My nightmare

I want to go back and answer the questions that Amber asked me in the comment section of my last post.

First of all, this was catagorically, one of the most horrific events in my life. Not even my own rape compared to the pain and sorrow I felt at losing my only sister.

She was murdered in June. Three months shy of my thirteenth birthday.

I wasn't living with my parents. I have not lived with them since I was eight years old. Again, another story for another time.

The place I was living at the time, was what they call a Residental Child Care Facility. Which is a big fancy word for kids who were fucked up, but hadn't broken the law.

My parents didn't want me. They say it was because they couldn't "handle" me, but as a mother myself, I found this a pitiful exscuse. This alone has left me with huge issues.

Anyway, I had lived in this facility, called Western Acadamy, for about two years. The people there were like my family. I was the youngest "student" they ever had, I was also the one who remained there the longest.

I knew the rules.

I ran away. The night she was murdered. There was a total of four of us. We got away. Headed for freedom.

Then the feeling began. I started to throw up. I started to cry. No, it wasn't about being afraid. I had been on the run so many times. There was something wrong.

I told them that. That I had to go back. Something bad had happened. At first, they didn't believe me. I think they thought I was joking. The pain became so physically bad that I was unable to stand. I lowered myself to a curb and wrapped my arms around my knees and simply sobbed.

They took me back.

That was Saturday, June 5th.

Everything was in order at W.A.

I was punished for running away. I didn't understand. Something had happened. I felt it. Yet, everyone was fine. Everything in my small world was in order.

Sunday came and went. Nothing

Monday came and went. Nothing

I began to feel stupid, but, relaxed in away.

Then Tuesday came. They day that seriously, changed my life.

There was alot of commotion. There was going to be a field trip. Of course. I wasn't going allowed to go because I was still on watch. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, not even outside.

I heard someone say that they were late leaving for the trip, they said it was because Carol (my therapist) had an urgent phone call and they would be leaving soon.

It all rolled off my back. The trip didn't matter to me. I wasn't going.

Suddenly, Carol appeared next to me. Asked me to come to the office with her. I still, made no connection, and I followed along, ready for the scolding I was going to get for running away.

When I walked into the room. I felt a chill run throughout my body. Paul was there, standing in the corner with his arms across his chest. John was there too. Sitting in a chair near the door. Now I was afraid. It wasn't that bad. I had run away alot of times.

Maybe this was the last straw, maybe they were tired of it. Maybe they were shipping me away. I started to feel my heart pounding a little harder.

John spoke up. He told me I had a phone call. I remember how I looked at them stupidly. I wasn't allowed phone calls. He told me to go ahead and take it. I will not ever forget the conversation. It was with my oldest brother.

Him: "Hey sis, how ya doing sweetheart?"

The sound of his voice, still makes me visibly shudder.

Me: "Okay I guess"
Him" How would you like to come home for a while?"
Me: " I can't, I got in trouble"
Him:" I know, but, I already talked to them, and I can come and get you"

I was confused. He had never come to pick me up before. Always my mother. I was over an hour away from him.

Me:" Why?"
Him: " Sister, I want you to sit down. I need to tell you something"

My heart leaped up into my throat and it constricted tightly. I gripped the phone with a death grip.

Me: "What is it? What's happened?"

At this point he begins to cry, and, simply because I can only remember him crying one other time, when my grandmother died, I too begin to cry. I know it's bad now. It's horrible and I feel that feeling come back in the pit of my stomach.

Carol reached out to put her hand on my arm. His words, came out as if he was being strangled, there was no doubt, he was very clear.

Him: "Melody's dead"

A simple, two worded statment, and I felt my entire world crumble around me. I know I dropped the phone. I fell forward and I screamed. I screamed and screamed so hard and so loud, that I heard nothing for the longest time. When I realized she was still touching me, I slapped at her hand, screaming for her not to touch me. I screamed at John, for some reason, his being there was the reason for this. I screamed so much and so loud, that my best friend began to scream and beat on the other side of the door to be let in.

After what seems like forever, she is there, she's confused, I hear her asking me what's wrong, but I can't bring myself to speak the words. I keep thinking maybe they are wrong, maybe it's some other beautiful woman with three children by the name of Melody. This can't be >my<>my< sister. It can't.

Then I realize the screaming has stopped, my mind, oh Lord, I have never felt so numb with pain, I simply stared at them once more, Tracy holding onto me, and me holding onto her for dear life.

They say my brother wants to talk to me. I pick up the phone again and he is openly sobbing. I want to throw up. He says I am not to run away, that he will be there to get me the next day. I beg for him to come and get me now. He says they won't let me. They are putting me on suicide watch.

They wouldn't let Tracy stay with me. They sent her home. They said they didn't want me to become dependant on her. Tina stayed with me. I remember curling up in her arms, not able to stop the flow of tears streaming down my face. I think I stayed like for about two hours before the questions set in.

How did she die? How did this happen? Was there a car accident? Where were the kids? What happened to the kids? Are they okay? Are they did? Why didn't my mother call me?

So many questions. I went back downstairs. I begged John to let me call my brother back and he let me. I don't remember much of that conversation, only that the children were fine, and he would tell me the rest later.

I no longer remember the course of events, but, I recall how it happened. It is a story I will cover in the next post since I want to put this one up and I have to go to work.