The darkness returns. It doesn't matter how hard I try to fight it, how hard I try to tell myself that everything will be okay, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am safe and loved and surrounded by people who will nto leave me.
Lies, it's all lies. It's only meant to lull me into a false sense of security. It lasted a lot longer this time then it normally does. I was blind sided, I thought I was winning, I thought that I was at least ahead.
More lies, more tears, more glass breaking. Wait, that's the sound of my heart. So much pain I can't understand where it stops being emotional and where it becomes physical.
My lesson has been learned. Keep to myself, stop loving, stop trusting, everyone leaves sooner or later. I am not worth being loved. I am broked. None of the things I do to try to better myself will make me a better person. In the end, it is my insides that are no good. I might have quit smoking, but I am too polluted for it to make a difference. Going back to school? Waste of time, I will never amount to anything. I am simply putting us farther into debt by taking out student loans.
I see a dark hole, I think that's where I am going to be for a while. Yes, I will lie here and press my face to the cold ground, breathe deeply of her earthly scent, clench her in my hands, I will not need to strain my ears to hear your happiness, your laughter. The tears will fall, turning dirt into my mud, thick and suffocating. I thought I was past this, I thought I had won. The earth, she is my friend.Yes, I think this is where I am going to be for a while.
5 comments:
Nikki, I don't know if this will be helpful to you or not but I felt an immense sense of relief when I finally accepted that I'll never be "fixed" when it comes to this kind of panic and fear over my own times of twisted thoughts and perceptions.
There is no end of the game, no crossing the goal line and throwing down the ball in triumph at making the Big Win. No tender graduation moment where you hold up the diploma and know that you never have to go back to class.
There is no finish line.
These feelings will periodically come back again and again and they are never going to disappear forever. It doesn't mean you "failed". It doesn't mean you didn't try hard enough. No.
It doesn't work that way. No matter how much work you do on yourself or how often you promise yourself you won't put yourself through this again, it always comes back again.
Once I accepted this, it made it far keasier for me when the dark times DO come. Yes, they will always come but more importantly, they will also always Go.
Best of all, it's not my "fault". I didn't do anything wrong and neither have you.
This struggle you are going through right now will go away. It will. This is a fact. And once again you will be in the light and free from the part of your mind that dredges all this junk up sometimes.
Hang on until then. If you pray, then pray. Praying is the most important thing you can do. Pray and believe that this will pass soon.
{{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}
Nikki,
When I read your blog about Walmart...I just laughed and laughed. Now this day's blod feels me with tears. I know the feelings of fear, of trying to prove you are worth something.
Before I met Master I had engulfed so much in my fears I had no idea who I was. But as the moments with him extended. I realized who I was and started opening up about all my fears. I screamed, yelled, and even cried hysterically. Each time they have returned, and he has been there to help to me through them. I truly know that you will find someway similar to overcome these dark moments.
They are only small steps dear heart. Remember that each step brings you deeper into the dark, and each step causes pain. But all the happiness can cause the "darker" moments to fade away. You have passed all the previous "stairs" you will overcome this one too.
Hugs
Hana
~Robert's little flower~
Oh Honey, hang in there, this too shall pass.
I think you're worth loving due to the words and thoughts you share.
Although I'd never thought of it that way, I have to agree with amber.
{{{hugs}}}
dee
Amber speaks the truth, Nikki.
you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving. you are worth loving.
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