pain in a different light. It is hard to be self-pitying when I know this is true.

I have spent many years fighting the medication. I hate it. I hate that it takes away my really happy days. The days where I can do anything and I get so much done. I feel like laughing again and I see the days as sunny and beautiful.

What I guess I really have to ask myself is, do I feel better during those brief manic moments, or do I feel better when I have long, stable moments. It should be an easy answer, but it's really not.

Manic is something I can only describe as a natural high. It's great. I can do anything. I have so much energy, I have a great sex drive, all the things I am lacking normally.

The medication takes that all away. Well, not all. I can get up, smile, even find humor in things. I can acomplish things, just, on a much much smaller scale.

Sex, sex becomes a fight. I have no desire, no drive. I don't feel like cuddling, I don't feel like sucking his dick, I don't feel like making slow tender love, or having kinky rough sex. I just, don't want anything to do with it.

Is it worth it? Is it worth the stress and strain on my marriage? Is it going to make the stress and strain worse? I mean, come on now, things haven't been great in the House of Nikki and Chris. Oh Chris has been wonderful. I have been a bitch.

I am moody. I cry alot. I get angry alot. I yell at him for things that my friends do that upset me, even though there is no reason for me to get upset because they don't do things that should upset, only things I >think< are a reason to get upset.

I know this post isn't making alot of sense. Maybe I am writing it because I need to be able to look back and see what exactly I was thinking when I thought I was having a clear moment.

I'm still trying to decide the medication issue. I don't want to be weak. I want to be the strong independant woman that everyone thinks I am. I want to be a good mom, and a good wife. I want to be able to control myself without drugs. I want to be normal. I have spent a large part of my life addicted to drugs, not only illegal drugs, but, prescription drugs. I don't want to repeat that cycle.

I don't want to keep repeating the cycle we are in now either though. It is like walking on eggshells around here.

As always, Chris is his usual calm self. He doesn't yell. He doesn't get mad. Maybe I hate that about him. His ablility to always stay in control. I want that. I want to be able to stay calm no matter what. I hate how he reasons with me. I don't want to be reasonable sometimes. Sometimes I wish he would just, react.

I don't know where I am going to go from here. I don't know where there is to go from here. Maybe all these thoughts are just here to keep me from doing the right thing. Taking the medication.

But is drugs really the answer?