Children

It is my opinion that nothing in this world is more important then our children. They are everything. They represent our future. The children we are raising now will become our leaders tomarrow. We must protect that with every means possible.

I do hold myself responsible for the raising of my children. My children have been taught to be independant, loving, compassionate, and self sufficiant. I do not think they are by no means ready to go into the world, but I am confidant that they are well on their way.

All of my children, including my boys, will have the life skills they need to live on their own. Since they were able to walk, they have helped me in the kitchen, learning how to cook. Perhaps this doesn't seem to be a big thing, but I can assure you that future spouses will appreciate this skill. My daughter can sew her own clothes, my boys will also be taught when they are old enough. They all have chores they are responsible for taking care and we rotate those so that they can each learn how to take care of each room of the house.

By the time that my children were three, they could bathe themselves. I remember a time when we lived with my inlaws, my son was about 5 and I sent him in for a shower, in the meantime I went downstairs to get my youngest boy settled in for bed. All the way downstairs I could hear angry shrieking and I rushed back up to see what was going on. Grandma, in her effort to be helpfull, went in to wash him. Of course, my son flipped out, he did not want anyone touching his body (we have talked about their bodies being their own since before they could talk). Grandma said she was trying to make sure he was cleaned and out in a hurry, and I do believe this, however, I explained to her that my children were taught that no one gets to touch them in the places a bathing suit covers, ever. Not even the doctor unless Mommy or a Nurse is there with them. She was astounded, she said "But he's a child" and I said "Yes, but he is my child, and his body belongs to him" She asked me how I make sure he is clean and I said " I send him in to shower Grandma, he's old enough to clean his own body"

But, I want to protect them. I want to keep them from the predators that we've been talking about. I do not mind being responsible for my children, getting to know the parents of their friends. However, I know that evil hides itself in many forms. My own grandfather, Angel's grandfather, both abused us respectivaly. These were men who where entrusted with us by our parents. Some people think I am fooling myself, but, I do not believe that my grandfather molested anyone before my grandmother died. That means, that my mother had no reason to fear her own father. I do not fear mine. How can I make good judgments if you don't know who to trust? I could limit my children to my next door neighbor that we've known for four years, but, does that mean I know if he is a child molestor or not? Does that mean I should keep my children from going anywhere?

I don't ask these questions just to be difficult. I ask because while my children were gone, I did alot of thinking about them and I realized that my daughter has only spent one night with a friend in her 12 years. Not that she hasn't been invited, simply I do not know the parents. I want to get to know these parents, but, I learned that when you say "I'm sorry but she can't stay the night until I know you better" is a sure fire way to lose your child's friends.

How do I know when I've went from "protective" to "smothering"? Am I impending their childhood with my own fears and insecurities?

I have had people ask me why I would want a Sex Offender Registry. I would look at the address and try to determine if any of them lived near me, I would read the names to see if I know any of them, then, I would be more cautious. I would not allow my child to play in their home, even if they had kids. Not that I wouldn't allow their children to play with mine just not in their homes. Would I tell my kids what it all means? Hell no.

It's frustrating, it's irritating, I want a solution, I want answers. I want the fucking system to do it's job so that I can do mine better. They need to seriously look at the system and realize what makes it so easy to victimize today's children. There are no clear cut laws. There are no clear cut consequences. Our prison system used to make it scary to go to prison. I have asked people and 7 out of 10 of them say that they have no fear of prison. People who are abused are afraid to come forward because our system fails.

Chris and I had a lengthy conversation about this and this is how it went, best of my recollection.

me: So, I posted today about the Sex Offender's Registry
him: Yeah, how'd it go over, that's a pretty touchy subject
me: Yeah but it gave me alot to think about, I mean, there were some pretty good points
him: So are you for it or against it?
me: I am for it, but it would have to be restructured to be fair. This thing with Jetseta Gage just makes me sick, I mean, how can a parent NOT know what is happening in her own home?
him: Well, maybe like you, she worked second shift and saw her kids very little, maybe when she was with them she never really saw them when she was with them. Not all parents want to be, or are as aware of their children as we are.
me: What exscuse is there for allowing the brother of the man that molested your child to be a part of your life though?
him: I don't have an answer to that, but think of this, what would you do if our daughter came to you and told you I had molested her?
me: I would ask you to move out, or I would take the kids and leave
him: For how long?
me: Until I had it sorted out
him: Explain that for me, what do you mean by sorted out?
me: I would need to determine if she was being honest (my daughter does have issues with honesty) I would need to be able to work it out if it wasn't
him: So, what your trying to say is that you would want to work it out?
me: Yes
him: You see Nikki, this is the thing, even when these parents know, they want to work it out, like , in my family, we do not air our dirty laundry in public, if an argument breaks out in the yard, we go inside. Alot of people are raised like that, and, who wants to believe the man they love is hurting their child? So, maybe they did know, maybe they even talked to him about it and he promised to never do it again. Maybe the mom just couldn't deal with it so she turned her back on it, like your mom, to this day, she refuses to talk about your sister, it's like, if you don't talk about it, it doesn't happen.
me: But if I felt she was being honest, I would not try to "work it out", I would have you arrested
him: I love you and I know you love the children, but, honestly Nikki, I don't know if you could do that
me: I could Chris, I would have to
him: You really think you could have me arrested?
me: For that, yes
him: Tell me why, tell me why you sound so strong and sure when you say it like that
me: Because all I ever wanted was justice. I wanted my grandfather to be arrested.
him: I think you just wanted someone to believe you
me: Yes, and even if he didn't do jail time, arresting him would have proven to me that someone believed me, someone cared.

It is the sad reality that more often then not, even reported abuse goes unpunished. This opens up so much hurt and fear that I can not begin to describe it.

All I wanted was for someone to believe me, show me I was important, to erase the words of my mother from my mind. "You are sick to imagine something like that, you need help"