My Dream

I dreamt of you again. This is not the first time, and somehow I doubt it will be the last. It does, always take me by suprise however. Not that I dream of you, that I expect, how can one not dream of a man loved so deeply. No, it is the intensity of the dreams that catches me off guard.

It feels so real. The pleasure, and the pain. Always you leave me in my dreams after we make love. Our lovemaking is tender, your gaze full of love. The overwhelming feeling of protectivness I feel as you suckle my breasts sends shivers through me, even now in my waking hours. The longing I feel as your hands explore my body slowly, lazily, the amusment I see in your eyes at my response, nearly enough to drive me mad. The frantic way I touch you, trying desperately to please you.

The most intense feeling though doesn't stem from that. It only seeps in when I feel you thrust deep inside me, grunting softly, animalistically, as if on instinct, and feeling you throb against the muscles of my body as you fill me with your seed. Even writing about it now, it is so clear in my mind that I can almost feel it.

Then I wake and my body is empty of you and I want to weep. I want to be in your arms. I feel despair sweep over me that something so beautiful is gone. I lay there thinking of you in dark.

My husband says that he feels I am constantly testing those around me. That, sometimes I will give him a choice and he feels that it is just to see if he will pick the right one. The problem being, there is never a clear cut right one, so he has to guess. He says it is emotionally taxing. He says it is as if I feel the need to know that he loves me at all times. He is not the only one I test he says.

Even he knows that I do not do this on purpose. Most of the time, I don't even see how he comes to the conclusion that I am doing it. I don't mean to. I don't want to test the people I love. I don't want them to feel as if they are doomed no matter what they do.

Do I need to know that I am loved almost constantly? Yes. By everyone around me. It is not something I can control. I actually hate that about myself more than anything. I am so needy. Please love me. Please tell me I am desirable. Please tell me that you too ache with your need for me. Please tell me I am worthy of your love. I know that things will not always go my way. I know that sometimes, the things we want are not to be ours. It does not stop me from wanting them though or needing to know it's okay to want them.

So please, if I test you, be strong, know that I do not do this on purpose. I do not even think about doing it. It is because I need you to validate my feelings. I need to know that I am not the only one. Even if I can't hold you, or make love to you right then, knowing that you need it too, is enough for me.

Saying it once would be enough for most people. I realize, that I need to hear it more. If you feel it, say it. I don't expect lavish gifts, or your time, for I know that there are many things in our lives that keep us from that, but do not hide your feelings from me. This I beg of you.

I am always afraid of needing too much. I think. . .no. . . I know that it stems from a comment that my mother made to me once while we were fighting. She screamed at me "No one will ever love you enough, no matter how much they love you, it will never be enough for you, you need more then anyone can ever give you, you will suck everything good out of them until they have to leave just to keep their sanity"

In the back of my mind, I hear those words almost on a daily basis. Over and over in that high pitch scream. Some of you may wonder how a mother could say something so horrible rather then reassure her child of her love, but, my mother was not your ordinary mother. No no, she was a piece of work, a story for another time.

It's the words though. Do I drain those I love by being too needy of them? I know that I do not ask for a lot. At least not verbally. I am content with lazy days spent with you nearby. Flirting harmlessly. Watching you squirm. Is it a test? Perhaps. Do I mean it to be? No. But I can't help but want to know how much I am loved. I wish I didn't. Seriously. I wish I could just be. . .satisfied with what has already been said to me. I do know that you love me. But I live for your approval, your smile. I need to know that I please you.

I have made myself a promise. I will try to be careful not to test you. It isn't what I want. I will try to simply accept your love, in the way that you offer it to me. I am afraid though. I feel right now that I will fail this. I have tried before to remain silent until you are ready. It is very hard. What if you are not ever ready to say it again? What if you don't need to say it? What if you stop feeling it? What if the feeling passes for you?

My husband is a very loving, kind man who seems to always know what I need. I would never, ever walk away from him. I just can't see it happening. We have been through so much together and have always come out stronger for it. Side by side I know that we can do anything. But, I can't help but think that someday I will push him so far away from me that he will simply give up. It is how it always goes in my life.

My own parents gave me away because they could not love me enough. I have already one failed marriage. Don't even start me on the other men in my life. It is a constant battle for me not to lose those that I love. So, I will hold on tightly for as long as I can. Please don't hate me for that. It is because I love you so much that it leaves an ache inside me to even think about. Be gentle and tell me when I need to back off, but do not leave me, never leave me. I love you. Remember that.

I apologize if most of this post doesn't make sense. It is very early in the morning, and I really should be in bed. The dream woke me, and he has been heavy on my mind ever since. Too many random thoughts swirling around in there.

If you get time, check out the links I posted. These are blogs that truly speak to my heart. They are written by people I have never met, yet, I feel as if I know them. Some better than others. I have been blessed to be able to glimpse into their lives and have them share those with me. Amber and Sarah were the first blogs I ever read and through their honesty and insight, I was able to gain the courage to start this blog, as well as my adventure into this lifestyle. I know I have said it before, but I will once more thank them for that. Sea Rabbit has been a loyal friend and faithful reader. When I feel like giving up on this, knowing that she comes here to read the things I write, gives me the strength to come back. The other three blogs are written by men. To me, it is amazing to see men able to be honest and open about their feelings. It's like a little peek into the male mind. Which I need. Trust me. So thank you all for allowing me to share your lives with you, and please, keep writing, I look forward to it every day.